Waking up every morning to a flat stomach is a great feeling.  Not just because we all want a flat belly, but because it typically means we feel good, too.  But as the day wears on, many of us begin to bloat, become gassy or our stomachs start to complain with this occurring on a near daily basis.  Since our diets tend to be free of the usual suspects (processed food, cheese and excessive sweeteners) we are left to wonder what are we doing wrong and why do we need to burn a hole through our office chair when no one is around?

Aside from the normal issues associated with diarrhea, constipation and persistent gas, I wanted to take you into the land of naturopathic medicine and give you a few more things to think about other than the normal causes and remedies.

Diarrhea

What is it? Annoying and smelly.  Great combo right there; makes you just want to have it weekly.

Normal Causes: Incomplete digestion, food poisoning, artificial sweeteners

Notable Causes: Emotional stress—I see this a lot.  We must find ways to manage our stress better.  We tend to forget that running, plyos, cardio and lifting are also a form of stress to the body so we heap on more stress on top of good stress.  From here we just become one big leaky gut.  Chron’s or ulcerative colitis—Here is another common one that you would not necessarily think about but many of us suffer from it.  If you are having chronic diarrhea and have just said ‘what the heck about it’, get this checked out!  Vitamin Deficiency—specifically A, B and zinc.  I know we think we eat healthy so we don’t need to supplement, but that’s crap (pardon the pun).  We play hard and eat lite.  Stay on top of your vitamins.

Treatment: The easiest by far is the BRAT diet.  Go here before going to Immodium.  BRAT diet (bananas, rice, apples and toast) starts out with chicken broth first.  Just plain old chicken broth with lots of sodium in it.  Do that for about 2 meals, then add rice at the next meal.  If you can hold all that in, add a piece of dry toast with that soup next meal.  If all goes well, have a banana or an apple/sauce.  Lastly, add in plain chicken for stability and you should be good to go by then.  If it’s really severe, start with  rice water first:  1 cup rice boiled in 5 cups water for 45 min.  Have it throughout the day before venturing into the BRAT diet.

Constipation

What is it? A traffic jam that when released, causes the scale to drop as much as 3 pounds.

Normal Causes: Dehydration!

Notable causes: Not going when you have to—if you have to go, then go.  Don’t hold back for long periods of time because that can have major consequences.  Magnesium deficiency—now do you see why I am psycho about it?  This is just one of the benefits of Mg.  Depression—need I say more?  Very prevalent in the clean eating community.  Hypothyroidism—if you can’t kick start your system, you can’t really kick the colon into action either.  This is a good sign as to whether they have you dialed into the right dose of thyroid med.

Treatment: Start with a fiber product.  Use laxatives only as last resort.  Teas work really well.  But here are some things you may not have thought of:  Guacamole—with or without chips, enough of this stuff can make the meal you at on prom night fall out of you.  It’s called greasin’ the groove.  As a side note…do not have this or salmon or anything high fat the day before a long run.  That’ll be an inconvenient run if ever there was one.  Do NOT have fiber—if you have gone 5 or 6 days without going, fiber at this point is like stuffing cotton into your eardrum.  It doesn’t make sense.  Instead, try a stool softener.  It will work much better.

Gas

What is it? Embarrassing and revealing all at the same time.

Here’s the deal: All of us have gas all the time.  It’s normal.  But when it starts to smell like first days of the Boston Harbor Project at low tide, something is wrong.  If you have adequate variety in your diet, this should not be a huge issue.  But if you insist on eating only 2 veggies and they are broccoli and kale, you may have the ability to clear out a commuter train at 5pm.  Also, I find that because our meals are packed for the day and we tend to either eat them cold or eat them rapidly, that our digestion is typically poor.  Slow down, heat up your food and take time to eat it.  You could be saving yourself some money in the long run with all the candles you won’t have to buy.

Treatment: Digestive enzymes, glutamine and probiotics.  Most of us run out and get the probiotics and we forget about the enzymes.  More on those later.

We have more to delve into over the next few days.  Bloating is caused by much more than what’s here.  I am finding we have stomach issues and liver problems, as well.  More than anything I really want you to reduce your stress.  That includes working out too much.  Ya hear me?  Woop woop!

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I go to the gym Monday through Friday right after I drop my kids off at school.  (For those of you who are wondering, I finally started coming to a stop for my kids to get out of the car.  No more pushing them out as I drive by.   It’s been working well for us.  Thanks for your concern.;)  It’s a basic gym, nothing extraordinary about it and I go at that odd time of the morning where it’s the end of the early morning rush but before the mommy time starts so it’s never crowded.  Every day that I am at the gym there is a woman on the Arc Trainer—her special Arc Trainer—covered in about 2 gallons of sweat and I used to always think, ‘Work it girl!’ when I saw her doing cardio.  Then one day I got on next to her and she was covered in sweat while the display of her machine said 7 minutes.  I immediately thought, “Holy crap.  What setting could you possibly have that on if you are that sweaty after 7 minutes?!  I need to get a hook up from sister-girl on how to juice the Arc Trainer for everything it has.”  Then I got on again about a week or two later when her display read about 50 min or so (I know I wrote about this before on some post but I can’t find it right now) and while I was doing my cardio it looped at 60 min and started counting from 1 again.  What the…?  What is THAT about?  Who in this day and age has that much time to do that much cardio all week long?  Holy ticking time, Batman!

So today I just happen to be there before she was and she came in and put her stuff on the machine before going to the lockers to put her stuff away.  What she used to “hold her spot” was 7 pieces of gum neatly lined up on the machine—meanwhile she was chewing away on some already before setting up shop.  Holy intestinal fortitude!  I got the runs just knowing she was going to chew all that in that short of time.  Well short time for 7 pieces of gum, long time for useless cardio.  Thankfully I was done 5 minutes after she came back so I had enough time to stock up on Cank-Aid and warm salty water.  This brings me to some more of the basics…

I am going to start running, I need to lose some weight.

Good luck with that.  Using running to lose weight is like using a spoon to empty bathwater out of your tub; you will eventually get it done.  If you insist on running as a form of weight loss, do it the right way by incorporating speed drills and sprints into your runs and you’ll really achieve what you’re hoping for.

Can I do the weight lifting class at my gym instead of lifting?  It’s so boring and I hate it.

You mean the class that does more reps in one hour than I would ever do in one week?  I would say no simply because you cannot lift heavy enough.  And I can’t say this enough:  group fitness has its place in life but not as a primary if your desire is to look good naked.

What do you think about…{insert diet concept/book/workout technique/DVD/latest fad here}?

Who cares?  You know you don’t.  I could tell you that it causes a new arm to grow out of your neck and if you are hell bent on it enough, you’ll bring an extra sleeve for your shirt just in case.  Seriously.  And honestly, if it is going to energize you, challenge you, inspire you and so on and it is safe, I say go for it.  I hope that most of us have been around long enough to know that change matters more than the actual diet or workout itself.  Not to mention, are you new to dieting or not?  If you are new, you’ll lose weight running to the shower in the morning.  If you’re a veteran, you could scale Mount Kilimanjaro eating only a bean and a half of pear and maybe, just maybe, you’ll lose a half pound by the end of the week.

I started doing bootcamp 5 days a week.  Is that ok?

Only if they mix it up.  If you are doing 5 days of jumping/plyometrics, that is not ok.  And if it is really a glorified run club, see #1.

It is cool to see people in their “stages of readiness”.   When we first start out we just want to lose some weight.  But then we lose a few pounds and realize we look the same as before, just smaller.  Then we go to a beach and put on a bathing suit and realize we’re so crinkly that we look like we wrapped ourselves in cellophane before we left the house.  That sets us on a mission to be smaller and tighter.  The rest is history but it’s wild to watch it go down in slow motion.  This wraps up all the questions asked to me in April.  May is proving to be a slow month which is nice because I need to regenerate in my hole office after all that.  Woop woop!

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This is part two of my crazy month of April where I was accosted by some insane folks with some insane questions.

I want you to know how this really happens because when you read these it can almost sound like I’m trying to say that I’m well known or something.  Umm…that is SO far from the case.  BUT, I am well known in my very small circle of influence (that’d be 8 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats and some bunnies in my yard) by what I presently do and what I used to do.  Now those folks never ask me any questions—they know better.  After I’ve told you something 5 times, I begin to put your business out there when you ask me something you know already.  This is a great deterrent for repetitive questions from family.  It looks like this:

Repeat offender: “Jodi?”

Me: “Yayesss?”  If you have ever had me say yes to you this way, you know what this sounds like.

RO: “Do I have to measure my food?”

Me: “Nope.”

RO: “Really?  You told me before that I should?”

Me: “I did?”  Knowing full well that I did and said with a massively incredulous tone.  “Well then why are you asking me again?”  Said with full sincerity.

RO: “Because I was hoping you would say no.  And you did, but I know you’re lying.”

Me: “I’m not lying.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  Like progress (pronounced proe-gress).  Why do what you need to do to progress?  What you’re doing so far is working great for you.  Just keep doing more of that.”  At this point they’re done with me because they realized they’re not going to get anywhere (both in their dieting and the conversation with me) but I swear to you I am neither mean nor snide.  Those days are behind me (kinda;).

So if it’s not all my family and friends asking me these questions and I’m as famous as a homeless guy (although the dude in Boston who walks along Mass Ave, Roxbury, and washes your windows is pretty well known), who is asking me these questions?  Their friends!  Holy suffering survey, Batman!  My family’s friends and my friends’ friends can keep me busy for a long time.  Since I’ve never met most of them before, I do not mind.  It is funny to watch someone who knows me run and hide, though, when they ask me a question they know is a no-no.  But they don’t realize that I just do that to them.  Sillies.

Here’s Part 2.

Do I have to measure my food?

Yes.  Think about it this way.  You’re on a side street doing a good clip.  Not sure how much but a bit on the fast side.  A cop standing on the side of the road for a detail pulls you over.  He didn’t clock you.  He saw you.  He’s been on the force for 25 years, though.  He “knows” speeding when he sees it.  He gives you a ticket and tells you to slow down.  Is he right?  Yes.  But the ticket he gives you is dependent on *exactly* how fast you were going.  He claims 43mph.  Your speedometer said 40.  Three extra mph adds $30 to the ticket in Ma.  When you contest this by going to the judge and say, “I can’t accept this. He didn’t measure this accurately. I should not be stuck with this fine.”  The judge is going to say, “You’re right.”  Think of this when you step on the scale.  You’re using an accurate measuring tool to measure an inaccurate way of dieting.  Must be frustrating to accept those extra 3 pounds.

When can I stop measuring my food?

First time dieting:  after 5 weeks.  Veteran:  after 3 weeks and you are on a roll.

Do I have to have a cheat meal?  I’ve been doing great without one.

Yes.  Because you haven’t gone anywhere yet that has your favorite food.  You’re locked up in a cell known as your house.  As soon as you leave the compound, though, and go to a real function with real food laid out in front you, I have ten dollars that says you’ll forsake utensils and you will defy gravity with some of the eating techniques you will use when you get around that PB/chocolate/ice cream/starchy food/dessert that you’ve been missing.  No snortling please.

Sometimes the things that I get are not actually questions, but declarations.  It’s as if they want me to say to them, “You are so amazing and so on track!  What you’re doing is fabulous.  You’ll be Heidi Klum in no time.”   However, it’s usually something that will send me into a two hour rant.  See below:

• “I don’t eat salt.” Who is scarred from the salt rant?  Don’t make me go here again.  I can only say “huge” so many times.

• “I don’t eat fruit.” Now that’s just sad.  Fruit is nature’s candy and definitely not the reason you haven’t reached goal.

• “I don’t eat starch.” This is a BIG mistake.  There are a ton of Atkins/South Beach sufferers from back in the day who can tell you how much this hurts you as you get older in life.  This is cool if you never ever gain any weight back.  BUT, if you gain even just 5 pounds back, you’re done for.

• “My trainer says…” Good.  Why are you talking to me about this?  Follow what they say and stop fact checking them.  This is some sick game people like to play pitting trainer against trainer like they’ve been hanging out with Michael Vick or something.  Knock it off and go with your trainer.  You’re paying them.

You know there’s more.  I had lock jaw by the end of the month.  Hang tight.  Woop woop!

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So you know that I have been to the doctor’s office this week, but what you may not know is that I have now been 4 times in less than a week for various other things.  I don’t know if you do this but I tend to group my appointments all at the same time.  So I have found myself sitting in the back area of the offices—not in a waiting room but not in an individual office either—getting a peek at other patients being oriented for their visits.  This includes watching other women getting “weighed in” for their visits.  This got me thinking…

We have various reactions to the number on the scale and depending on what’s going on in our lives it can change our reaction.  Here are some things that we do in response to the scale:

WEIGHING OURSELVES IN THE MORNING

If we get up in a good mood and we like how we feel, we’ll step on the scale.

At this point the scale is either going to agree with how we feel (i.e. give us a good number) and in that case we can get dressed and go to work with no hassle.  We may pick out something a bit on the body hugging side because—hey, the scale said we can.  So bright colors abound and difficult material like khaki on us somewhere, we’re living on the edge.  If the scale disagrees with what we were feeling (i.e. it’s mysteriously up 2 to 4 pounds without cause), we are now suddenly dressing for a funeral.  You can pretty much figure out when someone else has done this when they come into work wearing black pants, a black camisole covered by a black sweater and a pair of easy spirit type black shoes on.  Short of her singing an Amish hymn, you know something’s up.

If we get up in a bad mood and we hate how we feel, we’ll step on the scale.

Why do we do this?  To punish ourselves, of course.  So if the scale disagrees with us and is actually down a pound or two we have 1 of 2 reactions:  a) we’ll think that’s bull crap because we know we look like junk so now all of a sudden the scale is not an accurate litmus wheras the day before we were using it to validate life on Mars or b) we’ll accept it but find ourselves an hour later buying something we so don’t need to eat because we’re in a bad mood thinking to ourselves that ‘we have a pound to spare so who cares’.  No matter what, though, we hate how we feel so we cannot celebrate the number.  It’s lying.  But if the scale agrees with the way we are feeling and is up a pound or two, we are bringing the Wrath of Khan to work that day.  If we can unleash the Crackin’ we will.  If we could make it rain outside, we’d do whatever dance we could because now…heading into our closet, it’s not about funeral—it’s about frump!  If it is too big, baggy, ugly, plain, banned in modern civilization or found on the floor that morning—it’s going on.  Nothing can save this day other than winning the lottery or finding out something vindicating about someone else.  Other than that, the day is shot.

WEIGHING OURSELVES LATER IN THE DAY

This in and of itself is an anomaly so when it happens there’s always a reason:

• We are on a losing streak so essentially we want to brag to ourselves by seeing the number late in the day with our clothes on, after eating still be lower than whatever our litmus number was.
• We don’t want to know how much we really weigh so if we weigh ourselves during the day with our clothes on after eating all day, we know it is better than whatever that number was.
• We had a bad day and what better way to top it off than weigh ourselves midday so we can further dump on the day.
• We want to weigh ourselves in the morning and convince ourselves we lost X amount of pounds overnight because we didn’t eat something we passed on that day.

PUBLIC WEIGHING

Whether this is done in a doctor’s office or in the bathroom of your gym, the reaction is the thing we try to suppress:

ABSORPTION This is when there is no reaction to the number on the scale but there is slight delay in her movement.  Silently she just screamed and you were allowed to witness it.

MUTTERING She’s pissed but she can’t hide it although she’s not one to cut up in public.  So she just told that scale where to go in a not-so-aggressive sort of way.

SHOCK This is the girl who steps on and off the scale at least 4 times before coming back to the scale with a dumbbell of known weight to check the accuracy.  Trust me, after verification she’ll move on to MUTTERING or HATRED.

EXCITEMENT Much like shock but with less tension.  She’ll get on and off the scale more times than a cured ham at a deli counter just to make sure.  If she is really happy and totally self absorbed, she may have a friend hop on to verify who may be the opposite and head into SHOCK followed by MUTTERING.  That’s a good time to get out of the bathroom.

UNBELIEF Just like shock but is now followed by EXCITEMENT.  This may bring on HATRED (see below) if the girl in her naiveté says something dumb like, “And I’m not even trying.”  Or worse… “And after all that I ate this weekend.”  Run.  Get out fast.  Could be a brawl by the showers.

HATRED If this is in the doctor’s office, the patient will say she weighed herself that morning and tell the NP what it was in an abrupt tone.  This is a polite way of saying, “Bug off! You’re not messing up MY day.”  If this is in the gym, when the EXCITEMENT or UNBELIEF girl steps off the scale, this woman will come along and say that the scale reads low and she needs to add a few pounds to her reading to be accurate.  Nasty stuff right there.

What a nuisance that box is.  Have you done any of these?  I’ve done a few.  Let me know below!  More to come…  Woop woop!!

Normally I would use a story like this to lead into a series but since this is the week of randomness, this isn’t going to lead me into anything but drama.  And to tell you the truth, I would have it no other way.

I recently had a doctor’s appointment that was really a consultation for a procedure that I want done.  I am going to immediately dispel some rumors right now so I can move on with the story.  I did not go to find out about…

• Plastic surgery. With my luck, I’d be on the table and they would have lost what I wanted done so they would just wing it.  And then charge me extra, cuz that’s how it always happens with me.  Not only do they get my order wrong, but then they charge me for it to boot.
• Removing warts, skin tags or wisdom teeth. I’m too old for that stuff.  You do that in your late 20’s and early 30’s when it makes a difference.  Right now I’d be afraid they’d mistake something usable on my body for that and take it off while I still need it.  And then they’d charge me for it, too.  See #1.
• Liposuction or tucking anything anywhere. There is no need for that.  I am about 5 to 8 years away from my skin sagging enough that I can do it myself for free using duct tape.  I’d never pay for that.
• Any other miscellaneous, nefarious, random, exotic thing out there. Nothing exciting over here.  Boring.

But I went to the girlie doc for this consultation and it was supposed to be a simple discussion about the possible things that could happen if I go ahead with it.  The doctor himself was the nicest guy.   A little on the awkward side but you would be too if you were a girlie doc all day long.  I’ve had 3 kids and I have yet to meet a socially acceptable male girlie doc.  He had no problem explaining all the ins and outs of the procedure to me and didn’t try to sugar coat anything he told me.

Now for me to have this consultation, I was weighed (who remembers Ginny), blood pressure measured and heart listened to all for me to sit in this office and hear about the procedure.  Not to have it done; just to hear about it.  So I get this feeling that this guy is very thorough.  I have never met him before, I only need to know him to have this done so I have no idea what he’s like and he has no idea that I’m unhinged a bit dramatic at times.  All is going well until the end when he says, “Oh.  And for me to do this, I need to give you the Depo Provera shot for at least 6 months.”  He said it like he was saying something as nonchalant as how his day went that day to his wife.   First, for what I am having done, no I don’t need to have a Depo shot.  It is completely unnecessary and it’s like he’s throwing it in there because I’ll be on the table.  It would be like me telling someone to pick up something they dropped and while they were bent over I ‘might as well do a proctology exam since I have access’.  Really right now?  Second, he would have been better off telling me that he was going to make me clean all his instruments for the day…by hand…with no gloves…in a kitchen sink…than tell me that.  I almost Lost. My. Mind.

Let me lay down some foundational information for you so you can understand why my afro grew 2 feet in the office and the doctor now will never see the original version of Clash of the Titans again (the remake was awful).  If you are new to my blog, you may not know my history.  About 7 years ago I gained a little less than 55 pounds in four months due to some heinous shenanigans on my part through bad dieting but also from the bad hormone dosing on my doctor’s part and then went through heck trying to get it off.  Not all the way there, yet, either.  The chief culprit given to me back then?  Depo Provera.  And with every round that I went through, I gained an average of 15 pounds.  By the third round I was done.  I was also sufficiently obese.  And then I got pregnant–immeditately.  OY.

So here is Johnny Come Lately with his Depo shot comment and he follows it up with, “And you may gain a pound or two but you can take that off…”  He didn’t get to finish the sentence.  Both my butt cheeks held me down to the table while the inside of me took a page from the book of Jimmy Snuka Fly and leapt onto that man’s head like a cat on a mouse.  Who can just imagine this conversation that started with, “Just 2 pounds?!!!!” and ended with something along the lines of, “You have no idea who you are talking to…?” while tufts of hair are flying around the room like disrupted feathers.  And then I cried.  Needless to say, they’ll be no Depo.

Ok.  So my point of all of this?

1)      Do not take a hormone for any reason what-so-ever unless you know without a shadow of a doubt that it is necessary.  They make you feel powerless and you are not.  You can say no.  And please do.

2)      Understand that although they are doctors, they do not always have your best interest in mind.

3)      Drug companies have a big stake in what goes in your body whether you realize that or not.

4)      Docs get paid big bucks for that and the reason why he wanted me to take the hormone was so that he could be the one who did the procedure.  It’s all based on timing and without the Depo, there’s no guarantee.  Shame.

5)      Lastly, Knot Today hair elixir mixed with Curl Assurance Fix hair gel makes my hair smell yummy.  Thinking about that in the appt calmed me down.  Felt like letting you know that.

And so the random week goes…  Woop woop!! )

I am losing my mind today.  Actually, this started sometime over the weekend and it’s spilling into Monday.  I loathe when I am like this and it is not very often, but still.  Right now, I have ants in my pants and I need to dance.  Yes, I know. You’re saying, “What the heck are you talking about?”  Only, you know what I’m talking about.  We all go through it at some time.

I have no idea what I am doing with myself.  I don’t mean career-wise—although that’s debatable—and I don’t mean with my family either seeing as they traded me in for a newer and better model.  I mean with myself workout-wise.  I’m in that dreaded place and you’ll know what I’m talking about in a minute when I describe it.  But I saw this coming slowly (as in the The Matrix kind of speed) and could do nothing about it.  And now it’s here.

I have ZERO focus.

This is not the same as “having nothing”.  This is better than that but not as good as “I’ve got sumthin”.  I have no desire to do what I am doing for workouts but I do want to workout.  And I have no desire to start something that requires a commitment, because that’s not where my head space is, so I’m not looking for the “newest and greatest” thing out right now.  This purgatory is the same as that annoying state that we enter when we want to go out to dinner with someone and for an hour or two you play the, “no really, wherever you want to go” game.  UGH!

I woke up and felt a blanket of “blah” come over me like an ugly quilt on a patterned couch.  It was terrible.  And stuff like this stinks.  In some form or another it sticks with you all day like an old mildew smell.  All day today I’ve been off my rhythm.  It’s like I’m 15 minutes late for everything even though I’m not.  If I’m not smart about this and begin to get this in check, I could start pulling out old stuff like a Billy Blanks Tae Boe original VHS tape and try and drum up some hoopla in my living room.  There’s nothing like sweating to some bad 70’s porn music playing in the background while watching some chiseled abs do what I can’t right now.  I’m seriously getting desperate today.  I don’t want this to hang around too long.

I get up at 4:00am every morning and the thing I love the most is that it is dead quiet in the house.  Typically at this time my focus is razor sharp as long as I stay awake at my desk. This morning, however, I was like a super ball let loose in a bingo ball machine.  I was all over the place.  It was like workout ADD.  Please say I am not the only one who has ever gone through this:  you know, you have 2 kb’s, one bosu, a resistance band, 2 cones and zero focus.  What is that about?

This happens at the gym, too, but we can play this off a little better and look semi focused by passing away on a piece of useless cardio (not enough focus for the step mill) or setting up a bunch of equipment for at least 20 min.  Do one set of something and then spend another 20 min. dismantling all the equipment you just set up.  It works like a charm in terms of smoke and mirrors.  If you have never done this, I’d be in shock if you haven’t at least witnessed it once.  Next time you see it, think of me.   If you’re not sure if you’re where I’m at right now, here’s your checklist:

You are in a good place with workouts if:

• Gym opens at 5:00am and you’re there at 4:55 escorting the gym staff to the door and you brought them a coffee.
• Your outfit matches your towel.
• Your outfit matches your towel and your water bottle.
• You forgot your ipod and you don’t care.  (Insert sneakers, gym clothes, whatever)
• You forgot your workout and you remember it enough to still do it.
• You sign up to work out with either Kas or Heather.  Those two are sick.

You are in a bad place with workouts if:

• The alarm goes off and you stomp it down with a shoe.
• You use your printed program as a coaster for your coffee.
• You pack your gym bag in the closet with the seasonal stuff.
• You don’t go to the gym and not only do you not care, you begin to talk others out from going.
• You pull into the Coldstone next to the gym instead going to the gym.

You are in purgatory with me with your workouts if:

• You go to work out in your basement but instead of working out you end up going up and down the stairs at least 5 times because you have to…pee, change clothes, get water, get more water, you heard a noise…
• You go to the gym and forget your stuff in the car so you go back out.  Then you go in and realize you brought everything but your sneakers so you go back.  And then you left your workout on the front seat.  And…
• You start by doing timed sets…but didn’t finish because you remembered you wanted to superset some stuff instead…but now your short on time so a complex makes sense right now…but you just did that so…
• You want to work out outside but it’s too cold.  So you find a piece of cardio next to the window in the gym and just stare outside and pine…

I pray to be out of this by the end of the week.  Feel free to share in my misery.  New series coming soon.  Hang tight!  Woop woop!

Last week’s series was great because I had a ton of you asking me a ton of questions (which is always a good thing).  It’s good mainly because I love to answer questions…unless you’re one of my children…and I just got on the phone.  Let me focus.

The number one question asked was,  “Am I skinny fat?”  Or basically, what constitutes being skinny fat?  And the way it was asked was like I had some big book on the side of my desk about the size of an almanac that had all kinds of guidelines and questions in it like what’s in “other natural flavors” and “do bananas have seeds”.  It was quite interesting and quite telling.

First, you should know by now you can’t ask me a question like that because I’m just going to go into a ten minute over the top diatribe about fat levels and our perception of ourselves vs. gaining muscle and so on that in the end is tragic and hard to listen to.  I think in a polite way I am referring to myself as a blowhard.  Whatever.  If the shoe fits…

Second, what you’re really asking me is, “I know you can’t see me right now, cuz this is just through email an’all, but…is the small farm animal hanging off my backside…fat?  Or is it just displaced muscle?  Because I have been ignoring it for months and I was hoping you would alleviate my fears by telling me I’m ok.”  Honestly, you know I won’t get on board with any of that so stop asking me to call you fat.  Personally, I am not a fan of the term but seeing as ‘thin body wrapped in strategically placed insulation to keep the woman warm’ wasn’t a big hit, I’m going with skinny fat for now.

Third, it is just too hard to put into words what it is because as soon as you do that, the exception walks into the room.  (Who can guess how much I people watch and observe body types?)

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not “fat”, unattractive, useless and whatever other negative word you may want to put in there because you have extra body fat.  What you are, though, is unhealthy and that concerns me more.  Weight is an indicator that something is wrong in Dodge but when it is absent, what’s left is undetected illness.  Stay on top of your healthy habits.  Cool?

So I am not going to give you a hard and fast rule, but I will give you some ideas by telling you that skinny fat girls:

Put NASA on alert

One of the things about being SF (makes me feel better about the term) is that they are smooshy.  They look good in clothing but when they are not in clothing much more is revealed about their current eating habits.  In other words, if you can take a size 4 body and shove it into a size 2 pair of pants in such a way that when you take them off a sonic boom is released into the atmosphere from the expansion, you may be on your way to SF.  Now you would think that about *any* size girl, but not so!  With SF girls, they still *look* good in those size 2’s.

Are Off the Charts

Most of us have no idea what is an appropriate amount of body fat to have once we have entered into the clean eating zone.  We start out looking ok/good—basically, not bad per se—at about 22% body fat.  We fully invest ourselves into the eating and lifting regimen for a season or so and can get down to as low as 11-14% body fat.  We realize we need a break from killing ourselves and ease up to about 16 -17%, which is awesome but now we think we’re obese.  Really right now?!  So our idea of what’s an acceptable body fat level is not exactly what I would call a ‘good litmus’.  BUT, if you are a grown woman and fit into your doctor’s weight chart as an acceptable weight for your age (because let’s face it, those charts are biased toward prepubescent nymphs that live in a fairy land somewhere) and your body fat % is 24% or over, you may be skinny fat.  So if you’re 5’9”, weigh 125 pounds and are 25% body fat…you would be…really SF.

Are Like Cockroaches and Taxes

…they have just always “been”.  Almost all SF girls have been just that—SF—all their lives.  Yeah they may fluctuate a few pounds here and there (as much as 15 and then qualify for NASA) but for the most part, dey small gurls.  Small.  Real small.    And not much is changing that other than hardcore prayers from some haters and maybe a bad, bad, bad break up.  But other than that, that’s who they are.  So…if you dieted down to that small of size but also, that high of body fat level—that’s not SF.  That’s bad dieting.  You need to knock your coach upside his/her head and hope that your weight doesn’t bounce back up like a superball dropped from the roof of your house.

So there you have it.  If I met you and assessed you and you had any of these things, the only thing that I would think is:

• You need to clean up your diet.
• You need to lift heavy and smart.
• Cardio is not the answer.
• Watch out for alcohol, it’s not your friend.

That’s it.  Nothing more.  So no more asking me questions phrased in a way that I can hear the fear coming through the email.  You, like the rest of us, just have some bad habits that need attention but you are still worthy and gorgeous as far as we are concerned.  Cool?  Woop woop!!

Recently I read an article that debunked the statement that the world is getting dumber every year.  This has been going on for some time now because many people claim that our children are not as smart as generations before them since they can no longer do math by hand or type a straightforward letter.  Simply not true says the article and how they clear this myth up is by saying that the measuring rod is moved up every year to keep the kids looking dumb but in reality their IQ scores are actually 24 points higher than ours were back in the day.  (I, personally, find that hard to believe since rap has eroded into a hodge podge of non-sense otherwise known as Lil’ Wayne and TV has shows like the Kardashians and Jersey Shore dominate the air waves—but hey, what do I know?)  But something is up because I feel like I am caught in a time warp labeled Ground Hog Day and my days are filled with having the same conversation over and over again.  Can’t some things just go away?

I have spoken about Snopes.com and UrbanLegend.com and really love them for getting rid of internet hoax stuff but why can’t we have one for exercise and nutrition?  There would be some serious information removed from the web if this was enacted and it would probably put some magazines out of business. It would also create peace of mind for those of us who are in the business of making hot bodies so we could exit the Vortex of bad information and never ending myths.  I honestly feel like there is some high level conspiracy out there that keeps these myths-a-coming at a rate faster than the average trainer can quench.  (Hence the woman at the gym who still does side bends with weights.)

Seeing as this week is all about reality, it’s only appropriate to continue on from building into the most controversial topics of all, dieting.  We need to dispel some hype behind dieting so that on Monday, when you become the most focused woman to ever hit the planet, it lasts long enough to take you into Tuesday.  Cool?

WHAT IT IS

Dieting is a way of life that starts every Monday.  Somewhere between the ages of 0 and 4 we are taught that anything that tastes good needs to be severely restricted.  By 7 we are fully dieting even though we don’t even need to lose weight.  It is now taught as a part of science in the 7^th grade and shows up at times on the SATs as a “test” question (you know, the ones that don’t count):  “If Jane spends 2 hours on the TM per day, eats only lettuce and chicken for every meal except breakfast for which she has sawdust and pushes her car to work, how much weight will she lose by the end of the week?” Pick from one of the following:

• 1 pound

• 2 pounds

• 3 pounds

• None—she lost her mind on the 2^nd day and tore through her refrigerator like the Tazmanian Devil on crack.  Now she’s up 5.  Is it Monday yet?

TECHNICAL FACTS TO CHEW ON

Training:  Fast and furious.  No circuit training!!  Metabolic confusion all the way.

Food:  Some…but not much.  No matter how much you are told not to, you will over diet.

Supplements:  A few but nothing like building.  Fish oil is a must.

Rest:  As much as possible but since you’ll be ready to digest your innards, you’ll have a hard time sleeping.  Herbal tea comes in handy here.

THE FINE PRINT

All kidding aside (for maybe one paragraph, I can’t promise), there is nothing romantic about dieting.  Some of us begin the dreams of tricked out Coach coolers with designer chicken in them complete with matching Lulu Lemon pants and tops as if that combo has guaranteed a certain amount of weight loss.  And depending on where you are in your weight loss journey, nothing—not even dieting—can guarantee you some weight loss.  However, none of that is going to help you out when you find yourself in week 5 of dieting, down only a pound and fully frustrated that it seemed much easier the first time around.  Psst…it was easier.

First, whatever you did before to get lean is not going to work this time.  Wait, let me repeat that because I know you didn’t hear that and you’re going to shoot me an email that says, “I did such and such before so I’m going to do it again.  Could you tell me…”  and I’m going to be forced to jump through my computer screen and give you a noogie.  Whatever…you did…prior to today…to get lean…will not…that means won’t… “work”…the second time around.  I don’t care if you don’t use marinade on your meat or if you wear a weight vest during cardio; whatever you do the second time around better be better than the first.  Period.

Second, you will not lose like the first time around.  So as you gear up for next week as the week you’re about to put  the smack down on those 13 pounds you deposited this season, know that it will not come off like some kind of linear magic:  Week 1= 2 #, Week 2=2#, Week 3=1#  and so on.  Instead, it will look more like

(X² + Y² – Z_happiness)/significant other = I ^{meltdown at the mall}

and you will lose nothing for about 3 weeks and then suddenly drop 4 pounds in two days and so the madness continues.

Just like building, there are some things you need to consider when embarking on a 12 week diet to lean out:

• You will automatically forget how hard it was the first time and think it should come off easier and faster than it does.

• You have less patience.

• It’s not fun anymore so you are less willing to suffer for the cause.  You will cut corners, nibble, complain, nag, question and doubt from day 1.  This is the same for having babies.  When you get pregnant with number 2, you are in your doctor’s office trying to get an epidural at week 10 of your pregnancy talking about your back hurts already.  It’s a long haul.

• Give yourself an extra 14 days to get back in the groove.  You will be RUSTY on Monday.

• For the first month you will have at least 10 engagements to go to that involve open bar, buffet, dim sum and any other smorgasbord type of arrangement that’s going to remind you how long 12 weeks really is.

• You will lose in the mirror before you do on the scale!!!!!!!  Do not forget this or you will sabotage your progress!

• You will think you are fatter than you really are which will make you make bad dieting decisions.  This is the weight loss factor.  Multiply it by the number of pounds you have to lose and that’s how big you think you are.  WLF=3.  Have to lose 10.  Crap, I’m up 30.

Ok…you know the deal.  Tomorrow I put numbers to this and break it down because as funny as this is, it really is scary and this is where we lose our minds as sane, informed women.  You can diet successfully the second time around; it’s just not as easy as it sounds.  But the good news is it’s doable!  Armed with the right information, you can absolutely make this goal happen as opposed to going in blindsided and crashing and burning by week 4.  Cool?  See you tomorrow.  Woop woop!

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I’m sure some of you have figured out that I have some issues.  From the butter obsession (that I must say I do not indulge upon, just dream about) to my pen/journal  fixation, it is clear that I can come across a bit unhinged at times.  Let me assure you that I have been cured of those afflictions and now sit in a place where I can at least look back at them and giggle.  Another gift that I have been given is learning that is ‘less is more’.  This is one that I hope to instill in you, as well.  This is tough for us type A folks because we are so extreme in all that we do.  If we are going to be an underwater basket weaver, we are going to be THE BEST underwater basket weaver there is.  Knowing me I’d learn how to do it with every possible type of reed available to weave and I’d understudy with a reedologist and I would complete an accredited course on basket weaving and become a certified weaver and—you get the point.  This is a perfect illustration as to why it was so important for me to learn the principle of ‘less is more’ before I became a walking symbol for destruction.

In the case of building muscle when you are lean, less is definitely more.  Or as I like to say, “Just a dab’ll do ya!”.  Give up the dreams of waking up tomorrow with shoulder caps so round you could hang your coat on them.  Walk away from the idea that in 12 weeks you’ll develop your glutes to the point that you could pick up your kids and carry them to the car while your hands are full.  These things are fallacies and because you believe that you can achieve them, you allow your desires to talk your head right out of common sense; because common sense would tell you if it was that easy, everyone would have them.  But you aren’t thinking like that right now.  You have visions of iron clad butt cheeks with tennis ball like caps separated by a rigid 6 pack…it’s scary in your mind right now.  So let’s get you back to reality, girl.  You’re out of control.

Gaining muscle takes time.  There I said it.  It takes time, lots of consistency and due diligence.  And honestly, if you don’t have any of that right now, keep doing what you’re doing until you do have time to do it fully.  (Essentially, if I keep you from thinking about how long it takes and you just keep doing it, you’ll get there without realizing it.  Wait til I tell you tomorrow that developing a tight body takes time, too.  You’ll really flip your lid then.)  Because it takes forever and a day (did I say that?), do not set aside times to specifically gain muscle and lose body fat like they used to back in the day.  You are going down a long dark road doing it that way.  Instead, let’s look at an alternative way to give you the shoulders and glutes you so desire.

YOU’VE GOT MY ATTENTION, NOW WHAT?

Wow.  Fiesty today, are we?  Ok, let’s get specific.

What you need to effectively build is a surplus of calories, ample rest and full recovery from effective workouts.  Since we have come to the conclusion that we are not going to be Arnold by the end of 12 weeks, it is not necessary for us to eat like him either.  An easy way to create a surplus sans calories is to do much less than before.  This means the only activity you would do during this period of time is lift.  No cardio, Zumba, pilates, power yoga or any other activity that makes you sweat.  Nothing.  And you would also rest more than you did before so you will create an even larger surplus of calories.  If you tell me that you cannot rest more because your life is go, go, go kind of busy, I will give you that look that says, “Well then you must not want to build right now then do you?”  Please refer back to Saturday when I said there is no whining and yes you have to do all that I say.  If you can’t cut your schedule down and rest, you can’t build right now.  All of this is important because you are not going to eat too much more than what you are right now maintaining.  At best you may go up 200 cals, but not much more than that so you can see why you becoming part of your couch is necessary.   We do not feed you more, we move you less.  It works really well without all the extra poundage that is incurred through traditional stuffing programs.

WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?

For all age groups, a bit of paranoia is to be expected.   If you are used to doing cardio 5 days a week right now, going down to none may make you freak out a bit.  You may also be more anxious because you just lost your daily stress relief.  However, it is still a better alternative to the freak out you would have eating extra starches in a day with a steady weight gain on the scale.  That, my dear, is a harrowing experience.  And you can expect minimal weight gain.  Seriously, you should gain no more than 10 but 7 is optimal over the course of 12 weeks.

TWENTY SOMETHING:

You can expect…well…not much.  Your ability to build muscle at this age is like my ability to give you a straight answer without some kind of wisecrack—hard.  You are going to slog away at the weights like it’s your job and have very little to show for it.  Especially if you are curvy.  The curvier you are, the less muscle you will make.  Sorry.  Just accept it.  So why depress you with this?  To keep you from thinking you’re doing something wrong and thereby attempt every lifting program/ergogenic aid under the sun which will in turn screw up your body for your thirties.

THIRTY SOMETHING:

You can expect the world.  At this age, it is at your fingertips.  Hormonally you are ripe for the picking.  You make muscle easier, you have the beginnings of muscle maturity and you aren’t calling your girlfriend every five minutes anymore as to what she is wearing so there is this inner peace and patience about that helps you stay focused.  This is a great age.  Get in the gym now and never come out!

FORTY SOMETHING:

You can expect density.  You will not get “bigger” but what you have will be fuller.  This is the look we all really strive for.  You are past your prime of making muscle and now are on a hormonal decline.  I know that well known dr. type folk are coming out saying the contrary but they are talking about general public making some muscle.  I am talking about you, the lifting elite, making more muscle.  Very different.  It ain’t happening now without a major battle or you being genetically gifted out the wazoo.  But you are in the age of making nice, full shoulder caps without trying.  Not two oranges sitting atop your clavicles, but a subtle attractive fullness that comes from muscle maturity.  And boy do we have focus now at this age.  Not only are we not calling our girlfriends, we are lucky if we keep our phones on.  And rest is not an issue.  We’re in bed by 9.  Shame.

I will put numbers to all of this when I wrap this series up.  Next up, dieting.  What you can really expect and how long it takes to truly get that lean look.  I will end with a talk on skinny fat because it is a daunting place to be and someone needs to put that reality out there for some of you.  I will put the numbers in that post or the one right after it but I promise to give you something very concrete to walk away with.  If you are signed up on the blog, you are getting the numbers today.  That is an advantage of being signed up.  Hang tight, there’s more to come!  Woop woop!

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