This is part two of my crazy month of April where I was accosted by some insane folks with some insane questions.
I want you to know how this really happens because when you read these it can almost sound like I’m trying to say that I’m well known or something. Umm…that is SO far from the case. BUT, I am well known in my very small circle of influence (that’d be 8 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats and some bunnies in my yard) by what I presently do and what I used to do. Now those folks never ask me any questions—they know better. After I’ve told you something 5 times, I begin to put your business out there when you ask me something you know already. This is a great deterrent for repetitive questions from family. It looks like this:
Repeat offender: “Jodi?”
Me: “Yayesss?” If you have ever had me say yes to you this way, you know what this sounds like.
RO: “Do I have to measure my food?”
RO: “Really? You told me before that I should?”
Me: “I did?” Knowing full well that I did and said with a massively incredulous tone. “Well then why are you asking me again?” Said with full sincerity.
RO: “Because I was hoping you would say no. And you did, but I know you’re lying.”
Me: “I’m not lying. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Like progress (pronounced proe-gress). Why do what you need to do to progress? What you’re doing so far is working great for you. Just keep doing more of that.” At this point they’re done with me because they realized they’re not going to get anywhere (both in their dieting and the conversation with me) but I swear to you I am neither mean nor snide. Those days are behind me (kinda;).
So if it’s not all my family and friends asking me these questions and I’m as famous as a homeless guy (although the dude in Boston who walks along Mass Ave, Roxbury, and washes your windows is pretty well known), who is asking me these questions? Their friends! Holy suffering survey, Batman! My family’s friends and my friends’ friends can keep me busy for a long time. Since I’ve never met most of them before, I do not mind. It is funny to watch someone who knows me run and hide, though, when they ask me a question they know is a no-no. But they don’t realize that I just do that to them. Sillies.
Here’s Part 2.
Do I have to measure my food?
Yes. Think about it this way. You’re on a side street doing a good clip. Not sure how much but a bit on the fast side. A cop standing on the side of the road for a detail pulls you over. He didn’t clock you. He saw you. He’s been on the force for 25 years, though. He “knows” speeding when he sees it. He gives you a ticket and tells you to slow down. Is he right? Yes. But the ticket he gives you is dependent on *exactly* how fast you were going. He claims 43mph. Your speedometer said 40. Three extra mph adds $30 to the ticket in Ma. When you contest this by going to the judge and say, “I can’t accept this. He didn’t measure this accurately. I should not be stuck with this fine.” The judge is going to say, “You’re right.” Think of this when you step on the scale. You’re using an accurate measuring tool to measure an inaccurate way of dieting. Must be frustrating to accept those extra 3 pounds.
When can I stop measuring my food?
First time dieting: after 5 weeks. Veteran: after 3 weeks and you are on a roll.
Do I have to have a cheat meal? I’ve been doing great without one.
Yes. Because you haven’t gone anywhere yet that has your favorite food. You’re locked up in a cell known as your house. As soon as you leave the compound, though, and go to a real function with real food laid out in front you, I have ten dollars that says you’ll forsake utensils and you will defy gravity with some of the eating techniques you will use when you get around that PB/chocolate/ice cream/starchy food/dessert that you’ve been missing. No snortling please.
Sometimes the things that I get are not actually questions, but declarations. It’s as if they want me to say to them, “You are so amazing and so on track! What you’re doing is fabulous. You’ll be Heidi Klum in no time.” However, it’s usually something that will send me into a two hour rant. See below:
- “I don’t eat salt.” Who is scarred from the salt rant? Don’t make me go here again. I can only say “huge” so many times.
- “I don’t eat fruit.” Now that’s just sad. Fruit is nature’s candy and definitely not the reason you haven’t reached goal.
- “I don’t eat starch.” This is a BIG mistake. There are a ton of Atkins/South Beach sufferers from back in the day who can tell you how much this hurts you as you get older in life. This is cool if you never ever gain any weight back. BUT, if you gain even just 5 pounds back, you’re done for.
- “My trainer says…” Good. Why are you talking to me about this? Follow what they say and stop fact checking them. This is some sick game people like to play pitting trainer against trainer like they’ve been hanging out with Michael Vick or something. Knock it off and go with your trainer. You’re paying them.
You know there’s more. I had lock jaw by the end of the month. Hang tight. Woop woop!