Desperate

–having an urgent need, desire.  One of the worst feelings you can have when you are scale dependent is getting up one morning and the scale says something you are not mentally prepared for or seeing your life out of control with no way to slow it down.

The “I Am Carb Sensitive” Diet

What is a good example of this diet? Any no starch diet such as Paleo, South Beach, competition diet, sugar busters

Why do we think we do this? We are sensitive to carbs, we were never meant to eat starches, sugar makes us crazy

Why do we really do it? We have an event and we need to drop 5 pounds fast, we’re suddenly up 5 pounds and we need to get rid of it fast or we have not eaten starches for so long (because we are still doing the celebrity diet) that now when we do have them we blow up like a puffer fish in within 10 min. of eating them so we’re now in a battle.

There are so many jacked mindsets within this diet that I almost did not know where to start.  From panic attacks to pure unadulterated weight gain mythology, we can really get ourselves worked up over something as simple as oatmeal and swear that we do so much better without it.  Only, we do not really live without starch/sugar.  Instead, we start this really bittersweet love affair with sweet potatoes, oatmeal and any other grain that sounds impressive to pronounce (quinoa, spelt, etc.) where we eat them once in a blue moon, shun them and then cry over them later on because we want to eat them but can’t.  Once that gets old, we decide to stop eating them for good and we can hang for a few weeks until we realize the scale is not magically moving just because we gave up starches (how dare it) so we start sneaking sugary type carbs all the while swearing that we cannot eat them.  Eventually we gain back what we initially lost just cutting out carbs and then we convince ourselves that we gained it back because we ate starch and not because the starch came in the form of cookies or ice cream.   Or better, yet, we really do lay off the starches because we really can’t take the way they make us feel but then we become a peanut butter pimp pushing it at every meal, occasion and event like a crackhead lost on a peanut farm.  It is crazy.  No matter what stage I catch you in on this diet, you are in full justification mode ready to go with every reason why you are the only one out there who really cannot eat starch and how bad it is for you and how such and such doesn’t eat them and they look great and… Hold on while I load up the next round of justification.

Here are some things that happen when doing this diet:

1) None of us really have a start date or an official goal of this diet.  We tend to waft in and out of it.  We wake up one Monday and just stop eating starches—again, because in our warped thinking the pounds should just fly off now—but we never *change* anything else about what we are doing.  We do not measure our portion sizes or increase our veggies now that we are missing those precious cals nor do we change our exercise regimen.  No…we sort of coast into this odd sort of hypnosis diet that causes us to start weighing ourselves frantically every day to see if something has changed—although nothing has really changed.

2) We are absolutely convinced it was starches that made us this way in the first place although almost all of us have had the fake sugar, fake salad dressing, protein powder laced with fake sugar, turkey bacon chemical phase that none of us really ever consider.  Nor do we realize that that could possibly have an impact on what we may be sensitive to diet wise because it is much easier for us to stop eating 100% whole grain oatmeal that has 5g of protein, 5g of fiber and fills us up like cement in a bucket than it is to figure out what is going on.  That takes time and there is no time.  “We *feel* fat.”

3) Honestly, when that feeling of “I need to drop 5 pounds” takes over, someone could tell us that our liver would fall out if we did not eat a starch and most of us would take the chance regardless.  NOTHING—and I mean NOTHING—can convince a woman to stop doing whatever folly she is doing when a) her pants suddenly do not fit, b) someone important made a snarky comment regarding her weight or c) she is going to a class reunion.  If any of these things are in place, there will be no starch eating til the drama passes!  This means that this diet, unlike all the others, cannot be stopped once it is started until we are finally convinced it will not work.  This is THE diet trump card of all trump cards.  If you pull this one out on me, I say “uncle” and move on my merry way.

The Extreme Makeover Diet

What is a good example of this diet? Changing the way you eat from top to bottom (becoming a vegan, starting a raw food diet, looking for locusts), changing the way you workout (trying triathlons, trying Crossfit, trying MMA), changing where you workout (you’re outside, you’re in the air, you’re in the ocean), hiring a nutritionist/trainer/physical therapist/yoga specialist.

Why do we think we do this? We do this to get our mojo back, get back into it, get focused, find ourselves, start anew and so on.

Why do we really do this? All hell just broke loose in our lives and instead of dealing with that, we need a worthy, expensive distraction that will force us to focus only to realize $2000 later that we just needed to face the pink elephant in the room.

You will not find ANYONE who knows this one better than me, for real.  This is also called the “ostrich in the sand” diet or the “if I don’t acknowledge it, it can’t happen” diet.  If you ever find yourself in a place where life sucks this bad that you feel the only way to cope is overhaul your entire workout regimen, call someone—heck, call me—and fess up as to what is going down on your end.  I have seen so many diet and exercise nightmares unfold because of this when a simple phone call or 3 hour lunch with someone could truly set you on the right track.

There is a ginormous pressure on us to have it all together.  We may be the “athletic one” or the “hot body” or “the good mom” or whatever label you may feel others know you as *because* of your fitness level and dedication which makes us feel as if we always have to be that one that holds it together.  But that is a lie from the pit of hell, girls, and all it does is hold us in our own self contained prison.  Yes, someone is watching you, but they are not hoping you continue to hold it all together; they are hoping you will be human and let your hair down in front of them.

Here is one way how this diet comes about:

You are going along fine for a bit, life seems to be ok.  Your body is where we want it to be and you have a rhythm.  Then, bammo!  Something happens that may seem small at first but it upsets your sense of “control” and you begin to try to maintain that control through eating, working out, juggling life and so on.  Soon disordered eating rears its ugly head and you are not full out bingeing and purging but instead you are going good for 3 days, out of control for 4.  You have now done the Paying Penance Diet, the Hypnosis Diet, the “I am carb sensitive” Diet at least 3 times and you *feel* as if you are out of options.  You see the train coming and you cannot get off the track to save your life so the ‘light bulb’ goes off and you think, “I know what I need.”  Insert whatever new thing there is but this is not small–not a diet change—this is a life change.

There are so many other reasons why this happens:  drama at home with significant other, sudden increase in weight, increased job stress, financial crisis, sick loved one and so on.  You are trying to “make that thing go away” through your diet and exercise and it is not going to work.  The only exercise you are going to accomplish with this diet is an exercise in futility.  I understand how this happens because the fear of whatever you are facing is great—totally get it—but when it is all said and done, that thing you are facing is still going to be there only now you are X amount of dollars in the hole, doing a new radical workout you really are not in to and eating foods that you hate.  Call someone please.

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We’ve had four posts in the Summer Time series and instead of reviewing them for you and dragging this out with a 1200 word post (which by the way I try so hard not to go on that long), I’m going to give you the goods like I promised in bullet form:

Perfection Vs Excellence

Your weight, your shape, your progress and so on are based on a COLLECTION of what you do in the week, NOT on a single workout or cardio session.  If you get into that mindset of thinking you gained or lost weight based on a meal/cheat or cardio session, you will go bonkers trying to lose weight.  You actually lose/gain weight over several days.  It can be over a few days or as much as 8 or 9 days but not over 1 meal or missed cardio session.

SUMMER GUIDELINES

• You can faithfully miss 1 cardio session/week and it will not do a thing to you short term.
• Trust me when I say this, ease up on your schedule.  It will begin to feel like a grind if you give up too many fun things to make sure you make the gym.  Schedule in one fun thing per week.
• If you relax on the workout, make sure that you are not relaxing too much on the food.  It’s either or—not both.  See alcohol for what I mean by this.

Tomfoolery Vs Jackassery

When it comes to alcohol, it is not what you mix it with that is the problem nor is it the kind you choose.  So please do not bother wasting your time getting vodka over gin because of the calories or light beer vs full flavor, etc.  The problem with alcohol IS the alcohol.  Your body cannot process it and it bogs your liver down.  Instead of burning fat, it’s trying to get the toxins out.  That’s wasted time.  I say this all the time, “You do not gain weight drinking alcohol, you just don’t lose.”  If you’re losing a ½ pound to a pound a week—there’s your plateau.

SUMMER GUIDELINES

• I do not recommend you drinking every week.  Choose your battles.  Alongside killing progress, alcohol also kills definition.  So if you have great ab lines right now and you want to drink every week, kiss them good bye.
• Still losing weight = no alcohol
• Still losing weight but patient about it = 1 drink night per month
• Want to maintain = 2 drink nights per month divvied out as 1 night every other week
• Want to gain a few pounds = after about 6-8 weeks of drinking every week, that’ll happen.
• ALCOHOL IS NOT A CHEAT MEAL.  EVER.  EVER EVER.  If you are going to drink, drink.  But don’t try to lighten up the day to do so b/c it doesn’t matter.
• If you go out to eat and want to drink, no starch with the meal, drink AFTER you eat.  You’ll be less likely to order something stupid like fried avocado.

Working Out Vs Burning Out

I wish I could tell you how long I have been doing this and I always hear, “I love to do XYZ.  I will never stop loving it.”  That’s crap.  That goes for food, workouts and all forms of cardio except running (they are a special breed).   All work and no play made Jack a dull boy but it made Jill one crabby chic!  Get out of the gym and do something different.  Unless you live in Arizona where it has been over 107 degrees for like 2 months straight—at that point, just keep keepin’ on.

SUMMER GUIDELINES

• Get in at least 2 lifts in per week.
• Go to full bodies and drop the splits if you know you’ll be missing a lot of days.  You will not mess up your progress!
• Don’t fear change.  You didn’t get that body in one workout, you won’t lose it in one either but with that being said, do not cut your current schedule by more than 50% overall.
• Boot camp is not cardio–it’s more like what I call ‘conditioning’.  Good for maintenance, not always for loss; but more importantly you shouldn’t be doing it 5 days per week.  Limit how many times per week you do plyos or high impact.
• Yoga, pilates and any mind body classes are good for maintenance, but not for progress.  So if you are where you want to be, put them in!  This goes for any other kind of class that may involve outdoors or change of pace.

Perspective Vs Introspective

I love being a woman and I love serving women.  Never a dull work week. Nuff said.

SUMMER GUIDELINES

• Realize that we all have at least one friend that we wish would accidently wake up one day with an extra 15 pounds on her, covered in acne with out of control facial hair.  It never happens, but we can fantasize.
• If someone is bragging hardcore, they are massively insecure.  Give her love instead of dirty looks—something’s up.
• Know you bring something of value to the group.  There is something about you that none of them have and they want it.  It’s the law of womanhood.  Recognize what it is and secretly smile about it.
• YOU CAN CHANGE THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE NIGHT!  If it becomes a catty, nasty night you can change it.  You do not have to chime in and if you are really good, you can make them feel bad for being that way without being all “holier-than-thou” about it.

If I missed something specific you wanted to know, ask me below.  Next series is on outdoor workouts.  Let’s put some legs to these guidelines!  Woop woop!

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Starting any new plan, especially when it is something you have never done before, is exciting.  Starting a new diet plan that promises transformation that you never imagined you could achieve is even more exciting because it holds such promise with it:  a new body, a new level of fitness or a new level of health.    When something like this comes along, adherence is hardly the issue.  Instead, keeping our heads wrapped on tight is normally the problem because we become obsessed psychos with a goal to accomplish therefore failure in the beginning stages is mild.  However, as time goes on, the lessons learned are deeper and harder to spot.  Track with me through this series as I build a case for failing forward from the ground up.

Weeks 1 thru 4

Man, food shopping never seemed like such fun.  Strangely, it’s okay that our dieter only has a few items to choose from because as of right now she still loves them all.  Bland food and limited choices are actually a joy right now because who wants to think about what to eat?  She’s too worried about how she’s going to fit in workouts, cardio, meal prep and still keep up with life.  By a few weeks in, though, she’s got a rhythm and she’s feeling good about life.  She barely survived the first cheat meal but now that she’s over the shock of cheese on her palette, she can get on with this dieting thing.

Good stuff: Organization.  Not sure where it comes from but we suddenly have our acts together here.

Bad stuff: Perfectionism.  This will not rear its ugly head until later.  Right now it’s in check but it was conceived during this time of dieting.

Failing Forward: The Cheat meal fiasco.  Typically we figure out what we can and cannot have as a cheat meal as soon as we find ourselves eating through one whole bag of mini Reese’s peanut butter cups by ourselves.  All of us start out thinking we’re only going to have “this” only to find out that we also want a little bit of “that” and some more of “this”…  It can get ugly.  We also find out fun things like foods that shoot through us faster than Hailey’s comet, 5 ways to bloat your belly bigger than a bull frog and the ever elusive diet secret of retaining water like a dry sponge dropped in a small lake.   But we learn this and that is a good thing.

Weeks 5 thru 8

The fun of this is not so much anymore.  Our dieter is tired.  Cardio has increased, choices are less and she’s getting pretty hungry.  A girlfriend of hers is always criticizing her for not being around like she used to be and work seems oppressive all of a sudden.   There are changes in the body but not enough for her.  She’s thinking, “I thought there would be more.  I thought by now I would look different.”   She’s packing all her meals, making all of her workouts and it’s still new enough that she’s putting up with all of these demands with a good attitude but it’s wearing thin.  What she didn’t plan on while dieting like this was the emotion that has come with the whole process.  Up one day, down another, how come everyone keeps asking annoying questions?  This needs to move along faster.

Good Stuff: Resolve.  Never really had it before but somehow we manage to gain some through this part of the diet.

Bad Stuff: Impatience.  Because we don’t see enough happening we start cutting things out on our own and not following every detail of the plan.

Failing Forward: We’re not as smart as we think we are.  By upping the ante on the plan sooner than we were supposed to, this put us in a position of burnout way earlier than we anticipated.  Even though we’re hyped, we’re ready for this to be over yesterday and we can’t help but feel like ‘just give me the body already’.  For the first time ever, though, we’re sticking with it through thick and thin and that is an accomplishment in and of itself.

Weeks 9 through Finish

Just got the plan update and our girl can eat a leaf, a berry and a bean and not necessarily all at the same time!  She’s hit ground zero.  She hates her food choices, she’s tired, she’s in perpetual motion and she can still pinch some stuff.  What’s up with that?  So although there have been many pluses about this process, she’s not sure they outweigh the negatives, yet.  Flash forward to the end of the diet phase and it’s vacation time.  All that dieting to look good in a place 3000 miles from where she lives, go figure!  But she did it and she’s proud of it.  She’s lost 18 pounds in 12 weeks, took off countless inches and feels like a million bucks.

Good Stuff: We made goal.  The first time around seems so easy that we convince others to do it, too.

Bad Stuff: Lack of knowledge.  Dieting to go on vacation is one of the biggest no-no’s ever and she’s about to find out why.  Our next post is all about this and where we really begin to see what failing forward means.

Failing Forward: Nothing right now.  But a storm is a brewin’ and it’s not cool.

There are four major phases to dieting:  the initial success, rebound, dieting after rebound and maintenance. We just went through the easy part, we head into the jungle tomorrow when we talk about the week of vacation.  Get your bathing suits out.  We’re goin’ in!  Woop woop!

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I am losing my mind today.  Actually, this started sometime over the weekend and it’s spilling into Monday.  I loathe when I am like this and it is not very often, but still.  Right now, I have ants in my pants and I need to dance.  Yes, I know. You’re saying, “What the heck are you talking about?”  Only, you know what I’m talking about.  We all go through it at some time.

I have no idea what I am doing with myself.  I don’t mean career-wise—although that’s debatable—and I don’t mean with my family either seeing as they traded me in for a newer and better model.  I mean with myself workout-wise.  I’m in that dreaded place and you’ll know what I’m talking about in a minute when I describe it.  But I saw this coming slowly (as in the The Matrix kind of speed) and could do nothing about it.  And now it’s here.

I have ZERO focus.

This is not the same as “having nothing”.  This is better than that but not as good as “I’ve got sumthin”.  I have no desire to do what I am doing for workouts but I do want to workout.  And I have no desire to start something that requires a commitment, because that’s not where my head space is, so I’m not looking for the “newest and greatest” thing out right now.  This purgatory is the same as that annoying state that we enter when we want to go out to dinner with someone and for an hour or two you play the, “no really, wherever you want to go” game.  UGH!

I woke up and felt a blanket of “blah” come over me like an ugly quilt on a patterned couch.  It was terrible.  And stuff like this stinks.  In some form or another it sticks with you all day like an old mildew smell.  All day today I’ve been off my rhythm.  It’s like I’m 15 minutes late for everything even though I’m not.  If I’m not smart about this and begin to get this in check, I could start pulling out old stuff like a Billy Blanks Tae Boe original VHS tape and try and drum up some hoopla in my living room.  There’s nothing like sweating to some bad 70’s porn music playing in the background while watching some chiseled abs do what I can’t right now.  I’m seriously getting desperate today.  I don’t want this to hang around too long.

I get up at 4:00am every morning and the thing I love the most is that it is dead quiet in the house.  Typically at this time my focus is razor sharp as long as I stay awake at my desk. This morning, however, I was like a super ball let loose in a bingo ball machine.  I was all over the place.  It was like workout ADD.  Please say I am not the only one who has ever gone through this:  you know, you have 2 kb’s, one bosu, a resistance band, 2 cones and zero focus.  What is that about?

This happens at the gym, too, but we can play this off a little better and look semi focused by passing away on a piece of useless cardio (not enough focus for the step mill) or setting up a bunch of equipment for at least 20 min.  Do one set of something and then spend another 20 min. dismantling all the equipment you just set up.  It works like a charm in terms of smoke and mirrors.  If you have never done this, I’d be in shock if you haven’t at least witnessed it once.  Next time you see it, think of me.   If you’re not sure if you’re where I’m at right now, here’s your checklist:

You are in a good place with workouts if:

• Gym opens at 5:00am and you’re there at 4:55 escorting the gym staff to the door and you brought them a coffee.
• Your outfit matches your towel.
• Your outfit matches your towel and your water bottle.
• You forgot your ipod and you don’t care.  (Insert sneakers, gym clothes, whatever)
• You forgot your workout and you remember it enough to still do it.
• You sign up to work out with either Kas or Heather.  Those two are sick.

You are in a bad place with workouts if:

• The alarm goes off and you stomp it down with a shoe.
• You use your printed program as a coaster for your coffee.
• You pack your gym bag in the closet with the seasonal stuff.
• You don’t go to the gym and not only do you not care, you begin to talk others out from going.
• You pull into the Coldstone next to the gym instead going to the gym.

You are in purgatory with me with your workouts if:

• You go to work out in your basement but instead of working out you end up going up and down the stairs at least 5 times because you have to…pee, change clothes, get water, get more water, you heard a noise…
• You go to the gym and forget your stuff in the car so you go back out.  Then you go in and realize you brought everything but your sneakers so you go back.  And then you left your workout on the front seat.  And…
• You start by doing timed sets…but didn’t finish because you remembered you wanted to superset some stuff instead…but now your short on time so a complex makes sense right now…but you just did that so…
• You want to work out outside but it’s too cold.  So you find a piece of cardio next to the window in the gym and just stare outside and pine…

I pray to be out of this by the end of the week.  Feel free to share in my misery.  New series coming soon.  Hang tight!  Woop woop!

Yes.  The device went dead.  Here’s the million dollar question:  What does it take to get it back?  Here is a list of things you can do to get your mojo back in no particular order:

Start all over again. I know what you’re thinking: “What is wrong with you, you pelican!  You know I’ve tried that at least 50 times and it hasn’t worked…clown.  Last time I’m reading your blog for any advice.  Sheesh.”  Thank you, I’ll take the beating.  Now shush and listen.  Starting all over again is not going back to what you know and resurrecting it, it’s about starting with something completely new.

• Do not try to eat 5 small meals with the same old chicken and broccoli.  That ain’t gonna cut it.  In fact, I would say start with 3 meals: breakfast, lunch and dinner and then have a snack here and there.
• Give up the thought of trying to eat like you did when you were on point.  Accept anything healthy.  Don’t worry if it is a carb, fruit, protein, Styrofoam—whatever.  Just eat.  If it’s unprocessed, it’s yours.
• Do NOT pick up a fad way of eating:  raw, vegan, paleo or etc. unless that’s what you truly believe in.  This needs to be mindless and easy with absolutely zero pressure.
• Do NOT put a weight loss goal on it or any other type of goal.  JUST HANG OUT FOR A WHILE.

Make 2/3 of your workouts be outside and bodyweight driven. There is something about being a kid again that gets us energized.  I’d ask you to skip to work if I thought you’d do it.  Get up, get out and have fun.

• Do NOT set up a workout to be a body part split unless lifting isn’t your issue.
• Do NOT get 2 feet near an elliptical.  In fact, burn the ones in your gym during prime time.  Although, DO get the people off of the machines first.  They didn’t do anything to you, you know.
• Don’t tell me that it’s winter and it’s cold and blah, blah, blah.  Get up, get out and have fun.
• Do NOT ride the bandwagon of the latest fitness craze.  That only perpetuates the burnout.  But DO do something completely different than what you were doing before that involves all of your bodyweight and agility:  snowshoeing, biking, skiing, hiking, trail running, CATZ and whatever else you can think of that is not lifting or stationary cardio.
• Make general goals like I need to move 4 times this week.  Avoid things like, “I need to lift 3 days and do HIIT 3X’s a week” for now.  They emotionally bog you down and immediately set you up for failure.

Go beneath the water line. You must want this for more than aesthetic reasons and realize that “proving” yourself hardcore is no longer the draw it used to be for your subconscious.  Go down into the deep recesses of your heart and soul and find out why you do this.  Make peace with your thighs.  Love your back fat.  Enjoy your cellulite.  I don’t care how you do it, but move beyond the mirror and start digging in that well spring known as your heart.  Discover other reasons as to why you exercise and eat right.  Now is the time to:

• Journal
• Meditate
• Discover
• Analyze

Now is NEVER the time to:

• Criticize
• Dump on yourself
• Bitch and moan
• Whine

You know this emotional exercise is for you if your immediate thought was, “I don’t have time for this.  I need to lose X amount of pounds.  This stuff is stupid and it’s for those who are too weak to get it done.”  Ding ding ding ding ding!!!!

Change your environment. If you are beaten down right now and trying to get your mojo back but everything that surrounds you binds you to your past, it’s time to move on.  Stop the magazine subscription, block some folks out of your feed on facebook, change gyms if you must and find new friends if need be but do something now.  Don’t let it drag you down even further before you finally cut the umbilical cord.  You are not leaving forever—just until you get healthy.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What bothers you about it?
• Did you ever do the same thing as what bothers you about it?  If so, why/how?
• How does it make you feel?  Why?  If it’s a super strong reaction, note that.
• Where is that coming from?
• What can you do about it?
• Does this feeling crop up every time you start a new program?

These are just a small sample of questions to ask yourself once you de-clutter your mind.  I have a million more but I’ll start you off here.  Last but not least…

Know your fuel source. Find the accelerant.  Remove all the charred material.  Build it again but this time make it fire proof.  Woop woop!

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 What's Your Fuel Source [15:18m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

I want you to envision us just sitting and chatting.  Excuse my afro; it’s a bit unruly today.  And I am still in my night clothes, I hope that’s not awkward for you.  But as we sit and talk, I want you to imagine that this conversation is taking place over several weeks, not in one sitting.  And I want you to imagine that you have told me a lot about you before this conversation is taking place.  The things that make you happy…things from your childhood…all good stuff that you remember shaping you into the woman you are today.  And then I want you to think about the some of the most prominent memories of your childhood that stick out to you instantaneously.  You don’t have to dig.  They’re just sitting there like a book on a table.  And most likely they are not positive.  Now, you’re ready to read.

Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire…

The other day I used the example of laundry as being the thing we were “all about” at the time and I used that on purpose because I wanted to make the point that it doesn’t matter what it is that we’re focusing on, it matters that we’re focused.   This is because if it wasn’t your dream that you took you down, then the fuel source that was giving it life finally burned out.  This flame could have been burning like a raging inferno since you were a kid or it could have had a fresh dose of kerosene poured on it later in life.  Regardless of when it started, it was there or you wouldn’t have been driven.  Denying you have a fuel source is futile, you have one—get over it.  The fact that you lost your mojo says that something went out.  Whether it was a tiny candle or a flame thrower is debatable, but the flame is out.  Gone.  Finito.  Zed.  Zilch.

I refer to us a lot as Type A, driven women.  I want to point out here that they are two separate things.  There are many Type A people out there who are not driven and there are many driven people who are not necessarily Type A, although, the latter is less common.  But being type A is not about a flame.  That’s personality.  Being driven, though, is about a flame and that’s what I want us to focus on.  There is something that is making you like a dog with a bone about whatever it is you want to do and if it burned out, it was not healthy.  Those that can burn for years on end without taking themselves or someone else down with them, either have a healthy fuel source or a lot of fuel to burn.  But how many of us are watching what’s going on in the world today and realizing that very few of us have a healthy fuel source?   We read of tragedy after tragedy of celebrities and every day folk self destructing because they burned themselves out.  Very few of us are pulling from a place of security when we set out to do whatever it is we want to do.

I have millions of conversations with women every week.  Seriously.  Millions.  Ok, maybe more like thousands, but that’s as low as I’m going.   I am a consummate introvert—which is hard to believe—but I am not in the least bit shy.  If you give me access to you, I will absolutely ‘go there’ and help you to find the identity of your mojo whether I am working with you or not.  Why do I tell you this?  Because what I am about to explain to you did not come from a book.  I didn’t read a good book on psychology and then come bring it to the blog.  I know what I know because I’ve been up in enough women’s butts for the past 8 years that I can now write about it.  And I only became interested in it and then convinced of it because of my own personal flame (which was a 5 alarm fire that needed 3 city fire departments to put it out—oy!) that blew out and it took all that I had to do to get it back.

There are two ways that we lose our mojo:  we kill the dream (that was yesterday) or we never really had it in the first place and we somehow discovered that in our quest for validation.  I am sure you are thinking, “You made me read all this so far to tell me that?”  Yes.  Sorry it’s not complicated.  It’s very simple.  Your drive has been fueled by something other than ‘your great discipline’.  How do I know that?  You can’t get it back.  When it comes down to it, you no longer believe in any of the reasons you had before to continue doing what you were doing.  Now, you may consciously believe, but deep down inside your inner self took a vacation to your goals.  This is why you can start a plan 35 different ways but finish it the same way:  as a fail.  You cannot muster up enough of anything to get your heart to match what your mind wants and it’s frustrating.   Self sabotage, extreme measures, rigidity, throwing in the towel, depression, jumping from plan to plan, starting a new plan every other week, vegan today—atkins tomorrow and endless excuses are symptoms of this phenomenon.   If you have ever heard yourself say, “It’s because of… that’s why I can’t… If I could just… then…”  Um…no.  You need a new mojo.  You can just [fill in the blank] all you want.  It still isn’t going to get you back to where you want to go.

Sit on this.  Think about it.  I have more…really.  And trust me when I say this, it is always something.  It’s never just because you suck or you just can’t get your act together.  And you do not need therapy.  You just need to know what it is.  Cool?  More tomorrow…woop woop!!

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My husband and I make 24 years this coming Saturday.  We have been married for almost 16 years, but we’ve been together for 24 years this Saturday.   Just to add a little to the story, we were married twice: first, by the justice of the peace in his aunt’s backyard June 23^rd, 1996 and then in a formal ceremony by our pastor at the time on March 9^th, 1997.  [Don’t ask, I’ll explain in another post at another time. Ha!]   Our second wedding was like a hometown reunion.  If you lived in our city, you were at the wedding.  It was ridiculous.  Right when the reception was in full motion and people were having a great time, the music stopped, the lights came on and everyone’s face said the same thing, “What the…??”  It was over.  Don’t know how we did it, but we totally messed up on the time of the DJ vs. the hall that we rented.  It was terrible.  We were all left wanting more.  And so it goes when you’re goal doesn’t fulfill the want you have in your gut.

There were only a handful of people here and it was awesome.  Cried through the whole thing, got the dress off the rack and delivered my Sunday newspapers that morning with him.  Those were the days.lol

There are three ways we are let down by a goal:  it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t “do it” or it isn’t what we thought it would be for us.  Out of the three, one is defeating, one is dangerous and one is depressing but all of them cause us to be aimlessly lost if not addressed properly.

When we commit to a goal, we do so not just with our minds, but we do so also with our hearts.  When I say that I am sure some of you think about integrity or finishing what we start because we believe in it and yadda, yadda, yadda.  Umm, no.  I mean the minute we commit to a goal we begin to dream about the outcome and our dreams come from the heart.  Not all of us dream in grandiose fashion so please don’t think that the dream has to be this out of control scenario of you winning American Idol or something.  The dream could be as simple as you thinking that the experience is going to be fun, or rewarding or there will be some sort of redeeming quality to it when it is all said and done.  Therefore, when the goal does not come to pass, the dream dies right there on the spot and it takes a piece of your heart with you.  This is defeating.  Or, if the dream does come to pass but it was not enough to fill that want in your heart, you want more and more and more.  This is dangerous.  Finally, if the dream does come to pass but it was not even close to what you thought it was going to be like and you leave there thinking, “What was that?” or “Why did I even want to do that?” then that is depressing.

I think the music cut out 10 min after this.  It was bad.lol  And if you hear that noise, it’s my hair piece whinnying.  I think the horse it came from wants it back. hahahaha!

How we handle each scenario depends on how deep that goal is buried in your heart and what’s the fuel source behind it.  If it is buried deep within, then it’s going to throw you off tremendously.  Getting back on track could take weeks, even months.  If it is not buried deep but the fuel source is a flame thrower (we’ll talk about this tomorrow), it will have the same effect:  devastating.  You may be asking yourself right now, “Did I have a dream?”  And you may be thinking, “I don’t remember dreaming about the outcome at all.  Not my thing.”  This line of thinking would be valid if you’re not an active day dreamer, but this does not mean that you didn’t have a dream.  Instead of trying to remember the dream, ask yourself the following questions and journal your answers:

BEFORE

• Did you have a sort of giddiness about the event that seemed almost childlike?  You may have been super motivated and organized to the nth degree.
• Did you talk about it all the time and couldn’t wait to put time to it?  Going to the gym was easy and cooking was a breeze?
• Did you tell people you were doing it for a cause?  Things like:  to prove I could do it or to “go to the next level”.
• Did you journal it or share it with others daily whether on a blog or a social network of some kind?
• Did you feel pressure to complete it?

AFTER

• Did you have a sense of emptiness after the event even if you won it or did your best ever?
• Did you even get to do the event?  If not, how did you feel?
• Did it not turn out how you wanted it to, if not, why?
• Do you feel shame, embarrassment, anger, resentment or bitterness towards the event in any capacity?

Let me tell you how this goes.  The first time you ever ask yourself these questions, you will stay strictly surface.  They will be one word answers and you most likely won’t see the need.  Or you can answer them and see the issue and because of that, now have the solution.  If either one of these things happen, get up, walk away from the table for a while and go do something mindless like watch reality TV or something.  Whatever you do, keep the mind free from real thought.  Do not be surprised if the answers start going deeper as time goes by.  When they do start coming, answer them to your best, most honest ability.  It may take you a few permutations but you will eventually get to the core.  We will put this together as to what this means soon enough.

If you do not remember a specific event that happened or you’re not exactly sure why you lost your mojo and it’s not here, hang on.  Tomorrow I talk to you about fuel sources and you’re really going to hate me then.  But I love you. J See you tomorrow.   Woop woop!!

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Emotion is a force that drives harder than a stampede of buffalo and is as secure as a tall glass of water sitting on the edge of a table…

I have wanted to do this series since the beginning of last year and have danced around the topic in a few posts since then but have never really “gone there” because this is so close to me.  Whenever I’m this close to a topic, it never really comes out the way I want because I struggle with getting the point out and making sense at the same time.  It’s like I have a conversation in my head and you’re supposed hop in at any time and figure that out. Ha!  Good luck with that.  With this series, though, I know what the hard part is going to be so why not tell you what that is beforehand so you may be prepared in case I begin to become confusing or go over your head in some way?  If you are going to successfully navigate through this series, there are 3 things you will need to recognize as you follow along all week:

There is an internal GPS device that drives us goal oriented folk, whether we acknowledge it or not.  Some of us are super aware of it and it almost seems obvious and silly to mention, sort of like, “Duh. I’m goal oriented.”  However, some of us never realize how much it is driving us until it suddenly stops working one day and then we’re left thinking, “What the heck was that?”  Everything about us operates around that GPS device.  How we treat others, how we treat ourselves, how we handle our jobs/career and even how we handle our relationships is all preprogrammed into that device that is hidden away in us somewhere way out of our view.

To be fair, the less psycho, goal oriented folk have it, too.  It’s not like they are doomed to a life of aimlessness because they are not taskmasters like us.  It’s more like they have compasses, though, or paper charts and trip-tiks than they have GPS devices.  Ours seem to be much more precise, much more focused which cause us to move with a force and speed in life that is undeniable.  This doesn’t mean that we are super successful or anything because that is not a prerequisite.  It means that if we’re hanging laundry somewhere, we’re hanging laundry somewhere.  It will be done efficiently, with fervor, purpose and zeal.  We may measure out the space or research the best place to hang our laundry.  We may hang more laundry at one time than the average woman would ever hang.  Or we work on several techniques to hang the laundry, visiting other laundromats to make sure we were doing a good job.    Then we move on to hanging laundry while folding at the same time, too.  Then we master folding.  Then we master hanging and folding in several different formats making sure that we stay current in both the hanging world and the folding world.  THEN we want people to know that we are the masters of the hanging world, the folding world *and* the hanging and folding world together.   Most importantly, we want to be recognized for it.  Make no mistake about that.  It’s not enough to do this or learn about it; someone somewhere needs to recognize it.

I use laundry as an example on purpose because the mode in which you burned yourself out has nothing to do with the fact that you burned yourself out.  You may be tempted to blow off this whole series as not pertaining to you if I used an athlete as an example and you don’t feel athletic at all.  Or if I used dieting as an example, you may think that that wasn’t what kept you from running that race so this is about someone other than you because you are the athlete.  I want to make sure I emphasize that it doesn’t matter what you were driven about or whether or not you accomplished your goal, what matters is that your drive is gone.  The GPS signal went dead and now you have no idea where you are going because you have no compass of your own, no paper map to fall back on and no drive to make it happen.

Recognition #1: It’s not about {XYZ}, it’s about my GPS device.  And the question is, “Why did it burn out?”

Once we have lost our way, the chaos and mayhem that follows can be overwhelming:  up and down eating, in and out of the gym, no type of normalcy in our eating or exercising, endless guilt, confusion, questioning our worth, countless attempts to get going again only to have them end in failure.  Each time we try to go back to where we left off but fail to make it happen, we sink deeper into a pit that may show up as anger, depression, resentment or passivity.  It’s either we’re mad at the world, beaten down by the world, sticking our middle finger up at the world or we walk away from the world.  No matter what, we cannot get back who we once were no matter how hard we try.

Recognition #2: No matter what I do, the woman who once was, is now gone and I have to own that.  However, that’s not a bad thing.

It is at this point that all of our stories begin to go in different directions.  Whether we choose to be introspective or stay more on the surface and become more task driven, the journey we take is ours and ours alone.  For me, I went so deep inside that I almost got stuck in my colon for a minute there and wasn’t sure I could get out again.  It has been awesome and hard all at the same time and I want the same thing for you.  But there is work to be done and it is more than just picking another event.  There is a bit of soul searching to do and some realizations that need to be made about ourselves if we are ever to get that drive back again to the degree that was there before AND in a healthier way.  Not everything I say is going to ring true for you, but some aspect of it will.  Take what is yours, leave all else on the screen.

Recognition #3: Ok, I get it.  This series is not “my answer” but the beginning to “my process”.  Getting my drive back is directly related to the amount of digging I am willing to do.

As always, ladies, I cannot wait to hear from you.  Email me, comment below or send a carrier pigeon to my house.  Who cares.  But let me know what you’re thinking…  Cool?  Woop woop!

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