You know that saying ‘behind every good man is a good woman’? (Again, don’t tell my husband I wrote that.) Well there needs to be a saying that says, ‘behind every jacked up behavior there is an emotion’.

Our emotions, when left unchecked, have the potential to be the most destructive things in our lives. One minute we can be sane, rational people making major decisions in a board room and a half hour later we can be a crying pile of poo in a doctor’s office because we had to step on the scale. Really? What happened to that put together woman earlier today that just closed a multi-million dollar deal? Which one of you is the real you? And are you willing to show that side of you to the general public because if not, then there is incongruence somewhere and it is time to eradicate it.

I always hesitate sharing anything about myself on my blog—not because I don’t want people to know because I always share one on one—but because when you read it, it sounds like I am either looking for sympathy or I’m whining. I can assure you I am doing neither. When I was going through all of this I was not “endlessly suffering” and I didn’t cry myself to sleep or anything like that; not because I was ‘tough’ or ‘strong’ or any of that other nonsense you hear sometimes but because I was numb. I didn’t feel. I was as cold as ice and could be quite heartless when necessary. If you made me feel even the remotest sense of fear or weakness, I would mow over you like a John Deere tractor with a fresh tank of gas. There was no emotion, no compromise, no mercy, no nothing. Do not even THINK about getting heartfelt on me because I would take you down in a second and I always had the upper hand. Sarcasm? Check. Quick one liners? Check. Ironside personality with a poker face to match? Check. Knew my stuff? Check. Warmth, compassion or humility? Mmmm…not so much.

On the client end, you would never really know so do not be surprised if you have never seen that side of me…but if you were in my inner circle? Lord have mercy on you because you never really knew what Jodi you were going to get. I empathized with clients because they were going through what I was going through so the warm, compassionate Jodi came out when I was doing my job. However, any other time I loathed my existence and if you interrupted that self loathing, you were in for a treat.

We go through many emotions when something of this degree happens and we struggle to make heads or tails of it as it is happening. As I sat and thought about all that I felt or went through, there were four emotions that just kept coming up over and over: pain, anger, self hatred and shame. Each of these emotions in some way drove DIYD, AoN and DD in such a way that I didn’t realize I was in a cycle of defeat until I was so far in that I needed an intervention to get out. I want to truly emphasize this: none of this comes at you straight ahead and you can just “see it” and tackle it. Instead, it creeps in or comes in through the back door and you are completely unaware until someone else points it out. As far as I was concerned, there was no way I had a victim mentality; Demolition Derby proves it. I am still a success; I don’t care what All or None says. That year I spent sucking my thumb was justified; damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Honestly, I look back at times and think, “Who in Heaven’s name were you back then?” I didn’t even know I had any of that in me. Holy smokes! So it is worth me going through these to give you an idea of what these look like because you may think ‘I don’t have any of that’ when in actuality, you may.

Pain
There’s obvious pain and then there’s not-so-obvious pain. Obvious is the girl who can admit that she’s unhappy or that she’s lonely and so on. I find that folks in our industry tend to poke fun at them because they come across ‘weak’ and ‘whiny’ when they should just ‘suck it up’ and make the most of life…you know…set some goals and make it happen. If they just ‘did it’ and stopped crying about it…yadda yadda yadda. But then there is not-so-obvious pain which masks itself as someone who is ‘tough’ and ‘strong’ and can get it done even when they are hemorrhaging on the weight floor. They may say something like, “Oh, just ignore that. I tore my bicep off my arm. It’ll be fine by tonight.” and we are all supposed to just think that they are some sort of hero because they don’t complain but just keep on lifting. Huh??

Pain lacks emotion. Have you ever had someone tell you something tragic about their life but said it in such a way that they could have just as well been describing the color of the shades in their room? That’s pain.

Pain lacks common sense. Have you ever seen someone work themselves into the floor to the point where they are making themselves sick but darned if they miss a day in the gym? They would sooner stick a fork in their eye than miss a workout. That’s pain.

Pain lacks rationality. Have you ever had a girlfriend chase 5 pounds on the scale when she looks show ready at all times because the thought of gaining weight sends her into a tizzy and continuously reminds you of how no one else seems to see it but she does? You think she’s compliment phishing when really…that’s pain.

Anger
Anger is what you give to other people because you are too closed off to give them you. It is the gift that keeps on giving. Anger is a state of being…it is more than just an emotion. I got angry the day I found I was pregnant with Jarrett in 2005 and I didn’t stop being angry until 2009. Anger is necessary for survival when you are consumed with pain. Anger fuels your workouts, your day to day, your nights when you can’t sleep and your overall course of action with regards to your body. If that was all that anger fueled, that might not be so bad…but it’s not. Anger also fuels binge eating, forced starvation, mood swings, caustic humor, cutting remarks, drunkenness, DIYD, AoN, DD, jealousy and so on. Anger is to us as a flame is to a moth: even though we know it is not good for us and it will consume us thereby killing us…we can’t stop.

Self Hatred
Here is something that only shows up when you show up. What I mean is you do not notice how much you hate yourself until you are in front of yourself. I dealt with self hatred with cotton. I was, and still am now but for different reasons, the queen of cotton. Getting dressed brought on feelings of dread like no other. I could honestly forget all that I was going through if I just went through life without having to shower or get dressed. But seeing as I had to do that every day, I could not escape the feelings of self hatred. One trip in front of the mirror and I was in the throes of DD in a minute. I could not stand to be “dressed up” because to me, that just highlighted the issue. Somehow, in my warped thinking, it said that I was “ok” with this; that there was something valid about the way I looked and that was a lie as far as I was concerned. I was not going to love it, dress it, be nice to it…nothing. No…it needed to be silenced and I did that through treating my body and myself like garbage. The problem with this, though, is that it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I look like crap, therefore I feel like crap. I feel like crap, therefore I must be crap. If I am crap, why am I bothering to try and workout and make myself “better”? Again, we don’t actually “say” this, we just live this.

Shame
Shame shows up as justification. If you ever feel yourself justifying, you are embarrassed or feeling shameful about something. Whatever it is, your edges are fraying and others can see. Here is where I really went wrong. I REFUSED to justify to a certain extent. If I felt you needed to know what went down with me, I would tell you but for the most part I didn’t speak about it in public (I did in private) for almost 2 years. It was the big elephant in the room whenever I spoke in public and I was not about to give in to it. However, that didn’t lessen my feelings of shame, it actually made them worse. The noise in my head about what people thought at times was excruciating and it did not subside until I started talking about it. It has taken a long time to free myself of this and I cannot tell you that I am 100% there but I am pretty darn close. It takes a special situation to set me off and I am working towards eliminating even those rare occasions when they pop up. You are not hiding shame from anyone and it is lying to you if it tries to convince you that you will feel better after justifying. Ask me how I know.

I love you, ladies, dearly. I truly pray that you will never have to go through anything like this in your lives. If my blog does anything, I pray that it keeps you from making the mistakes that I made or give in to any feelings of inferiority like I did for so long. You are worth so much more than that. TRULY you are.

I will touch upon these at another time because each one is a blog post in and of itself but for now I will leave it here. Emotionally, this has been a roller coaster ride of a week for me and I need a break. Ha!! I’m going to go hide under my desk again rocking back and forth in fetal position. Thank goodness this isn’t programming week or I’d be in trouble. Not sure what’s coming up next but I hope it is not this intense. See you soon. Woop woop!!

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“It takes all types to move the world”, my mother used to say that to us kids almost daily. Normally, she would say that in response to something wacky she saw on the news. I am going to borrow that saying from my mom and use it as framework for something that applies to us which is ‘it takes all types of things to motivate those in the world’. Some folks are motivated by negative feedback: if he thinks that, I’ll show ‘em. Some by positive things: you look great, girl–are you losing weight? Me? I was motivated by success. In fact, I will take it one step further and say, I expected it. Up until 2004, there was not anything I did not achieve if I wanted it and put my mind to it. Failure, of any kind, was not an option.

To have a mindset like that is basically a tragic situation waiting to happen. For one, it is not realistic. At some point, I was going to meet my match. For two, it is obnoxiously arrogant and sadly naïve. I believed I was infallible when really I was just young and dumb. Had I traveled the world or looked beyond my nose, I would have realized there was much I could not do. And lastly, it drastically set me up for failure because the thing that held me back from getting my act together sooner was me trying to wrap my head around failing. Not being in control, not liking my circumstances, not knowing what I did wrong, not being humble enough to ask for help, not being patient and so on were all behaviors that stemmed from not succeeding at something I had set out to do. I would have had to tell someone that I did not know what I was doing which at that time I would have rather had you remove my finger nails down to the nail bed with a box cutter than tell you I didn’t have a clue.

When you are of that mindset and you are presented with a situation that you cannot “conquer” and you are not ready to admit that you are human and the body does not have to follow your rules, what’s the natural thing to do? Barrel through it and show it who’s boss! Sigh. Welcome to the 2006, 2008-2009 Demolition Derby (remember, 2007 was the ‘Year That Never Was’). Folks, please stay seated throughout and keep your hands in the ride until it comes to complete stop. Off and on, during those three years, I had waves of anger (I’ll tell you about that tomorrow) that showed up in various ways and dictated my behavior:

Decathlon-style working out: If you do not know what this is, you have no idea what you are missing. A decathlon is an athletic contest comprising ten different track-and-field events but for me it was working out, in 2006, on a level that would boggle your mind. I was that girl who would work out in the gym and then come home and do lunges while cleaning then run up and down the stairs about ten times putting clothes away (this was back when I did housework—don’t tell hubby I said that) all before going on a 5 mile walk with my son. Really? All this after I just had a baby by emergency c-section. Seriously?

Grand opening/grand closing: This is when you “start a new plan” but the plan is so outrageously unrealistic that it is a shame. I would want to go from zero to sixty in 2 weeks and then plan to stay like that for 10 weeks or so. Why? I can tell you not because I thought it was healthy or prudent. But because I could not stand to be where I was any longer. Could not. Now this is closely related to AoN and is basically the catalyst but the feeling that drove AoN was Demolition Derby. I am going to obliterate this fat if it is the last thing that I do!

Distractivitis: This is a dangerous condition that creeps on slowly. As you enter into a cycle of failure known as DIYD into AoN with waves of DD, you can no longer stand being in your presence. Silence or time off is your enemy so you work like a psycho/go back to school and get 3 more degrees/become a missionary in the Congo/help NASA with the Space Station, etc., because dang it, you’re going to be good at something! And we’re not going to sit around and be called lazy (because that’s not the problem…drowning is the problem), we have people to help, things to do and vaccinations that need to be discovered. Move out of the way.

Bad case of Al Bundy: Does anybody remember Al Bundy from Married With Children. I used to love that show. Al lived in the past all time and would recount his high school days of football like they still mattered 25 years later. Yeah…I get it. No, I did not endlessly talk about my “heyday” or anything sad like that, but I would want to go into the gym and lift like I just left the 2008 Strongman contest the week before with the first place trophy even though I really should have been at the National Shuffle Board contest instead as a caddy! There was no common sense going on here, ladies, I am sorry to say. I would set up a decathlon-style workout that would have a grand opening, blow out something on me—Lord only knows what—have the grand closing of that program, settle into distractivitis and then talk trash in my head because of AoN. Can anyone relate? Wonder why I can call your stuff to the carpet so quick and can’t get anything past me? OY!!!!!!!!!!

Jurassic Park: Here is a movie that I have never seen in its entirety but I use all the time as an example and I am using it again today. In the movie, the people would hide from the dinosaurs by saying, “If you don’t move, they can’t see you” and for me it was more like, “If I don’t acknowledge it, it really didn’t happen”. This causes some awkward moments in your life that can be both horrific and embarrassing and certainly not worth it. This could show up at the gym because you want to ‘do what you did before’ and not realize that you are about to kill yourself and everyone in the gym knows this but you. This could show up at a family barbeque because you want to race the little kids as if you are still in the same shape you were before but what really ends up happening is that you roll your ankle and now everyone has to empty the ice out of the cooler for your sorry behind. This is the thing that shows up as we age and causes us to not warm up or cool down for exercise as well as not stretch afterwards, too, because ‘we don’t need to do that’. What kind of nonsense is that? Sad. This is a scary condition and needs to be nipped in the bud real quick. Again, get a girlfriend who’s not afraid to tell you that you are being a clown.

All of this came about because of what I put value on: my body, my athleticism, my work ethic. Although they are great things to have, they are not all of who I am. That was my number one mistake. Every single one of those things are fleeting, at best. They will not last, nor will they withstand the test of time. At some point, when they fade away, you will be left asking one of two things: where’s my mojo (series to the right) or why am I bothering? Either one is going to derail you for quite some time if you are not willing to look deep inside and answer some very scary questions. Success, although it is wonderful to some extent, is poisonous when you have too much of it. There needs to be a healthy balance in your life of ups and downs 1) so you can grow as a person and 2) so that you can stay realistic in life.

Tomorrow I will be making my last P.A.S.S. on this topic. Stop by to see what that stands for and how it changed who I was. Woop woop!!

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This whole series came about because I wanted to send a wrap up email about my last series and when I tried to do that I just about lost my mind. I simply wanted to say that I knew what those folks were going through because I had been there in some shape or form in my life and I could relate but it was not coming out of my fingers properly; hence, Reverse Engineering. There is a distinct difference, though, between what I am about to share in this series and what those women were doing which is that I thought about all I did, they actually said all that they said. At the time I was going through all of this, I don’t believe anyone knew how deep it went but I am sure I had some frayed edges somewhere. We all do at some time…

My youngest cherub was born January 11, 2006 via emergency c-section. He was 5 weeks early, less than 5 pounds and looked like a greased up Cornish hen awaiting the oven; he was adorable. Why he came early is another series for another time but I was ecstatic because I was HUUUUYOOOUUUUGGGGGGE. I mean wooly mammoth huge because I had issues with my amniotic fluid and yadda, yadda, yadda so getting him out early was a blessing. I know I have said this on here somewhere before but babies are THE BEST THING to reset your metabolism. If you have been yo-yo dieting for years and now it takes an act of nature to move the scale, pop out a baby as your act of nature and you will see the pounds fall off after that (ask Jennifer Hudson). Do I even need to tell you that I had plans—no, I mean plans–for my maternity leave? This was right after I just gained a half of a llama during Armageddon and then immediately got pregnant so I had spent 8 months dreaming of this day to come to “get back to normal”.

As planned, I breastfed him but for only 3 months because I had issues there, too, but again that’s for that other series at another time but it, like my pregnancy, was an omen that hormonally I was still not right. Sometime during the middle of March I am given the ok to get back to working out and I get to it like a crack fiend in a back alley brawl. I was a psycho about it and for 9 straight months I pounded the pavement in every way I knew possible. I dieted, lifted, did cardio, thought light thoughts and so on. Basically, if it was possible to do—I did it. I lost nothing. No…I mean…nothing. Zero, zilch, zip, nadda, not one. stinkin’. pound. I will tell you, if you told me back then that that was possible I would have told you that you were a liar. I was shocked. Actually, I was a whole lot of other things but you’ll find that out by the end of the week. For now, shocked is a good word. I was raised to believe that if you ate right and exercised you would lose weight. It is was a simple as that and up to that time I had great genetics in that if I even thought about losing weight, I would. If I was ten pounds overweight, I just took an extra poop that day and dropped off 7 of those ten pounds and the other two would come from cutting back on something. I had never ever gone through 9 months of dieting and exercising and not lose even ONE pound. Did I say not one? This set me up for the longest year of my life, 2007, aka Damned If You, Damned If You Don’t.

Every so often I run into someone who lies like a rug. They say something cute like, “I love to workout. I love the way it makes me feel. I’ll never ‘not workout’.” Let me preface this by saying that they are always in shape, they are never overweight or could stand to lose a few. Typically I ask them, “Have you ever been heavy?” and they always answer “no” and I then tell them in a very nice manner to Shut. Up. Do NOT talk about what you have never experienced because you are full of crap. Do you want to know why we like to work out? Because we can see the fruit of our labor and it affirms the thoughts we already have of ourselves: we work hard…can’t you see? The minute you take that away you will see how hard it is to keep that fire burning. It. Is. Hard.

The year 2007 was the second worst year of my life (the first being 1994 but I’ll never talk about that year unless the photos show up on the internet somewhere and at that point I’ll plead the 5th) because it was the apex of all that I talked about in The Most Painful Diet. This is where it all came to a head and I began to truly understand that I didn’t just mess up and gain some weight, I royally screwed up and did some irreparable damage to my body and this was not going to be a quick fix. If I had a desk job, I am sure I could have handled it a little better. But I did not…I was a coach who put girls on stage for fitness, figure and bodybuilding. Oh joy. This is like finding out I just inherited my father’s tobacco company a day after getting a prestigious position as a director of a cardiology department at a famous hospital. You have to be kidding me. So essentially I am large and in charge and wishing I was decked out in camouflage. Awful. In come the struggles:

I struggled with authority:

Why in Heaven’s name would anybody listen to me? So, I became really good at what I did to shut everybody up and a total *B* to shut everyone down.

I struggled with mean comments:

Things like…
“Do you take your own advice?”
“How many plans do you give out before you do one yourself?”
“Clearly living what you teach isn’t necessary. What do you need then to do what you do?”

So I stopped talking to people.

I struggled with the loss of control:

I still couldn’t quite accept that I just couldn’t “diet” to lose the weight so I had manic fights in my mind that I must just be lazy and why couldn’t I work out harder? So I berated myself for being lazy or I worked that much harder at my job to silence the noise. I did not emotionally eat; I was a starver at this point.

I struggled with working out:

The thing that used to bring me happiness at one point in my life now brought me nothing but pain. Why am I bothering? What’s the point? No one thinks that I do anyways. If I do, nothing changes. If I don’t, nothing changes. Everyone wanted to tell me how to diet and workout even though I, myself, was putting girls on stage. Unreal.

I justified, reasoned, denied, did a good bob and weave, emotionally stuffed, rebuffed and at times just gave life the finger. I lived out my folly publicly and had no idea how much this truly affected me until November 2007 when I went to see a naturopath. This woman, who was as disheveled and scatter brained as I was at the time, told me in the most calm, sweet voice all that my blood work told her and it was not good. She spent 30 minutes telling me all about my adrenals and a bunch of other things that we were going on and then in the most matter of fact tone said, “You’re not lazy, nor are you crazy.” With that I stood up, went to my car—it was pouring rain outside—and I sat in it for 30 min crying so hard that I think I pulled a tummy muscle. Sobbed like I lost a child. I had no idea how badly I needed to hear that but that ended the “Year That Never Was” for me and I realized I had to change my mindset if I was going to move forward.

First, self pity is not your friend. He is a menace and you need to stomp on him right away. I was too far into a pit to even realize that I was wallowing in it, but I will tell you that I was definitely wallowing in it. Here is the thing that you need to be mindful of if anything like this ever happens to you (like an injury that sidelines you for a while): self pity doesn’t look like self pity when it creeps up on you and you vacillate between it and everything else I’m going to talk about this week. It is nowhere near as defined as just sitting around in marinating in your own juices. It ebbs and flows and it disguises itself in many insidious ways mostly by bogging your mind down with nonsense justifications. We can smell it on other people but we are impervious to our own. Get a good friend to come in and tell you to get your head out of your butt after she has you empty your heart of all your junk.

Second, I had to realize that what happened to me was a reflection of my stupidity but not my work ethic. That was huge. If everybody wanted to judge me by how I looked then God Bless ‘em but I’ll be darned if I begin to believe that I am not worthy of being a nutritionist anymore because I looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Now who understands that that took me a while to really get that into my marrow before I could truly walk that out? There were times of justification, pain, anger, resentment and so on but on a whole, that thought guided me like no other. I was good at what I did and I was more than what my body was telling people.

Third, I am more than just my work ethic. This is our struggle ladies. This is it in a nutshell. We lament gaining 5 pounds or having anyone seeing us less than ideal because they are not judging our appearance, they are judging us. How smart we are, how good we are at what we do, how talented we are and so on because we excel at all and our body is no different. If you see me looking “less than” then I must be lazy, out of control, not disciplined, not fit to be a [mother, sister, friend, leader, trainer, etc] so we should just hang it up now and the list goes on. Our weight says we are ‘worthy’ and I can tell you after this many years since Armageddon that that is a lie from the pit of hell.

All or None is tomorrow. This is just the tip of the glacier. Woop woop!

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Could I do a play on words here with you? Is that ok? Because I would never do a play on words, right? I chose the name of my post to be ‘managed care’. I could not get away from that title and if you are subscribed to my emails you know that I get the titles of my blogs first and then I write them based on the title. No title, no blog. But managed care, in this day and age, refers to (as Wikipedia puts it):

Managed care is used in the United States to describe a variety of techniques intended to reduce the cost of providing health benefits and improve the quality of care.

Well obviously that’s not what I am referring to in this series so I was annoyed with myself when I couldn’t get rid of the title and find another. So I looked up the definition of managed and one of the meanings was:

to bring about or succeed in accomplishing, sometimes despite difficulty or hardship

and I looked up the meaning for care and saw that one of the choices was this:

a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern

Could I just be so bold as to stick the two together and create my own definition of managed care which is a representation of the story I am going to tell today? Managed care in today’s post means:

A lifestyle that succeeds in accomplishing, sometimes despite difficulty, a state of mind in which one is troubled.

Yeah…that’s it. And you ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie with this one!

I went to a house party/gathering/get together kind of thing. There were a lot of people there. It was a mixed crowd of singles and married couples, all colors, all occupations but mostly my age range. It was good conversation for the most part and I had a really good time. I, also, had an interesting “fly on the wall” moment with one of the girls at the party.

There are about 4 of us sitting around chatting, just enjoying the night and having a good laugh. Somehow, and I never pay attention to how until it’s too late, we got to yapping about weight, dieting and everything that it entails. I clam up. I got nuttin’. I want to have this conversation like I want to glide my tongue down a splintered piece of wood. Who understands what I’m saying right now? If it wouldn’t have been so obvious, I would have gotten up and moved elsewhere but I was stuck. So it begins…

Let me start by saying it was not the actual conversation that bothered me. To be honest, I cannot for the life of me remember what we were talking about so the topic wasn’t the problem—the girl that was speaking was the problem.  I will venture further and say, I like her, actually, so it wasn’t her per se as much as it was what she was trying to convince us of. Have you ever been in one of these conversations where you start wondering if the person you are talking to is really even talking to you or not? Or are they talking to themselves, convincing themselves of the things that are coming out of their mouth? And that wouldn’t be a big deal either because we’ve all done it at least once in our lives but most of the time we are honest about it. What was going on here was a total travesty.

Somehow—again, no idea how—we start talking about daily regimens and how we manage eating in general when there are all these bad choices around us. I should be more specific here and say “they” because I ain’t sayin’ nuttin’. Like nuttin’. So they get into how they all have dieted and how maintenance is tough—yadda, yadda—and the girl launches into how life is so wonderful now that she eats “this way” (I’ll explain in a minute) and she doesn’t know why it took her this long to do this and so on. “This way” means that she eats all organic food, nothing refined in any form, she makes all her own [insert whatever you may buy readymade like salad dressing], she eats very little meat and so on and so forth. There is nothing wrong with the choices of what she eats, I have no organic/whole food agenda here and it is working for her wonderfully because she has dropped a good amount of weight. Here is what you need to know: she is much like “Dr. Mercola” from yesterday in terms of extreme eating, and she is one of the most critical/harsh women I have met in a long time—she’s polarizing to be exact. Her claim here is that she is now ‘happy’, yet she is happy like I’m a domestic housewife (sounds good in theory but never comes to fruition). What she described is a life that is absolutely bound to her eating regimen to live day to day ‘happily’. Change anything in her eating and you have upset her balance.

I know what you are thinking: sounds like a lot of folks I know. Yes, I’m sure, but my issue here is much like the one of yesterday in that she had an agenda and she was recruiting. Unlike “Dr. Mercola” whose agenda was the extreme eating itself, this girl’s agenda was ‘now I am happy and you can be, too’. Suddenly, we were all miserable, shameful creatures because we just couldn’t see how happy and stable her life is now that she changed her food choices. The conversation began to get tense simply because she was trying to convince us that this is the life to live and the rest of us weren’t going for it. No one opposed her but no one supported her either. It was just dead air, she was miffed and just like yesterday’s post I said nothing. (When I go that silent, just know there’s something up.)

Why didn’t I say anything?

I would have upset the eco system. One of the worst things I can ever do (and ask me how I know this…sigh) is to enter into a conversation like that, ask a question or two that would have rocked her world and then get in my car to go home and never look back. If you know that you have a friend, not a close one, who is a holy mess but you don’t want to be the one to deal with it…leave her alone. This girl is at least functioning right now. If I had said anything to her to change where she was but then did not offer any assistance when she fell flat on the floor, then I am as irresponsible as they come.

This is hard for us to understand because many of us operate from a place of compassion when we see someone we know or like or even love suffering from the choices that they are making in their lives. (There is no one there who didn’t want to scream at her, “You are not happy!”)  We want to help them and give them some good solid food advice or help them with their training routine, which is all fine and good, but we need to have super sensitive antennae up that tell us when we should leave ‘good enough’ alone. If someone has built their survival around a religious (meaning scrupulously faithful; conscientious) activity and they have gone so far as to convince themselves that this is the way to go…LEAVE THEM ALONE. Only get involved if you are in for the long haul—and I mean long haul. You may disagree with me and that is A-OK with me. I, however, have had my fair share of Humpty Dumpties who have had a great fall all because I stuck a poker in the bees nest and then high-tailed it out of Dodge before realizing I just brought Armageddon to their front lawn. Again…I am reformed.

There’s yet another for us to look at tomorrow before I wrap up via email…hang tight…

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Once a month I go to a leadership type of meeting. No, I’m not a leader in anything and am quite happy with that but I do enjoy listening to the ladies that are there and learning from them. I am typically the youngest one in attendance so there is much to learn every time I go.

About 4 months ago, a new lady showed up to the meeting and really stirred things up. We probably have a new person come every 2 to 3 meetings or so and it’s always nice to get a new perspective and we really do welcome new people with open arms. The meetings, themselves, are centered on leadership and helping each other out in our respective positions so it is always nice to put it into practice by being accommodating to new people. The meetings are not about health or anything fitness related at all as we come from different professions and all walks of life and occasionally we will focus on one particular person’s field of interest, but that’s not the norm. We are there for the purpose of leadership development and supporting each other so who knew that the new woman at the meeting would cause such a raucous this day by not adhering to our purpose.

This is where I want to break and talk about meetings in general with women. WOW. What an eye opener. If you ever want to see the word *insecurity* in the flesh—a meeting will definitely do it. Now, I am not talking about these ones in particular because they are very small and focused, but more in the broader sense. Women are like a pack of dogs all searching for the alpha position—whether they want the position or they are looking to find out who has the position it doesn’t matter, they are all searching. And should you find yourself not knowing which one you are, you can be mowed over by the one who is claiming alpha or pushed out of the way but one who is aggressively looking for the alpha. YIKES.

The meeting time is set for the morning so when we get there our hostess typically has a light breakfast assortment out for us to choose from. The choices range from healthy to nowhere near healthy so everyone there is represented and it is at her house so honestly, no one is expecting her to be IHOP with a menu of choices. I’m happy she’s hosting it, for crying out loud, I know I wouldn’t want to do that monthly. So in walks Dr. Mercola—I mean the new woman. Holy Interruption, Batman! Yes! I am all about health. Yes! I care about the choices that you make and why you make them. But heck no! am I going to torture you if you choose something that is not so healthy.

I need you to know before I go on explaining what went down with this woman at this meeting that I am working on some major things in my personality. One of them is not stomping on people in conversations. If you know me, you know I have my work cut out for me, but dang it—it’s worth it. I can, if given the opportunity, dominate a room…no, wait…obliterate a room full of people if you pick a good enough topic. About 3 years ago, I had to free myself of that burden; too much carnage in my wake and it feels awful when you are done. So, I liberated myself from being the know-it-all that I can be. No…really…I did…stop laughing…sigh. But I also have an incredible knack of blending in the background, too, so that no one knows that I am there and I just sit back and watch the drama unfold. I brought the silent woman to this meeting in case you wondering.

So Dr. Mercola, as I will now call her, systematically went through the room shaming everyone for their choices in a very passive aggressive manner. It looks like this:

“Oh, I love Danish. I haven’t had any in such a long time. They cause too many gastric issues and they’re not good for you. I gave up anything with white flour or any refined foods for that matter. I’ve lost over 100 pounds in 2 years. I don’t let anything unhealthy pass my lips.”

My immediate reaction to this was sarcasm…in my mind. I wanted to say some things out loud…but I’m reformed. My biggest problem with what she said is the “I am better than you because I can make a better choice than you can” kind of tone. It was mean and it was a pot shot. Essentially she was picked on and debased when she was heavier so now it’s her turn to unleash the cracken on someone. Not cool.

The ladies at the meeting are just that: true ladies. So they let Dr. Mercola have her say for a minute or two and then moved right into the meeting. OH…but the nonsense did not stop! The meeting was barely in motion before we heard about how alcohol was so bad for you and that not ONE drip should ever be consumed because it is so poisonous. And studies show that…[my eyeballs begin to bleed]…

Why did I take such offense to that? Because in her ranting she neglected to stop and find out about the people at the meeting and who we all were. One of the participants—whom I have truly grown to love—is a newly life living ex-alcoholic and she needed to hear this like I needed someone to ask me if I ever take my own nutrition advice (another story for another time). It was only about her and it was apparent. The other thing that made this very difficult for us was how much she tried to make it seem like it wasn’t about her and how she wanted to help everyone. Oh how I wish that people—more trainers than anyone else—could see that their soap box is just that—theirs! When you are in the business of helping others…help them! And helping them is not making them look and act like you. OY!

We barely got through the meeting that day. Every way that she could interrupt, she did. She had the most extreme ideas about food, health, health care and so on. I was mortified. And I was also silent. I said not one word. Who can believe that? Not one. Why? For two reasons:

Why bother? Years ago I came to the realization that in the fitness industry everyone is a nutritionist and everyone is a trainer if they, themselves, have dieted themselves or worked out at least once and had some measure of success. If you cannot handle this, get out now. Almost all people operate under the fallacy that ‘if I have gone through it, I am now qualified to take you through it’. This is why you see guys/girls do one show and become a coach. It’s frightening and dieting is no different. Once you have dieted and had success, you are now officially a nutritionist. I have to say that this is the number one reason I avoid social engagements that are centered around food. They are just not fun for me. I either get challenged by someone in the room or I have to listen to Dr. Mercola, Dr. Oz and a splash Oprah all night long.

…the second reason…

Where would I start? That woman’s pain was sitting all over her sleeve. Torment, anger, resentment, vengeance and pride were all abound. Which one would I pick on first? None of that was about food. She wouldn’t know good nutrition if it took her out to dinner for goodness sakes. No…that was 100% about her personal pain and she drags it with her everywhere she goes. I will spare you her diet regimen but she was so rigid about what she ate and how she ate it that I think I let a tear fall down my face for her daily eating plan. We can all be like this at times, ourselves. We truly need to be mindful of this monster because we develop a false sense of security in the rigidity of our choices and the routine of our lives. We think that somehow we’ve erased a painful past or challenging circumstance because we count out 10 blueberries and avoid sugar all day long.

The saddest thing about this is that she looked gaunt. She was not super thin at all, her weight was fine, but she looked unhealthy. I believe that was simply because her frayed edges were showing and she couldn’t hide them anymore…

More to come tomorrow…

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Prideful

– satisfaction or pleasure taken in one’s own success or achievements.  Not a bad thing for sure until it drives us to hurt ourselves, destroy our true sense of worth or worst of them all:  hurt others.

The “I Know This Works” Diet

What is a good example of this diet? Whatever diet you did when you think you looked the best.

Why do we think we do this? “Oh, this is the only thing that ‘works’ for me.”

Why do we really do it? Because we think, “Oh, this is the only thing that ‘works’ for me.”

If you are two months into a weight loss plateau and you will not change what you are doing simply because ‘this is what got me to where I wanted to be in the first place’, then I am talking to you.  Taking starches out of your diet does not give you instant weight loss, ceasing all cheating does not make your body shape up overnight and splitting your meals into 5 meals from 4 meals does not put you on the fast track to the cover of a magazine.  There is so much more to physique trans4mation than ‘the last thing you did that worked’ and you are cheating yourself out of a new experience simply because ‘you know this works’.   There are three things going on here:

1)      Arrogance: No one knows your body better than you do, as far as you are concerned, and you know what you are doing because you do it for other people. Maybe so but every coach should have a coach, just like every doctor has a doctor.  Get over yourself and learn something new (this said by the former ‘most arrogant nutritionist in the field’) so that you can at least get off that weight loss plateau and before you do something harmful in desperation later.

2)      Fear: The last time I tried something new I gained 10 pounds and fought like a dog to get it off again.  No thank you.   I know this works and I’m sticking to it. I hear you loud and clear here and NO ONE knows this fear quite like me…BUT…it is still a cop out.  Your body does not change because of what you are doing; it changes because of the *change* in what you are doing.  If you do not change, it does not either.

3)      Pride: I actually do not want to change because then I would have to tell someone what is really going on with me and I’ll open up my closet full of Jurassic Park bones. Listen, after reading this site, you have to realize that we all have closets full of pterodactyl bones and it is A-Ok over here.  Feel free to mingle with us loonies.

The Celebrity Diet

What is the origin of this diet? Facebook:  Following the diet of the latest and greatest fitness model.

Why do we think we do this? Typically we start this because we are new to the industry, in love with {insert name here}, naïve enough to believe that they do what they print in the magazines and it is going to work for us.

Why do we really do it? We want to prove to ourselves that we can hang with the best of them even though up until then the only thing we’ve ever “denied” ourselves was humility.

Almost all of us have the same story in terms of our paltry beginnings:  we were always the best at {insert here}/very athletic/very smart/the obedient one/the dare devil who got good grades/worked 2 jobs/started a social campaign to save the whales/discovered America so when we graduated college we were looking for a way to stay athletic/top of the heap/challenged beyond belief because we over achieve at breathing and denying ourselves food and lifting until we pop a hemorrhoid seemed like the best way to do it.  I know, I was like that, too, so this is a common one for all of us in the way beginning:  we find the best looking fitness model/competitor with the most stringent diet and we just follow it.  We may follow their whole diet, the fact that they will not eat {insert here}, how many days out of the week they lift or what have you.  But what is the most notable thing about us doing this diet is that *we* think it is hard and that somehow there is something glorious about us because we can hang with such and such and do what such and such is doing.  Eventually we grow out of this but some of us are still doing it, not by following a person, but by following the *culture on a whole*.

Following the things your favorite fitness model puts on her Facebook is like eating the display dish at your favorite deli counter: both scary and dangerous all at the same time.  Not only is she not telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but she is most likely sponsored by someone to tell you all that she did and she is not disclosing that to you.  I am saying this unequivocally right now that this is not about anyone in particular nor am I pointing a finger at fitness models or competitors.  This is about you—and just you.   The internet is a scary place to be when you feel “less than”, when you are vulnerable or when you just gained 3 pounds for no particular reason so you are reaching for straws.   Seeing her Facebook page is like an ex-alcoholic walking into a 24 hour lounge with open bar.  Even if you don’t want to participate, the draw is too much for you to resist when you are down and out.  Think about who you are allowing your mind to be filled with everyday and ask yourself, “Are they helping me or hindering me?  Do I feel good about myself when I am done looking or do I start a barrage of negative self talk right after seeing her bum hoisted up on the bathroom sink with her thong in full view?”

When we stalked them as a particular person, it was easy to spot later on that we had an issue and had to stop.  But when we stalk them all as a culture, it is less obvious and we may not see the things that we are doing that are hurting us.  She diets for a season and a reason, you diet so that your physique is pleasin’—it is not the same.  To hold yourself to that standard of discipline week in and week out is unrealistic and to compare yourself to her is mind numbing.  I totally get it, though, she *looks* like where you want to be but trust me, even if you hardened up your butt cheeks to the point of cement like status, you are still married to the same man, living in the same house, going to the same job and eating the same food.  This is a dangerous diet to be doing.  Knock it off.

The “I Am Superior” Diet

What is a good example of this diet? Dr. Mercola, PhD based diet programs, The Program

Why do we think we do this? We are being mindful of our metabolism; we are nurturing our thyroid; we are on top of our hormones, all cancer and food intolerances.

Why do we really do it? We are showing off.  Plain and simple.  Look at me, I am doing this elite diet by this PhD guy and his intelligence has now wafted on to me somehow.  I am leaner and smarter all at the same time.

We have to be really careful, ladies, we are different.  We diet harder, we workout harder and we achieve more in the day than the average doobie.  Some of us get up at the crack of dawn and do in one hour what many may not do in a month.  Those around us get “it”: we’re driven.  But let me let you in on a secret:  you will not always be.  And when your drive fades or the reason behind your drive shifts, you will be left with a shell of who you used to be and a whole lotta people celebrating your crash because you spent a good amount of your time letting them know how superior you were when you were fit and in shape.

We do not mean to do it, but we do.  We make our families feel bad, our co-workers insecure and our significant others feel like schleps and in all honesty, that is their problem to deal with for sure.  However, we do not help by the way we do things:  making our Facebook pages a place to lecture people on their bad habits, spouting off information that sounds super intelligent but does not help a soul, showing up to the gym in our latest LuLu outfit complete with our program from our ‘top coach’ or being the one at the party who has to set everyone straight on the latest food findings.  There are other little things that we do that may seem more innocuous like never letting anyone ever see you eat something bad, never allowing people to see you “up a few pounds” because you will not go to the gym until you are “back to normal”, never admitting to a friend that you cheat even though your fingers are orange from the bag of Cheetos in the car or basically not ever being “real” with anyone.   All of these things scream, “Look at me.  I look good, I diet harder, I am more disciplined and I am smarter than you.”

What makes this diet so hideous is we did not choose the diet or the online coach because we needed them, we chose them because there was someone we knew who we “didn’t think was up to par” doing the same diet/using the same coach as us and we immediately thought, “I need to up the ante.”  Our fuel for changing and seeking this person out was simply that he/she is at the elite level and we wanted to be associated with them lest the nubie dieters get the idea that they are on the same level of us as dieting and working out.  At this point, we are probably just graduating from the The Celebrity Diet and we need to distance ourselves from the crowd of those “who do” from those “who think they do” so we hire the intelligent guy, keep it hush hush, stop talking about our workouts and food because now it is proprietary (because he’s the only one who knows about oatmeal) and we begin to insulate ourselves from everyone else because…well…we think we are more special.  Wow…did I just say that?  I did.  And it hurts my heart to know it is true.  We can insert whatever we want in there, too, because it is not just dieting.  It can be gyms, trainers, exercises, food brands and so on.  There is an undercurrent of snobbery with us and like I said above, people are waiting in the rafters for us to fail and we eventually do.

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Dysfunction junction what’s your unction?

Hooking up diets with crazy thought patterns.

(Feel free to sing along)

Dysfunction: a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system

Junction: a place or point where two or more things meet or converge.

Unction: something soothing or comforting.

Let’s face it:  we have issues.  We do.  As put together as we may appear to our families and friends, we have some hard core, no joke issues that start with our bodies and then manifest through food.   For the longest time, dysfunction was a word that when I heard it I would think of families.  Don’t we all think we have the most dysfunctional family and even more so every time the cops show up to a backyard barbeque because Uncle Peanut and cousin George are going at it again over money?  Or is that just my family?  Now, the word dysfunction immediately makes me think of the way we perceive food—not our bodies—but food in relation *to* our bodies.   How many of you have a certain quirky behavior that you do now that you know you never did before because somehow doing it makes you feel as if those calories do not count or your clothes fit better or whatever?  We all have something and to some degree it’s cute and it’s funny, but then there comes a time when it begins to set up a pattern of thinking that starts out as dysfunctional and quickly morphs into mental bondage.  Where we can’t have a cheat meal—which is food albeit not necessarily the best food but food nonetheless–because we think we will gain weight but we will thoroughly ignore the fact that over the course of the week we ate a bunch of “little” cheats that added up to 4 cheat meals and a snack by the time we were done anyway.  But it doesn’t count…because it took a week…and it wasn’t as bad because…well…because it wasn’t.  [pouting while looking at the floor]  So, to make up for that folly we skip the cheat meal again coming up that weekend because we believe in our warped thinking that we should not have it because we just cheated our way through the week but now we are resentful because we can’t have it…and we want to be done with this dieting thing…and why are we the only one with horrible genetics…and we don’t need it anyway because it’s so much easier not to have it…so we—wait for it…–keep “cheating”!  UGH!

This is just one of the quirky things that we do and the most easily recognizable but there are many more dysfunctions, and yes, I am going to touch upon one of them in this series and it is not the cheat meal–it’s dieting in general.  Understand dysfunction was not our issue at first.  None of us started this behavior consciously and almost all of us developed it over a long period time.  Long enough that we may even tell our quirk to other people as if it actually had scientific basis or did not seem wonky at all while we try to convince them that we have no other motive for that behavior other than pure science (“Baby, I eat my food cold because studies show it digests better.”  Riiight).  Trust me when I say this, they think you are jacked in the mind.  Just accept it.  Especially when you try to convince them that something tastes amazing when it clearly does not (*cough* protein pancakes *cough*).   Again, all cute and funny here but like I said before, there comes a time…when we reach a certain junction in our lives…when we cross a line from a silly behavior to augmenting the way we eat to accommodate a twisted thought in our head.  Not cool.  That junction is normally at the meeting place of our bodies vs. ‘loss of control’ somewhere in our lives and we feel as if we need that control back NOW.  Stat!  Pronto!  Therefore, decisions must be made and behaviors must be changed (read that as ‘become more extreme’) so that we can feel more in control of something we have absolutely no control over.

The most obvious decision that we make is to do some sort of overhaul with our diet.  We need something to placate the feeling that we have.  We are spiraling out of control.  We are up 5 pounds, manically eating junk, feeling lousy about ourselves, not liking the look of our body for some reason, feeling insecure, wanting relief from something emotionally draining or what have you!  We may be one of those; we may be all of those. The point is:  We. Are. Something.  And if we do not have ‘something’ that soothes or comforts that feeling we have, you know…like an unction (i.e. crazy diet), then we could possibly self destruct until we do.   Here it is, though, here is the scary thing and it is happening so innocently that we may miss it.  The problem is not the choosing of an unction, the problem is in the justification.  What are you telling yourself to justify the decision that you are making?  What “science” are you convincing yourself of?  What rationale are you using to say it is okay to eat white fish at every meal for 2 weeks straight just to lose 5 pounds?  Again, the diet or method you may choose to do may not be bad, but the reason you choose it is and that is puts you on a game playing, weight loss merry-go-round that can be mind boggling at best; destructive at worst.

We, in our dysfunction, diet for many reasons but I have only chosen 3 for this series and 3 diets per reason; I could have easily chosen another 10 if given the chance.  I start the series out in full humor but end in all seriousness.  Tomorrow is about Reactive Dieting, how y’alls tend to do crazy things for silly reasons and try with a straight face to convince me that you have fully thought this through.  Wednesday is about Prideful Dieting.  This is slightly funny but more on the cautionary side.  I may come off as if I am lecturing you but I can assure I am not.  I am sparing you from your own folly.  Ask me how I know (hanging my head in shame).  Thursday I am in your living room, sitting across from you on the couch, looking you dead in your eyes and saying enough is enough.  You are worth more than this psycho behavior can give you and the destruction has to stop.  Friday, after you booted me out of your house on Thursday, I still had more to say so I made you meet me for a tea and I talk about the last diet and then I put a short wrap up together so we are clear on all that I am saying here.

This is much like the last series in that I do not have any lead ins or transition statements at the end of the blogs.  I will not “make sense of” or wrap anything up until Friday so be sure to read all the emails I send to you about the posts and this introduction again if you feel as if you are missing something.  I have much to say about the way we diet, I do not need to make the posts any longer with transition stuff.  I hope you enjoy.  “See” you tomorrow!  WOOP WOOP!

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My, my the months are flying by.  It seems like eons ago when you cleaned up your diet and really put your mind to getting in shape for the summer.  All those hours in the gym and kitchen have done your body some good in that you look great—probably the best you have in a long time—but you feel like crap and your absolutely petrified about stopping what you’re doing because you do not want to go backwards again.  This is the second time on the weight loss roller coaster and not only is it getting harder, but it’s truly getting old.  Peace seems to be fleeting and there has to be someone who can honestly make this happen on a daily basis.  You’re starting to think that you’ll never achieve maintenance, that it’s all a big lie and somehow you’ll be a prisoner forever of this body you once wanted.

I am so tired of the gym.  It’s gorgeous outside.  I want to try the new bootcamp class at my gym, I heard it’s hard, but I can’t do that, lift and do my cardio.  I’m not giving up my lift, I don’t know if it’s “cardio” enough to replace my cardio.  I also want to try the outdoor standing pilates class.  Ugh!

Burning out makes you:

Irrational. Many of us think what got us here was whatever the last thing we were doing.  We cannot for the life of us see the sum total of all that we do and because of that, we are held hostage by the thought that  “I did A + B and got C” and if I don’t do it in that order and in that particular way, I’ll lose all my hard work.  If you stay at this pace and mindset, though, you’ll implode.

Working out makes you:

Confident. You realize that it wasn’t one specific thing that you have done to get here and it won’t be one specific thing that keeps you here either.  You’ll keep a close watch on how your clothes are fitting, but this is summer and you need a break from the indoors.

You begin to write out your current schedule so you can see where you can cut corners but you’re not getting anywhere.  On the one hand, you need a break.  Being inside, lifting weights, the boring cardio all bother you and you know that you can change it up a little but you’re not sure how much.  On the other hand, changing it right now sends your mind into a tail spin:  What do I keep in?  What do I get rid of?  What matters?  The more you read, the less you know and the more adamant you become that you are not doing this all over again.

Burning out makes you:

Aggravated and confused. Because you are operating out of fear, you are not making sound decisions which in turn make you feel trapped and resentful.   Ultimately, you realize that you are not going to blow up overnight but you can’t seem to shake that nagging feeling that you are making a big mistake.  This sends you on an internet/FB frenzy of seeing what other people are doing for the summer.  However, this only makes you more manic and you’re about to ‘not work out altogether’ out of pure stress.  Yes, not smart and worse than if you just went to boot camp but emotions are incredibly powerful as you are now finding out and they don’t always help us in our time of need.

Working out makes you:

Satisfied and lucid. After writing out your schedule you decide to keep 2 days/week as a lift, 3 days of boot camp and cardio on an ‘as needed’ basis.  You’ll try out the pilates first to see if it’s challenging and if it is, you may try to fit it in.  But you already know that you’ll be going away a lot on the weekends so you’ll be making lots of adjustments all summer long.  This will not be the only time you do this, this summer.

One of the biggest mistakes that we make in fitness is basing what we do off of what someone else is doing rather than basing it off of what we need.  Instead of learning what our bodies really respond to and what truly makes us tick, we blindly follow behind those we admire and stalk on the internet, not realizing that 50% of what they post is fiction and the other 50% they are not telling you because it’s a “secret”.  There are reasons you do not trust letting go of the reigns and they’re more than just worrying about the outcome:

• Not understanding what “worked” in the first place
• Putting too much value on your appearance
• Wanting to follow random people’s programs because it’s easier and heck, they look great so why not
• Wanting, needing and relying on structure but then resenting the restriction of the rigid structure

If you allow these things to continue to control you, you will struggle FOREVER every time summer, the holidays and wedding season comes around and you WILL burnout.  I know I said it before but it bears repeating because I’m not stirring this up without follow thru:  I promise I will give you some firm guidelines at the end of this series.  In the mean time, though, learn your body!  I can guarantee you that it requires much less upkeep than you think and that most of you are just continuously beating it into submission until it no longer wants to listen to you.  And that’s not good.  Woop woop!

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It’s been a long week at work and it’s finally coming to a close.  You’ve had a “good week” in terms of diet and exercise so you are feeling “on track” right now and you’re hoping the weekend will be the same.  The phone rings and it’s your hubby calling you with a surprise:  a weekend for two down the cape with a Saturday night boat cruise to boot.  The kids are being packed up and shipped off to Grandma’s like a bundle sitting on Amazon’s loading dock and you have no other plans to cancel so right now it looks like it’s smooth sailing to paradise.  You hang up the phone and do a happy dance in your cubicle—for 2 min.  Then the panic sets in:

Wait, I am on track this week.  I have one lift left for the week, when do I fit that in?  I’ll call ahead and see if they have a gym.  What about food?  I’ll get online and see their menu.  No need to ruin all this work this week.  I really wanted to focus on my workouts, though, I’m finally on track.  Grrrr.

Perfection says:

I cannot miss any day.  If I do, I am somehow “less than”.  I’m both not dedicated and somehow likened to “general public” or I’m just a downright fraud because my priorities are in the wrong place yucking it up like this.  If I let on day go, I’ll never get on track again and I’ll gain weight.

Excellence says:

Ok, this was not in the plan but I can handle this.  Missing one day of cardio and one lift is not going to kill me.  In fact, it will probably do me some good since I’m so stressed from work.  What I lose in workout time, I’ll gain in rest.  Maybe I can get a workout in before we leave and it would be awesome if they had a gym.  Let me see what I can do…

Then you remember the call with your hubby:  “Babe.  I got us a trip down the cape.  Just ‘me and you’ time.  We haven’t had just me and you time for a long time now.  When you get home, pack the kids clothes, drop them off at my mother’s—stop the car this time…just puttin’ that out there—and meet me at the house by 6pm.  We can be down there by 8pm while it’s still light out and eat out by the water.”

As great as that sounds, you’re annoyed.  You wanted to do cardio this afternoon and lift in the morning.  There goes your mind again:

If I leave work now, I can get in 30 min of cardio—maybe I’ll just go for a quick run—grab the kids’ stuff and boot them to Grandma’s.  I know he’ll want to snuggle in the morning but he’ll understand if I just run to the gym for a quick lift…

And until you actually do all of this, your mind will be consumed with the timing and the execution of this master plan that you have that supposedly is accommodating both his wishes and yours.

Perfection says:

I’m sure he’s going to be annoyed because I need to get my workout in, but he didn’t ask me if this was ok.  He just went ahead and planned this.  He should know how important my workouts are to me.  I just got on a roll.  How can I go through the summer looking like this?  How can I enjoy myself?  Now I need to leave work early and I’m sure that’s not going to go over well.  I can say my kids are sick…

Excellence says:

This is just one weekend out of many in my life time.  Yes, I’m on a roll and I don’t want to break it, but missing one day of cardio and one day of lifting for the sake of my marriage is worth every sweat bead that I’m not sweating today.  What good is the workout if we’re going to spend the rest of the day not talking or enjoying ourselves?  Not to mention, if I leave work early on a Friday it may not go over so well and I’m in line for a promotion.  No 30 min on a machine is worth all that.

You end up not being able to leave early, traffic was a nightmare and you’re already a half hour behind.  You are trying so hard not to be mad as hornet but you can’t help but think that this always happens:

Every time you get on a roll or feel like you’re making strides, something comes along and messes it up.  (Now your mind is racing over all the times it seemed to be so much simpler than it is now.)  When you seemed to have endless time to get things done and it took 2 min to lose 10 pounds; now it takes 10 weeks to lose 2 pounds.  You don’t want to seem like an ingrate but you’re going to have to let hubby know that he should give you advance notice of these things so you can plan accordingly.  Is that so much to ask?

Perfection says:

Me, at all costs.

Excellence realizes:

Who am I losing this weight for anyways?  If the man I married is happy to have me 1 cardio and 1 lift session short and still plans for me to be with him, and him alone, for the weekend, what the heck is my issue?  Will I really have a better time if I’m down 2 pounds but frazzled and disjointed going into the weekend or will I be happier if I am relaxed and more connected with my hubby with my weight loss goal waiting for me for the following Monday?

For some of you, this may seem extreme.  For others, your nodding your head going, “I’ve been there before.”  It’s summer time.  Enjoy those around you in a relaxed and loving atmosphere.  Disconnect from you and connect into something bigger:  relationship.  This means spending real time with mom, dad, hubby, partner, kids, relatives or friends without making them wait for you to work out first.  Stop holding everybody—including yourself—hostage while you waste your memories in the gym.  I promise to you that I will give you what matters for the gym in my third post, but until then, trust me when I say that one, even two work outs missed does not a disaster make. Perfection is unattainable and always costs something in the long run.  Excellence is not stepping over a dollar to pick up a nickel.  It makes no sense to be dogmatic about a goal because you insist that reaching it will make you happy when in the course of attaining it you made yourself miserable.  See you tomorrow. Woop woop!

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We are in the middle of the gastrointestinal nightmare series defined by bloated bellies and leaky butts (yeah I said that…what are you gonna do about it?) so I feel obligated to ask the one question I always feel is necessary:  Is it worth it?  Seriously.  Is all the worry, stress, hustle and bustle worth it in your life when it is all said and done?

Back in the day, and I mean back in the day, I was at UMass Boston taking an exam to get my ACSM personal trainer certification.  I think at the time I was also a stay at home mom, group fitness instructor, NASA astronaut, part time pastry chef, Red Cross volunteer and candy striper.  Honestly, there wasn’t much I wasn’t doing during this time.  I had supernatural powers and supernatural energy.  But I was missing some major medical signs that all wasn’t well in Dodge (I really had a knack for this—what a clown I was) because I routinely had a “nervous belly” and really didn’t do much to fix it.  So here I am in the middle of an exam and I have to “go”.  No…I mean GO.  Like right then.  Pronto.  Clear a path.  No turning back, it was coming.  And I remember the proctor not wanting to let me go but I think the sweat on my forehead told him something wasn’t right and he acquiesced.  This was one of those situations where I knew that I wasn’t going to use a bathroom in the building that was within 2 floors of where that test was being taken.  Is anyone hearing me right now?   I believe on that day I cleared out all vegetation within a 3 mile zone of the school.  I lost some of the information I studied that day in the bathroom.  It was tragic.  It was humbling.  And when I finally went to the doc, it was IBS.

What Is Our Gig?

Why do we feel it so necessary to overachieve on a level that is almost comical?  I talk to some of you and wonder how you have time to actually go to the bathroom never mind anything else.  There comes a time when we have to take a long hard look at ourselves and say, “What do you think you’re proving right now because nobody notices what you’re doing but you.  Either I get over the martyr routine or I need to demand recognition.  But enough is enough.”  Most of us have been this way since birth but at some point, this took a wrong turn and started to become caustic.  We are adrenaline junkies.  We live on the high of psychoticness but guess what?  Your body can’t keep up and it’s starting to show.

Sorry, I Have To Say It

If you have ever said to someone in defense of your insanity, “if I don’t do it, it’ll never get done” or “I’m the only one who knows how to…” or “no one else will help me, can help me, is competent…etc”  I have 3 words for you:  Get. Over. Yourself.  I am not saying this to be rude—I am saying it to save you.  It is the best thing anybody ever said to me because I was the QUEEN of Savioritis.  If you think that the world will stop revolving if you step off it, you are sadly mistaken.  You are not your family’s savior.  You are not your work’s savior.  You have not been commissioned by the US Govt to make sure all of America is getting along just fine.  Trust me, the world will keep on keepin’ on without you solving the Cuban Missle Crisis.  Please stop auditioning for work on the Bodie Plantation and start living life.  Your family and your colon will thank you.

Shaken, Not Stirred

Coming home every night to chaos and mayhem only to “unwind” by having a glass of wine is like going to Chuck E Cheese to have an intimate dinner with your man.  Alcohol is a stimulant and is about as effective at relaxing you as a colonic performed with a garden hose.  Yes, you have an initial giddy phase where you feel loose and happy (accidentally start snapping photos and over sharing on FB—we know, we know) but then it wears off after you face plant into your bed at night and then spend at least an hour or two staring at the ceiling.  This does nothing for your stress levels except to raise them even higher.  There has to be something better like reading, meditating or deep sea diving.

I’m Continually Amazed

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, “How do you know what I am thinking?  It’s like you’re in my head.”  Do you want to know how?  Because I was you but on crack!  Whatever you do now, I did on a level that defied logic and gravity.  I had ISSUES.  No…I-S-S-U-E-S.  My husband can look at me at times and just shake his head.  It’s a shame.  I say all that so I can emphasize this one point:  slowwwww dowwwwwwn.  Please.  You will miss your children’s lives, your husband’s life, your own life and your colon if not.  Ninety nine percent of all our gastric trouble is self induced by our hectic lifestyle—I just totally pulled that out of my arse but if it scares you even just a little bit to slow down, I’ll stand by it.   I no longer suffer from IBS, constipation and so on (although I can occasionally levitate in my office, just sayin’) and it is because the pace of my life changed, not the quality of my food.

We need to talk supplements and thyroid.  More to come!!  Woop woop!

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