We are in the middle of the gastrointestinal nightmare series defined by bloated bellies and leaky butts (yeah I said that…what are you gonna do about it?) so I feel obligated to ask the one question I always feel is necessary:  Is it worth it?  Seriously.  Is all the worry, stress, hustle and bustle worth it in your life when it is all said and done?

Back in the day, and I mean back in the day, I was at UMass Boston taking an exam to get my ACSM personal trainer certification.  I think at the time I was also a stay at home mom, group fitness instructor, NASA astronaut, part time pastry chef, Red Cross volunteer and candy striper.  Honestly, there wasn’t much I wasn’t doing during this time.  I had supernatural powers and supernatural energy.  But I was missing some major medical signs that all wasn’t well in Dodge (I really had a knack for this—what a clown I was) because I routinely had a “nervous belly” and really didn’t do much to fix it.  So here I am in the middle of an exam and I have to “go”.  No…I mean GO.  Like right then.  Pronto.  Clear a path.  No turning back, it was coming.  And I remember the proctor not wanting to let me go but I think the sweat on my forehead told him something wasn’t right and he acquiesced.  This was one of those situations where I knew that I wasn’t going to use a bathroom in the building that was within 2 floors of where that test was being taken.  Is anyone hearing me right now?   I believe on that day I cleared out all vegetation within a 3 mile zone of the school.  I lost some of the information I studied that day in the bathroom.  It was tragic.  It was humbling.  And when I finally went to the doc, it was IBS.

What Is Our Gig?

Why do we feel it so necessary to overachieve on a level that is almost comical?  I talk to some of you and wonder how you have time to actually go to the bathroom never mind anything else.  There comes a time when we have to take a long hard look at ourselves and say, “What do you think you’re proving right now because nobody notices what you’re doing but you.  Either I get over the martyr routine or I need to demand recognition.  But enough is enough.”  Most of us have been this way since birth but at some point, this took a wrong turn and started to become caustic.  We are adrenaline junkies.  We live on the high of psychoticness but guess what?  Your body can’t keep up and it’s starting to show.

Sorry, I Have To Say It

If you have ever said to someone in defense of your insanity, “if I don’t do it, it’ll never get done” or “I’m the only one who knows how to…” or “no one else will help me, can help me, is competent…etc”  I have 3 words for you:  Get. Over. Yourself.  I am not saying this to be rude—I am saying it to save you.  It is the best thing anybody ever said to me because I was the QUEEN of Savioritis.  If you think that the world will stop revolving if you step off it, you are sadly mistaken.  You are not your family’s savior.  You are not your work’s savior.  You have not been commissioned by the US Govt to make sure all of America is getting along just fine.  Trust me, the world will keep on keepin’ on without you solving the Cuban Missle Crisis.  Please stop auditioning for work on the Bodie Plantation and start living life.  Your family and your colon will thank you.

Shaken, Not Stirred

Coming home every night to chaos and mayhem only to “unwind” by having a glass of wine is like going to Chuck E Cheese to have an intimate dinner with your man.  Alcohol is a stimulant and is about as effective at relaxing you as a colonic performed with a garden hose.  Yes, you have an initial giddy phase where you feel loose and happy (accidentally start snapping photos and over sharing on FB—we know, we know) but then it wears off after you face plant into your bed at night and then spend at least an hour or two staring at the ceiling.  This does nothing for your stress levels except to raise them even higher.  There has to be something better like reading, meditating or deep sea diving.

I’m Continually Amazed

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, “How do you know what I am thinking?  It’s like you’re in my head.”  Do you want to know how?  Because I was you but on crack!  Whatever you do now, I did on a level that defied logic and gravity.  I had ISSUES.  No…I-S-S-U-E-S.  My husband can look at me at times and just shake his head.  It’s a shame.  I say all that so I can emphasize this one point:  slowwwww dowwwwwwn.  Please.  You will miss your children’s lives, your husband’s life, your own life and your colon if not.  Ninety nine percent of all our gastric trouble is self induced by our hectic lifestyle—I just totally pulled that out of my arse but if it scares you even just a little bit to slow down, I’ll stand by it.   I no longer suffer from IBS, constipation and so on (although I can occasionally levitate in my office, just sayin’) and it is because the pace of my life changed, not the quality of my food.

We need to talk supplements and thyroid.  More to come!!  Woop woop!

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I know—no, really…I know!—that I can be a nag about certain things.  I’d be amazed if you did not know that I was a psycho about good fat in your diet or variety in your meal plan.  In fact, I’d think there was something wrong with you if you didn’t know that about me.  But there really are reasons for the broken record lectures that come out of my lap top every week.  This series would rank up there as one in the top 3 reasons I am the psycho I am about the way you diet.  Not just that you diet, but exactly how you do it.  Most folks focus on just your body, others focus on your body and your general health; I would say I focus on your acute symptoms first, general health second, emotional stability third and body fourth because I have seen the damage first hand when the (outside of the) body is the top priority.

Variety is my bat and your menu is my ball and I literally beat the living tar out of it every week.  Occasionally I’ll get a homerun, but for the most part I’m just swinging at it hoping for a line drive (for you to change anything).  Eating the same thing every day, day in and day out is boring, restrictive and will make you manic.  But more importantly, it sets you up for food allergies and intolerances that once they set in, you have most of them for a long time or for life for some others.  Nothing is worse than having a favorite food that you can no longer eat because you ate too much of it and now it either makes you sick or makes you sick when you eat something else with it.  Ok, well I lied.  There is something worse.  And that would be developing an autoimmune disease or condition because of the foods that you are eating such as Crohn’s disease, diverticulitis, gastritis, IBS or Ulcers.

Each one of these conditions have no real known cause as to why you have them but all of them can be triggered by food allergies/sensitivities.  Crohn’s typically runs in families but just because your parents have it does not mean you will.  What really needs to happen is that you provide it with the right environment to thrive and then it will kick in when it’s ready.   Ulcers are very much like that, as well.  They are caused by H. Pylori bacteria that flourish in our stomachs but not everyone who has H. Pylori has ulcers.  This means that we needed to get our bodies in such a rut/mess that we cultivated that condition.  I would hate to know I brought something as painful as ulcers into fruition because I insisted on eating XYZ every day.   We would like to think that because we are eating so “healthy” that we no longer have to worry about these things.  Only people who eat crap get these things.  Wrong!  Oh so wrong!

One of the requirements to work with us is to fill out a health history questionnaire.  In that questionnaire we ask if you have any medical conditions that we need to know about.  Time and time again, form after form you will see someone list a gastrointestinal condition as something they are struggling with.  Shoot down to the section on food and they will say, “Every day I have…”  and proceed to give me their food diary.  Is this their fault?  No.  No one talks about variety the way they should and most of us are happy we eat something never mind trying to mix it up.  But now that you do know, you are responsible for your health and you need to get to mixing it up!

Here are some things that you need to know when it comes to these five conditions:

Do not stack slow metabolizers

I talk about this as ‘caustic combos’.  These are foods that are not bad but should not be eaten close to each other.  Salmon, steak, sword fish, beans and pasta come to mind when I think of these.  They are foods that typically take a long time to move through the colon.  Therefore, eating them on the same day or having them day after day is not a good idea.  Slow motility (the amount of time food spends in your colon) is a major factor in diverticulitis and IBS.  The longer food sits in your colon, the more damage it can do.  And yes, we eat a lot of fiber but that means nothing.  Constipation is out of control among clean eaters (hence this series).

Binge on more than just chocolate

Chocolate is mucus forming and can really do a number on the colon.  Mucus is a primary symptom of IBS which basically says that there is major inflammation somewhere.  Say you work out and do not replenish your water adequately.  Then you come home a little later and have a salmon salad for lunch.  Now you’ve jammed up the highway during a drought season.  Then you lose your tree that night on some chocolate (I know…you’d never do that).  Now you have a chief aggravator waiting its turn for exit in your colon while sitting behind pink stucco.  Great.

Easy on the offenders

Dairy, wheat/gluten, egg whites, nuts, soy, popcorn, chemicals in food, caffeine (yoohoo diet coke lovers), chicken and fructose/sweeteners of any kind are known allergens.  Eating them in large quantities is just asking for trouble.  Back in the day, Walden farms marinades were all the rage.  Then people started cropping up with all kinds of health issues—not because there was something wrong with the marinades, but because they were going through a bottle a week.  It was crazy.  I am sure Walden Farms did not want people eating their product on that level.  But that’s what we do, we KILL foods we love.  KILL them dead!  We eat them until their pouring out of our skin.  So much of what we go through is incredibly preventive.

Listen, if you made it this far….wow.  There is more.  We need to talk symptoms of the above, supplements for everything and thyroid stuff.   This goes much deeper than you think.  Woop woop!

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