How honest are you about your goals?
September 3rd, 2009
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by Jodi · Filed Under: Ponderings
I had a great discussion the other day with a client with whom I have a tremendous amount of respect. We got to yapping about women and their goals and we hit an impasse. We ended with us agreeing to disagree in a very respectful manner, but it got me thinking: how honest are you about your goals? And not just with other people, more importantly with yourself?
Let me give you what are discussion was about and then I’ll give you some quick background so you can see where I am coming from, and then I REALLY want you to weigh in on this matter.
My client, who I will refer to as Ethel (what? You don’t have a GF named Ethel? Sheesh!), believes that women set performance goals for the challenge. She trains many of them for endurance events and for her they are driven by the goal. When they come on to her team she warns them that they are going to gain weight while training for the event—not lose—and she says they are cool with that because it is all about the goal.
Now I have a thoroughly different opinion. Honestly, I have been dieting (men and) women for almost 12 years now. I have a pretty good idea of the human psyche and what women are really like but more importantly, I know what secretly burns within them. Everyone loves a challenge. Everyone loves a goal. Everyone loves a great cause. And everyone wants to look good. So to run a marathon for your Aunt Helen to raise money for the “X” Foundation is noble and it is rewarding and in the back of your mind…it is a great way to lose weight. I feel that no matter what sport a woman plays, participates in or heck, goes to watch (LOL) she is doing it to look good—OH yeah!…and it’s a great challenge.
Now here’s some background for you so you can understand where I am coming from: When Ethel (yes, that’s her name!lol) gets a client in, she is their coach. Her position is one of authority and expertise but it is not what I would call a confidential or confidant-type position. You could go all the way to marathon day with her and never share much about your personal life with her. Now does that happen? Probably not, but hear me out. My position is also one of authority and expertise, but it is COMPLETELY a position of confidentiality and trust. Women tell me things they would never ever repeat to another female lest they be judged harshly. If you have ever met me before you know I am not one to judge and I am not one to talk. There are items in my house that I may never find again because I won’t tell myself where they are! So because of this, I have soul bearing conversations with women that I don’t think they would even admit that they had a week later. All of those conversations center around the fact that at the end of the day, they better look good.
So here are some things that you may hear and I will give you their interpretation:
“I really enjoy the challenge.”
Or…I would never keep an exercise regimen going on my own to stay looking hot so I chose to do something really hard and tell everyone so I am forced to finish it. I better lose weight while doing it.
“My girlfriend asked me to do it with her and I said, sure!”
Or…I’ll be damned if that chick gets a head start on me for the summer. If she can do it, I can too!…Wench!
“I want to see if I can better my time.”
Or…I lost 3 pounds the first time and then gained back 7! I’m going in for a second time and see if I can’t get rid of it for good! As long as I blah blah, I’ll lose weight.
“I need a goal.”
Or…I’ll sit my lazy butt on this couch the whole winter if I don’t commit to something. I cannot gain weight this season!
“I’m doing this for my blah blah.”
Or…and if I can lose a few pounds while supporting Aunt Betty Anne, it’s a win-win for everybody!
“I really need to start and finish something big.”
…other than this bag of chips in front of me. I better lose at 10 pounds running this race!
“I just want to do it one time to say I did it.”
Or…I am not convinced that I could get hot without it so I am going to sign up for this asinine challenge. My boyfriend better appreciate what I’m about to go through….bastard! I better lose cuz I’m only doing this once!
So this is my reality. Girls will give their friends a lot of good ‘air time’ filled with meaningful platitudes and then they’ll become super intense on me, draw close to me and tell me that if I do not make them hot while they are doing XYZ, that it’s going down! EEK!
But this all stems from the fact that no one wants to admit to themselves—never mind some total stranger—that they are about to do a life changing event for aesthetic reasons. The desire and want is there, but why admit it when you can hide behind the noble cause. Now why does it matter you might ask? What’s the harm in hiding behind a goal? A lot.
First, it sets the tone of your training. So if you really were about your body and not your overall goal of doing well in the event, no matter how well you do in the event you will always be disappointed if you come out heavier than you went in. Second, you may begin to change your behavior or eating habits to facilitate an unrealistic physique goal thereby jeopardizing a solid performance goal. Lastly, you may begin to lose sight of rational thinking and have a one track mind that is not setting you on a good path of health and beauty. No matter what, a goal built on dishonesty is no goal to have.
So I want to know. How honest are you about your goals? Seriously. Are you participating in a sport for the sport or for the hidden benefits like a hot body? Have you ever thought this much about it? Would you do an event if it meant that you would gain weight or would you pass on it? LMK what you think! Am I off track? Talk to me!! Ethel wants to know too!
Great post! I WOULD not train for something if I were going to gain weight doing it. Not cool with that. My goals are to FEEL Fabulous so that I LOOK fabulous as well! I am sure that I tell people sometimes “I do it for my head” but if you read between the lines- my head isn’t feelin right if my body isn’t lookin right. Sounds shallow when I see it in writing but my goal is to look good so that I FEEL good- Also – if I were to train for a triathalon- it would be an AWESOME accomplishment but I BETTER look better after the training and the event! Just my 2 cents!
Would I do an event if it meant I had to gain weight? At this point? No. In the past, w/ your guiadance, I have purposefully gained wait to build, but I can honestly say it was the hardest thing for me and there was a physique driven goal behind it, to look better once I diet back down. Now at this point, where I am, I can pretty much say a big old No.
Am I participating in a sport for the hidden benefit of a hot body? Well yes, but I dont hide that fact. I am purposefully doing the physique round at tri-fit this fall just so I have that round to diet for.
However, performance at tri-fit is also a goal and I am forcing myself to eat and rest right now, eventhough I’d prefer to already be dieting.
In sum, I agree with your opinions women, sports and their goals, that the driving factor is typically to look good. However, I do believe there are a select few out there who are slightly more driven by the performace aspect. But they are not the norm.
Thanks for this thought provoking blog.
ps. please ignore the “gain wait” in the second line of my post. wish I could go back and fix that.
I love your blog
But I do disagree a bit and think that you may be a bit biased due to this sport. I have always been an athlete and NEVER cared about how I looked or if I gained a bit of weight during a sport before I did fitness. Obviously I was always in shape, but never in “fitnesss shape.” I raced bikes professionally, never cared about my body, ran a half marathon (even gained a couple of lbs at first with this one!), and road a bunch of charity bike rides all in honest goodness of the sport. Then after completing all those…I lost 20 lbs for a fitness show, and now have trouble not obsessing about my weight or body. So before fitness I really did compete and participate for the challenge, for feeling good and healthy, having fun etc. Now I still compete for all of those reasons, but am now VERY aware of how it will affect my physique as well. We may be few and far between but most of my biker girls do not have perfect physiques, and still love riding and competing. So I don’t believe its everybody that has these secret agendas. However it probably does apply to most, especially if you are surrounded by fitness/figure women. Love the questions you raise 
“I need a goal.”
Or…I’ll sit my lazy butt on this couch the whole winter if I don’t commit to something. I cannot gain weight this season!
Did you steal this quote from me!?
What I find interesting about your post is that there are other athletes, who are not being judged on their physique, that you believe also do it for the “hot bod” at the end. Interesting and comforting to know.
I haven’t figured out what my next physical challenge will be, but will say that it petrifies me not to have a “goal” (and by that I mean a date on the calendar). My goal this winter is to get “my lazy butt off of this couch” just because I WANT TO! I love being active and (most days) love the strong body that I have from being active. Isn’t that reason enough!? I’m hoping so!! :0)
Well, this is easy. I STOPPED competing, because I didn’t like the number on the scale, or that people told me I needed to get bigger. To me, it didn’t matter what by body fat was… because if I wasn’t cut/dieted down, I just looked fat (in my mind that is). No one knows that there’s muscle under there. This led to terrible dressing room moments. When a girl doesn’t want to shop anymore, there is a problem.
Growing up a bit and switching to a federation with less emphasis on big muscle is helping me big time. I’m training for fitness because it is fun. But you better believe I want to be smoking hot. Some people can, but I cannot live my whole life for 3 – 4 weekends a year when I’ll be on stage. I need to feel comfortable with myself, my body, and especially my blue jeans, every day of the year.
I am so with you, Jodi, and I have plenty of girlfriends who you just described in this post. I think Ethel’s view is naïve, or the minority at best.
I soooo have to chime in on this! I’m one of those “have to have a goal” girls but I really did figure because it was something I always wanted to do. I LOVED it & had so much fun. BUT you know the post-show aftermath that I had when I tried “greener pastures.” If I knew that I’d be battling this 20 pounds from stupid dieting, I’d have never done it. I WAS happy where I was & with what you helped me create long before I donned my hooker heels!
I dont focus on a goal anymore but rather focus on being healthy so I can be a good wife & mom (when that time comes.) I realized that it was good enough to just strive to be the best ME that I can be. Oh that sounds so cliche!
Good stuff!
Jodi – I agree with you. For the past couple of months, I’ve been trying different sports (yoga, running), trying to find the best method of reaching my “ideal” body. I do enjoy/thrive off the challenge of trying something new (next is boxing), where my physical “learning curve” is high, but in the end it is about the effects it has on my body.
Yes, I feel strong/fit during a weight lifting program, but it bothers me that my pants are tighter. I question whether I will ever realize my ideal body unless I become comfortable knowing that being “in shape” doesn’t necessarily mean being skinny.
Like Allison points out, I think it depends on the sport and the person. It’s hard to lump everyone into the “I want to look hot.” category. On the other hand, I think you’re right, Jodi that most women (and I suppose men) have a hidden agenda behind their goals and you raise the questions that will cause us to dig deeper and really think about the “WHY”.
….at the end of the day or end of the goal… you bet, I want to look HOT. At this stage of my life and after years of training, I am so over scale weight it’s not an issue for me. I do acknowledge, however, that it is a huge issue for the general population… sedentary or active.
GOALS GOALS GOALS! Without a goal, I’m toast or rather, I’m pizza! I focus better when I have something to look forward to: a competition, photoshoot or a reunion. I grew up being the ugly duckling in high school so I WANT TO BE HOTTTTT and sign me up for health too. I would participate in a sporting event that caused weight gain in my butt or just sexymuscle mass, otherwise I’ll be in the bleachers watching the sport (possibly washing down my pizza with a coke lol.kidding kidding) I would sign up for a sport if it kept me in tip top shape all the time. I am motivated by competition and I like being part of a team but at the end of day, it’s about LOOKS!
I feel that a lot of women can indeed be unrealistic about their goals by trying to be someone else rather than being their best self which leads to a lot of disappointment and leaves them feeling unfulfilled. The focus should be on the goal; if the goal is winning a soccer match then play to kick ass and win;however, if the goal is to make boys drool then get focused & be real!!!!
I feel both you and Ethel have good points. I definitely see the hidden “Hotness” agenda but also some women like my mom and good friend, let’s call her “Cat” do partake in sporting events because it’s the only way they feel they can stay in the game and it’s something that they understand, can control and requires repetitive movement without too much calculation. So, Jodi, I feel you have a slight edge cause mom and Cat both still ask me about toning up arms and tight abs so… they want to look hot too.
LOL!
I want to know why it has to be a hidden agenda? It’s not like we as women don’t understand that we’re expected to be in great shape and look as good as possible. But for some reason, it’s unattractive to want to be so. To be forthright about wanting to improve our appearance as much as possible is to be vain, self-centered, insecure, superficial, trying to attract other men, etc., all of which are unacceptable. So we have to conceal the desire to look our best and live up to the standard of beauty we live with under the guise of a noble goal, like health. But heaven help you if you don’t life up to that high standard. If someone puts on five lbs, believe it your mother and sister and bff are going to notice and say something, if not to you then behind your back. There are some things that you just can’t win. This is what we’ve figured out so as to get what we want without being judged. It’s a shame.
Angela: Thank you for your “2 cents”! It weighed in at about 10 cents! I loved it! I don’t think you sounded shallow, I think you are being honest with you and us! Thank you for that!
Amy: You will “take one for the team” if you think it will better your performance and I admire that about you. Love your focus.
Allison: 1) I owe you an email–it’s coming! 2) I am so happy to see you on my blog. I miss you. 3)I actually agree with you from your perspective b/c that was me before I competed. I was a jock–a girly jock–but a jock none-the-less. I will say, though, I have only had 4 years in the competition world of dieting but 8 years in the general public world of dieting. Trust me, they are not much different.;)
Jenn: Thank you for weighing in on this. You’d be surprised at the number of young female athletes starving themselves into fitness; jeapordizing their performance goals. Pressure to look a certain way runs deep in our culture.
Andrea: Girl, I can FEEL your passion on this subject and I hear you loud and clear! You are definitely one that I am ministering to. Thank you for your honesty!
AnnMarie: Thank you for sharing. I find that many times it’s more about you changing your eating patterns to match your new activities for you to be successful. Keep reading and see if “ordering it” from menu planning or the performance series I am about to do can help you in your quest.
Christine: It is a great debate isn’t it?
Kim: You do look hot! You, my love, are a true veteran of the cause. Keep up the good work and more importantly, keep up the great outlook you have! You are always in search of improving inside and out and that is refreshing.
Diarra: Did you say you were the ugly duckling in HS? Ummm…yeah. If you were ugly in HS, I was beastly in grammer school! You almost lost all credibility there you hot, sexy thing!;) But I hear you, girl! For those women I think they separate their sport from their physique and do not think of using it as a means to changing their bodies.
Seanna: I love how you are comfortable with how gorgeous you are. Not in a stuck up way. Just as a plain fact like the sky is blue. Thank you for adding a different perspective to even what i was saying. MUAH!
Heather H.: I’m not sure why your comment didn’t show up at first so I fished it out. Watching you grow from the sidelines has been a blessing. I am happy to have found your blog and I love to see your fitness journey come full circle. Sometimes situations are presented to us to make us better people and we do not realize that until after the smoke clears. Love you, chica!:o)
I went to sleep and woke up thinking about this blog post. And I have more to say!
As we get honest with ourselves about our goals, we should also really strive to embrace what we want, you know OWN it. No matter what it is. So what, you want to look amazing in and out of your clothes. And you want to feel good about looking hot! It’s not like you want to join a terrorist group or rob a bank! You want to look your very best and it should be OK to feel good about looking great. It is ok! You CAN feel good about wanting this. Concealing the real underlying desire to be hot contributes a lot to what makes it taboo. So take it back. Say it out loud (you know speaking something out loud takes away it’s emotional power over you). Your desires are YOURS, they are OK, and it’s freeing to be honest about what you want and how you feel.
Love the discussion here – just to add another angle – this reminds me of the debate in the recovery (from substance abuse) community about whether or not to remain anonymous. I love for people to know that I am a person in long term recovery mostly because I don’t want to slip up and start (ab)using again – so I figure there is greater accountability. If my journey is known to others (especially those who share the path) then there is one more potential resource to guard against fall backs. I am drawing a parallel with what’s being said about affirmation and expression of goals. For me, it speaks to a solid sense of self-love to be able to acknowledge beyond my own internal dialogue that I have something I am working toward, and that I want to use as many resources as I can to bring it to manifestation.
Great post Jodi. After having lost 50+ pounds and then “peaked” in the first week of June, I have since lost most of my hard-earned muscle and gained about 8 pounds (AKA gone soft). I went all (for 15 months) to nothing
I am at a fork in the road. When I first started training, I had different goals that motivated me: run a 5K, 10K, 1/2 Marathon, Duathlon and then finally “look great for my Vegas vacation”. Throughout my journey, I simply wanted to be fit from the inside out. I didn’t want to look “thin” I wanted to look strong.
Last month, I thought about entering a fitness competition as a goal to get me re-invigorated about weight training/clean eating. I chickened out because I am afraid of my body peaking again and then having to go back to reality after the competition
Last night, I thought to myself, “I really need to do something to get back on track again”. I don’t know what it’s going to take to motivate me again. Maybe pure vanity? Hopefully just the will to be fit like before will be enough. I just need to get there …
P.S. Not sure how I feel about gaining weight for a sport. I guess if I was on a lower end of my weight range?
I would not want to compete in NPC for the “have to gain weight” reason. I am pretty small to begin with, so in order to be competitive on a national level, i would need to have a gaining stage first. Not comfortable with that.
I love competing, and if I didn’t end up changing my body “for the better” from where I am now I would totally still do it. But if it meant I would have to pack on 10-20 pounds I would just be uncomfortable.
They told me at Ms Fitness that I need to put on a little size on my upper body, which is OK, but I wouldn’t want to put on much.
I also need a goal for the most part to be extra motivated. I am thinking October 10, FAP Midwest, who’s in? lol.
Did I even answer the question?
Jodi- I loove the post- and Seanna, I love your comments. But, are we ever happy?! Do we ever get to the point where we feel “hot” day in an day out. Let’s face it, society is the one who created this goal for us- society tells us that being thin is being healthy and beautiful. But, we know that this isn’t always the case.
I’ve got to say that I’ve matured a lot with my view about my own body and the purpose it serves; but, I am nowhere near being happy with where I am at; and am fearful of what my body is going to be as I age. SO, even when I think I look my best and feel HOT; I’m still afraid that it won’t last long. I think making goals like “I’m running the marathon for my sick Aunt Helen” is our way to give purpose to a superficial world/goal. The truth is that woman (including myself) do compete to be fit, lose weight, look hot, and feel great; BUT, I am left wondering if we are ever truly happy with ourselves. Does it only last for a day on the stage (b/c you know the week prior we are all bitchy and on edge)?
To sum it up, I think as long as we admit to ourselves that we are in it to look HOT, our journey to get there needs to be one of greater purpose (i.e. my dying aunt Helen, the energy you get after a great workout, the piece of mind you feel after a yoga class, the bonding experience from working out with a friend, the accomplishment you feel after doing something you thought your body was incapable of physically doing, and I could go on & on!)
So be REAL to yourself, but realize your goals are more complex than just wanting to look hot. The journey to get there makes us stronger woman and gives us purpose!
Lisa! Honestly…I just want to love all over you! Thank you for that insight! I love it!
Stacy! You are so funny! I think you answered it!LOL I think many feel the same as you.
Jess! I agree wholeheartedly that philanthropy motivates women to seek their original goal of hottness! With you all the way with this comment!:o)
Michelle! I don’t know why your post was filtered but I just found it! I hear you loud and clear girl. Did you really lose your hard earned muscle or did you just gain a few pounds? The day of show is what I refer to as “pumpkin” weight b/c at the stroke of midnight, you turn back into a pumpkin. You are better off finding your ideal weight and then using that as your launch pad for “event” weight. You will be able to handle the up and down better with that approach and you won’t worry about fluctuation at that point.:o)
Man, a great cause is noble and everything, but I just want to be HOT. I don’t care much about the weight gain, as long as my ass does not look like a bag of rocks, or wads of chewed gum. I’m down for great causes and everything, but in the end, if I’m going to work my arse off for something, I better look damn good after I’m done. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. A great goal just beyond your reach usually helps to stay focused.
I’m not totally selfish, though, I would like to help others get there too on my quest to figure it out. I have no problems passing it along. If you look good passing it along, the easier it is to get them to listen and believe you.
Hey Jodi… I actually just started reading your blog today… I LOVE it. In response to your goal question. I have two things to say about that.
1. I think you and Ethel are both right. I think there are women who are so out of touch with their personal aesthetic the only way they know how to address their physical selves is through performance oriented girls. Then theres the other group of women who are very much into how their physical activity or lack of physical activity will affect themselves. The performance component for these types of women can be as important as the aesthetic component or just a measly happy bi product of it.
2. One of the other ladies who commented on this post made a point about prevalent images and I wanted to add to that. I was noticing the other day how the media just CANT SEEM TO FUHREAKING GET IT RIGHT! Every image of beauty out there is either about idealizing a stick thin woman OR saying this very over weight woman, who represents the American norm, is beautiful and physically enviable even though when she sits down her belly fat nearly touches the bench she’s sitting on. (ie the Glamour Magazine thing). Yes. That young woman was beautiful, but from a healthy perspective I think a cross section of people from medical doctors to trainers to acupuncturists to even some moms would agree her physique is hardly ideal.
Moreover… I love what you had to say about goals. I think that I was really fuzzy about the goals of my physical activity. Like, I think to myself… by being physically active I am doing what I am supposed to do. I don’t think i got around to the fun part of hey… If I’m going to spend an hour or two being physically active what do I really want from it. Thanks for pointing out that lack of clarity! x
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