At times I allude to the fact that I can (physically) be all over the place in a week but not really give any idea of what that looks like. It is not unusual for me to go from a meeting in the morning with someone at Panera, to lunch at a great salad place with another person to an afternoon meeting at Starbucks with someone else just to round off the day. My entire week does not look like that as I spend a significant amount of time on the phone, but I can have a day or two to be like that once or twice a month for sure. As crazy as that sounds, it makes for great people watching and a few great stories peppered in between.

There is a really cozy café type store that I tend to frequent a lot because it has some really good soup. The only drawback of this place is that it is a little too cozy: the seating is very close. When I meet with someone, I have zero idea of what we’re going to talk about or how it’s going to go down and it does not matter if it is the first time I’m ever going to meet with them or the thirtieth. I do not dictate the conversation, whoever I am with does. Trust me when I say there are never any awkward moments and we never run out of things to talk about but I have learned in my old age that your everyday conversation reveals more about you than any “philosophy” that I may come with trying to sound educated. If I shut up, you reveal. It works well.

However, there are times when I may ask a question or poke a stick in something that it is a loaded bee hive and you burst forth like the Hoover Dam. It is never my intention but I don’t apologize for it happening either. Clearly we needed to go there and it always ends up being worth the tissues. With that being said, I never think about the people sitting around us and I never wonder if they are paying attention to us because normally, they are not. But on this particular day, there was a woman, we’ll call her Rosy, who was very much interested in the conversation I was having with a client.

“Excuse me.”
“Yes?” I said in a very warm and inviting manner (big mistake because she took me up on it).
“What do you do for a living?”

I sat there for a solid two minutes thinking…what *do* I do for a living? What in Heaven’s name would you call this? At this time I am sitting across from someone who is looking for an entire box of Kleenex, never mind just one, and I have a woman who looks like Blanche from the Golden Girls shaking me down for info. So I kind of did a soft shoe because I have no idea where she is going with this.

“I’m… an athletic coach and nutritionist… I guess. Although… I am not actively coaching right now and I do not do nutrition…in the traditional sense.” I need you to know that that sentence came out of my mouth like I just got caught nude in a car parked on Lover’s Hill or something. What was my gig? You would have thought that I had 2 kilos in my bag with me and she was the Feds. Ridiculous.

“Oh. Good to know. I knew it was something like that. I am a counselor myself and I could just tell that you were in that line of work.” She sat there smiling at me…awkwardly…for a while…anybody?

She was sitting across from an older gentleman who I think was her husband. She was decked out in the latest Lulu outfit and looked quite fit for an older woman. She was definitely in her mid sixties, I would say, and either just came from the gym or was about to head there. She went on to explain that she counseled women with eating disorders and thought what I did (I said more after I stopped feeling like I was Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct) was really interesting. Our conversation, which by the way was intermittent because in between all of this I was still sitting across from someone (!!), started out light but then it took a crazy turn and I sat there thinking to myself, “Should I ask my client to move over?”

She launched into how she loved the place but the soup had way too much sodium in it (it does not, it is all made that day on location so it is not laden with MSG or other preservatives) and how she needed to avoid sodium because it was so bad for but it was okay because she had already worked out for the day so she had sweat and a little bit of sodium would be okay but that she didn’t want to put on any weight and you know how bad sodium is and…DEEP BREATH…

Who has ever seen my blank stare? Yeah…in full effect at this point. This begs the question now, ‘Who is the client? Her? Or the people she counsels? And what does that session look like?’

Did I say anything? What?? Are you smokin’ crack?

No one is harder to counsel than other health and fitness professionals. We are on the front lines doing personal work in spite of our own personal failures. We have to look like we have it all together even though we do not…not even a little bit. The thought of opening up to someone who is your peer and saying that you need help—or better yet, even admitting you need help is pure heresy. Do not even think about it in this industry. If you want a good idea of what I am talking about, go to a personal trainer’s conference and watch everyone jockeying for position that they know more than the guy next to him. It is like crabs in a bucket each pulling the other one down to get on top (I am only referring to the participants). The saddest thing about that, though, is that every trainer needs a trainer. You cannot be good at giving advice if you suck at taking it. I have two very strong women who speak into my life weekly and I will never give them up. One of them gives me the hairy eyeball while the other gives me the silent treatment. I love it and I love them. If you help people in any capacity, make sure you are being helped yourself because you need a place to dump all of that angst. It is hard to work through everyone else’s stuff all week long and not unload some of that somewhere. Ask me, no really, pleeeaaase ask me how I know? OY!!

Tomorrow, via email, I will wrap this up so be sure to check for it. Not sure what’s coming next but I have two cooking in my brain now. Just need some titles…haha!! Woop woop!!

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Could I do a play on words here with you? Is that ok? Because I would never do a play on words, right? I chose the name of my post to be ‘managed care’. I could not get away from that title and if you are subscribed to my emails you know that I get the titles of my blogs first and then I write them based on the title. No title, no blog. But managed care, in this day and age, refers to (as Wikipedia puts it):

Managed care is used in the United States to describe a variety of techniques intended to reduce the cost of providing health benefits and improve the quality of care.

Well obviously that’s not what I am referring to in this series so I was annoyed with myself when I couldn’t get rid of the title and find another. So I looked up the definition of managed and one of the meanings was:

to bring about or succeed in accomplishing, sometimes despite difficulty or hardship

and I looked up the meaning for care and saw that one of the choices was this:

a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern

Could I just be so bold as to stick the two together and create my own definition of managed care which is a representation of the story I am going to tell today? Managed care in today’s post means:

A lifestyle that succeeds in accomplishing, sometimes despite difficulty, a state of mind in which one is troubled.

Yeah…that’s it. And you ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie with this one!

I went to a house party/gathering/get together kind of thing. There were a lot of people there. It was a mixed crowd of singles and married couples, all colors, all occupations but mostly my age range. It was good conversation for the most part and I had a really good time. I, also, had an interesting “fly on the wall” moment with one of the girls at the party.

There are about 4 of us sitting around chatting, just enjoying the night and having a good laugh. Somehow, and I never pay attention to how until it’s too late, we got to yapping about weight, dieting and everything that it entails. I clam up. I got nuttin’. I want to have this conversation like I want to glide my tongue down a splintered piece of wood. Who understands what I’m saying right now? If it wouldn’t have been so obvious, I would have gotten up and moved elsewhere but I was stuck. So it begins…

Let me start by saying it was not the actual conversation that bothered me. To be honest, I cannot for the life of me remember what we were talking about so the topic wasn’t the problem—the girl that was speaking was the problem.  I will venture further and say, I like her, actually, so it wasn’t her per se as much as it was what she was trying to convince us of. Have you ever been in one of these conversations where you start wondering if the person you are talking to is really even talking to you or not? Or are they talking to themselves, convincing themselves of the things that are coming out of their mouth? And that wouldn’t be a big deal either because we’ve all done it at least once in our lives but most of the time we are honest about it. What was going on here was a total travesty.

Somehow—again, no idea how—we start talking about daily regimens and how we manage eating in general when there are all these bad choices around us. I should be more specific here and say “they” because I ain’t sayin’ nuttin’. Like nuttin’. So they get into how they all have dieted and how maintenance is tough—yadda, yadda—and the girl launches into how life is so wonderful now that she eats “this way” (I’ll explain in a minute) and she doesn’t know why it took her this long to do this and so on. “This way” means that she eats all organic food, nothing refined in any form, she makes all her own [insert whatever you may buy readymade like salad dressing], she eats very little meat and so on and so forth. There is nothing wrong with the choices of what she eats, I have no organic/whole food agenda here and it is working for her wonderfully because she has dropped a good amount of weight. Here is what you need to know: she is much like “Dr. Mercola” from yesterday in terms of extreme eating, and she is one of the most critical/harsh women I have met in a long time—she’s polarizing to be exact. Her claim here is that she is now ‘happy’, yet she is happy like I’m a domestic housewife (sounds good in theory but never comes to fruition). What she described is a life that is absolutely bound to her eating regimen to live day to day ‘happily’. Change anything in her eating and you have upset her balance.

I know what you are thinking: sounds like a lot of folks I know. Yes, I’m sure, but my issue here is much like the one of yesterday in that she had an agenda and she was recruiting. Unlike “Dr. Mercola” whose agenda was the extreme eating itself, this girl’s agenda was ‘now I am happy and you can be, too’. Suddenly, we were all miserable, shameful creatures because we just couldn’t see how happy and stable her life is now that she changed her food choices. The conversation began to get tense simply because she was trying to convince us that this is the life to live and the rest of us weren’t going for it. No one opposed her but no one supported her either. It was just dead air, she was miffed and just like yesterday’s post I said nothing. (When I go that silent, just know there’s something up.)

Why didn’t I say anything?

I would have upset the eco system. One of the worst things I can ever do (and ask me how I know this…sigh) is to enter into a conversation like that, ask a question or two that would have rocked her world and then get in my car to go home and never look back. If you know that you have a friend, not a close one, who is a holy mess but you don’t want to be the one to deal with it…leave her alone. This girl is at least functioning right now. If I had said anything to her to change where she was but then did not offer any assistance when she fell flat on the floor, then I am as irresponsible as they come.

This is hard for us to understand because many of us operate from a place of compassion when we see someone we know or like or even love suffering from the choices that they are making in their lives. (There is no one there who didn’t want to scream at her, “You are not happy!”)  We want to help them and give them some good solid food advice or help them with their training routine, which is all fine and good, but we need to have super sensitive antennae up that tell us when we should leave ‘good enough’ alone. If someone has built their survival around a religious (meaning scrupulously faithful; conscientious) activity and they have gone so far as to convince themselves that this is the way to go…LEAVE THEM ALONE. Only get involved if you are in for the long haul—and I mean long haul. You may disagree with me and that is A-OK with me. I, however, have had my fair share of Humpty Dumpties who have had a great fall all because I stuck a poker in the bees nest and then high-tailed it out of Dodge before realizing I just brought Armageddon to their front lawn. Again…I am reformed.

There’s yet another for us to look at tomorrow before I wrap up via email…hang tight…

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Once a month I go to a leadership type of meeting. No, I’m not a leader in anything and am quite happy with that but I do enjoy listening to the ladies that are there and learning from them. I am typically the youngest one in attendance so there is much to learn every time I go.

About 4 months ago, a new lady showed up to the meeting and really stirred things up. We probably have a new person come every 2 to 3 meetings or so and it’s always nice to get a new perspective and we really do welcome new people with open arms. The meetings, themselves, are centered on leadership and helping each other out in our respective positions so it is always nice to put it into practice by being accommodating to new people. The meetings are not about health or anything fitness related at all as we come from different professions and all walks of life and occasionally we will focus on one particular person’s field of interest, but that’s not the norm. We are there for the purpose of leadership development and supporting each other so who knew that the new woman at the meeting would cause such a raucous this day by not adhering to our purpose.

This is where I want to break and talk about meetings in general with women. WOW. What an eye opener. If you ever want to see the word *insecurity* in the flesh—a meeting will definitely do it. Now, I am not talking about these ones in particular because they are very small and focused, but more in the broader sense. Women are like a pack of dogs all searching for the alpha position—whether they want the position or they are looking to find out who has the position it doesn’t matter, they are all searching. And should you find yourself not knowing which one you are, you can be mowed over by the one who is claiming alpha or pushed out of the way but one who is aggressively looking for the alpha. YIKES.

The meeting time is set for the morning so when we get there our hostess typically has a light breakfast assortment out for us to choose from. The choices range from healthy to nowhere near healthy so everyone there is represented and it is at her house so honestly, no one is expecting her to be IHOP with a menu of choices. I’m happy she’s hosting it, for crying out loud, I know I wouldn’t want to do that monthly. So in walks Dr. Mercola—I mean the new woman. Holy Interruption, Batman! Yes! I am all about health. Yes! I care about the choices that you make and why you make them. But heck no! am I going to torture you if you choose something that is not so healthy.

I need you to know before I go on explaining what went down with this woman at this meeting that I am working on some major things in my personality. One of them is not stomping on people in conversations. If you know me, you know I have my work cut out for me, but dang it—it’s worth it. I can, if given the opportunity, dominate a room…no, wait…obliterate a room full of people if you pick a good enough topic. About 3 years ago, I had to free myself of that burden; too much carnage in my wake and it feels awful when you are done. So, I liberated myself from being the know-it-all that I can be. No…really…I did…stop laughing…sigh. But I also have an incredible knack of blending in the background, too, so that no one knows that I am there and I just sit back and watch the drama unfold. I brought the silent woman to this meeting in case you wondering.

So Dr. Mercola, as I will now call her, systematically went through the room shaming everyone for their choices in a very passive aggressive manner. It looks like this:

“Oh, I love Danish. I haven’t had any in such a long time. They cause too many gastric issues and they’re not good for you. I gave up anything with white flour or any refined foods for that matter. I’ve lost over 100 pounds in 2 years. I don’t let anything unhealthy pass my lips.”

My immediate reaction to this was sarcasm…in my mind. I wanted to say some things out loud…but I’m reformed. My biggest problem with what she said is the “I am better than you because I can make a better choice than you can” kind of tone. It was mean and it was a pot shot. Essentially she was picked on and debased when she was heavier so now it’s her turn to unleash the cracken on someone. Not cool.

The ladies at the meeting are just that: true ladies. So they let Dr. Mercola have her say for a minute or two and then moved right into the meeting. OH…but the nonsense did not stop! The meeting was barely in motion before we heard about how alcohol was so bad for you and that not ONE drip should ever be consumed because it is so poisonous. And studies show that…[my eyeballs begin to bleed]…

Why did I take such offense to that? Because in her ranting she neglected to stop and find out about the people at the meeting and who we all were. One of the participants—whom I have truly grown to love—is a newly life living ex-alcoholic and she needed to hear this like I needed someone to ask me if I ever take my own nutrition advice (another story for another time). It was only about her and it was apparent. The other thing that made this very difficult for us was how much she tried to make it seem like it wasn’t about her and how she wanted to help everyone. Oh how I wish that people—more trainers than anyone else—could see that their soap box is just that—theirs! When you are in the business of helping others…help them! And helping them is not making them look and act like you. OY!

We barely got through the meeting that day. Every way that she could interrupt, she did. She had the most extreme ideas about food, health, health care and so on. I was mortified. And I was also silent. I said not one word. Who can believe that? Not one. Why? For two reasons:

Why bother? Years ago I came to the realization that in the fitness industry everyone is a nutritionist and everyone is a trainer if they, themselves, have dieted themselves or worked out at least once and had some measure of success. If you cannot handle this, get out now. Almost all people operate under the fallacy that ‘if I have gone through it, I am now qualified to take you through it’. This is why you see guys/girls do one show and become a coach. It’s frightening and dieting is no different. Once you have dieted and had success, you are now officially a nutritionist. I have to say that this is the number one reason I avoid social engagements that are centered around food. They are just not fun for me. I either get challenged by someone in the room or I have to listen to Dr. Mercola, Dr. Oz and a splash Oprah all night long.

…the second reason…

Where would I start? That woman’s pain was sitting all over her sleeve. Torment, anger, resentment, vengeance and pride were all abound. Which one would I pick on first? None of that was about food. She wouldn’t know good nutrition if it took her out to dinner for goodness sakes. No…that was 100% about her personal pain and she drags it with her everywhere she goes. I will spare you her diet regimen but she was so rigid about what she ate and how she ate it that I think I let a tear fall down my face for her daily eating plan. We can all be like this at times, ourselves. We truly need to be mindful of this monster because we develop a false sense of security in the rigidity of our choices and the routine of our lives. We think that somehow we’ve erased a painful past or challenging circumstance because we count out 10 blueberries and avoid sugar all day long.

The saddest thing about this is that she looked gaunt. She was not super thin at all, her weight was fine, but she looked unhealthy. I believe that was simply because her frayed edges were showing and she couldn’t hide them anymore…

More to come tomorrow…

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Thank you so much if you have been reading all week long.  LOVE YOU for the support AND I appreciate the patience!  Let me know your thoughts at the end.

This just says it all.  Keep reading.

The last and most significant change that you will absolutely notice (if you haven’t just by this series alone) is that I am much more transparent in my writing, in my work and in my life.  I have no problem sharing my struggles with you, although, I have been for years but you may not have recognized it at the time because I never labeled them as mine.  If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, “It’s like you’re in my head.  How do you know what we’re thinking on that level?” then I would never have to work again. I have had people tell me they cannot read my blog on the weekday because they never know what I am going to dig up in their head and they do not want to deal with it the next day in work.  It is as if I have some sort of machine that can extract your thoughts and put them on blog, while that may be fun, that could not be further from the truth.  What if I just told you that…umm… I have lived it first?  Honestly, you cannot bull crap a bull crapper.  I can—and did—run circles around you ladies with diet games.  From manipulating the number on the scale to the crazy thoughts that go through your head when you lose a bunch a weight only to gain it back three months later and then live in the terror of “what’s everyone going to think?”, I have gone through everything.  I mean everything.  I would love to stand before you now and say that that battle is over but I would be lying.  It is not anywhere close to where it was 5 years ago, but it is still there to some degree and we are going to hash those things out together.  For 5.5 years of my life I lived in a body that was not my own and that brought things out in me that I did not know existed.  For the last 2.5 years of my life I have lived in a body that is my own but I needed to learn how take responsibility for it all over again.  Emancipation is a process, ladies.  You may think you are free when the chains fall off until you realize that they were never external chains but actually internal ones.  I do not know how I am going to roll that one out to you but I will figure it out as I go along.

So where does that leave me?  Let me give you what you won’t see on Jodiojo:

1) One and done articles (unless I have some major ax to grind and then I’ll figure out how to present it thoughtfully).  Everything will be series based.

2) Body part series (unless there is a moral behind it).  The tribute to our butt/thighs/shoulders days are over.

3) Generic health topics. Stuff like “Top 10 Foods That Will Enhance Your Cleavage”.  Not going to happen.

4) Snarky Rants. I was good for them.  I almost can’t read anything I wrote in 2010-2011.  Painful.  Kiss those goodbye.

5) Straight “lean articles”. Any topic that addresses getting you leaner on the outside without talking about what’s going on the inside of you will not make it on the blog anymore.

I have no desire to leave nutrition on a whole; however, I am retired as a trainer.  That does not mean that I will not put out training articles because I do not want to limit myself like that, but they will not be as often and will most likely be presented in a different manner.  I also have no desire to change my audience; I am married to the lean community.   I have been talking to lean (those who are or those who want to be regardless of their current size) women for twelve of the sixteen years I have been doing this.  I am good where I am at.  But I cannot stay who I was before or even write the way I did before (pre 2012), that woman is gone.  What you have now is a woman who loves to watch bodies change just as much on the inside as they do on the outside.  She is much more aware of her responsibilities as a coach, a friend, a mentor to some and as a woman in general.  She is a wise guy, a dedicated mom, a faithful wife, a dog with a bone about some issues, an intense person to have as a friend (ask Kris and Seanna) and a woman just like you. If you have been reading since January 2012, I hope that you continue to read the site because it will be much like that but more focused on all that I just laid out over the past 4 days:

1) Series based on our motives and why we behave the way we do. Type A, dedicated, driven, disciplined and successful are what we want to be seen as–that’s not a bad thing to want.  But I have not met a woman, yet, who has this drive for the right reasons and I have dieted a bajillion women.  We can have a lean, healthy body without it costing us our adrenals, marriage/relationship, career or integrity.  Let’s work on that.

2) Series based on the idiosyncrasies. You know the odd stuff you do in the name of nutrition.  Yeah…we’re going there.  (You’re probably doing something weird now while you’re reading this.)

3) Series based on hard topics. Disordered eating will be the first one that I tackle–I think.  But know that that’s where my head’s at in terms of “topics”.  No matter how hard the topic, though, there will be no shortage of humor.  I cannot change that part of me, I am a clown through and through.  I promise I’m not going sappy.

4) Workout series but only if they point to something about ourselves we need to know.

5) Honesty, transparency, fun, goofiness, the hairy eyeball and genuine understanding. There is an industry out there full of snakes and scorpions that is poisonous to our minds.  It’s validating us in all the wrong places and telling us that if we don’t keep conforming then we are somehow less than.  You know:  not strong enough, not disciplined enough, not attractive enough, not worth anything and so on.  Hold on, let me talk to the industry for you real quick…”SHUT UP!!”  There.  Now we can get back to focusing on working on the bodies we would like to have for all the right reasons.

If you knew me from before and are looking for that woman to come back then you are wasting your time, she will not so now is the time to step out with me waving good-bye to you with a sad face.  I will miss you!

Next up:  The 2013 Diet Review–I think.  It’s not what you think so hang tight and see how I present this to you.  You may learn a thing or two about yourself.  But, I also may write a completely different one that just started cookin’ in my head this week so I’m not sure.  Keep your eyes peeled…I’m back.  Woop woop!

Previous Series Post

Something to keep in mind as you read, today especially: Jodiojo isn’t really a blog, it’s a conversation between you and me.  I do not write to an “intended audience” and then hope to find readers.  I write to a few hundred women that I know very intimately.  I would say I know 75% of the Jodiojo readership because I’ve either dieted you or trained you in some capacity so when I write I am very specific in what I say but I’m also intentional in the detail that I share.  I want you to know what goes through my head the same way you share what goes through yours.  Hence today’s post.  Read on…

I appreciate genuine honesty.  We should know what we’re getting into before starting something.

Since we are on the topic of revelation, let me tell you about another one that I have had:  honesty is always the best policy but boy does it come with risk.  This is not the same as what I just described, that was more about you seeing that your psycho tendencies were real but not at all limited to just you and that there was something more behind them than you just not knowing how to take your face out of a bag of chips.  What I am now referring to is how every-so-often I will say something that floors even me.  Something so raw and truthful that once it leaves me lips, the only thing left for me to do is to hide under the table that’s between us.  Let me preface what I am talking about by saying this before illuminating more:  I love what I do.  And I love that there are women out there who trust me on the level that they trust me.  They literally tell me things they have never said to another human being before in their lives;  walk through things with me that take tremendous emotional courage; and look inside themselves in ways I know they never would have if it wasn’t for them trusting me that it was going to go somewhere productive.  I am not a therapist and I do not try to be one.  I am that girlfriend you wished you had to cry with when the one you really had didn’t have time to listen.  I totally understand the enormity of the position I am in because there was a time in my life when I didn’t and I have seen the pain it can cause when you don’t “get” this.  But I get it now—more than you will ever know–and it floors me.  It completely lays me out in lavender.  I am honored beyond all belief and very aware of the fragility of the relationship therefore I treasure our moments together and am never, ever casual about any conversation—even if it is just about the weather.  This is mainly because I understand that every conversation tells me more and more about you—even the silly ones.  You will open up and share about stuff that you may not have ever thought about simply by me asking you the most basic question and you feeling safe enough to be honest.  This is huge and it comes with great responsibility so when I let a grenade fall to the floor, I always hold my breath and pray the pin is still in it or we’re both going down in that particular conversation.   This is not easy!  This is risk in its rawest, most real form:

Will you talk to me again? Trust me when I tell you I have had some who took weeks before they would ever “go there” with me again.  But they eventually did.  Patience.

Do you understand that there’s not a lick of judgment on this end?  That I’m just like you?  And truth be told, probably worse because I know better? I would say yes because you keep reading/talking/texting with me but still, the risk is there.

Are you now a holy hot mess? Remember, I’m not a therapist and I don’t work with anyone who truly needs one, the things we talk about are all relational, but still…I just poked a finger into a gaping wound, major soft spot, place of shame or etc.  What’s going on in your mind right now?

Did I get the timing right?  Did I rush it?  Did I sound impatient?  Was I rude?  How could I have just said that out loud?  Are you hurt?  Do you hate me?  Do you see it, now? AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I wish I could tell you what that feels like when you say something that may seem so innocuous to someone else but you know it’s a loaded scud missile:  “So…do you think you were being selfish when you said that?”  “You do realize that it’s your responsibility to do [X,Y,Z]—not theirs”  “Is it really her fault, or are you just jealous?  Because from here, all I hear is jealousy.”  I could go on for days.  None of these statements are super deep but they are like flaming arrows to the heart when they come out of the mouth of someone you trust, directed to you who is standing with your heart wide open and vulnerable in your hand and they land on it dead center like a bull’s-eye painted on the side of a wall.  I don’t know about you, but that kind of experience will humble anybody with a heart and/or conscience.  I had better have my information straight, my motives on point and my own internal defense mechanism off because there will be repercussions from that conversation—good and bad.  Between phone calls or meetings is where the action is because there are seven days before we will speak again and a lot can happen in your brain in that time.  Basically, you get to think…and think…and think and at times that is to your advantage, many other times, though, it is not.  Thoughts like:

“I never saw it that way”

“How long have I been doing that?”

“Oh my goodness, I really do, do that!”

This is the first day or two, however, if you are not in the place to want to see something, shame or blame may set in:

“Who does she think she is saying that?”

“She thinks she knows everything and she knows nothing!”

“She always gets my head going and I can’t stand it.  I don’t need to think about this to lose 5 pounds!”

Embarrassment and panic could set in because we pulled the ‘kick me’ sign off of you so now you are defensive:

“Why didn’t anyone tell me I’ve been doing that?”

“I can’t go back to the gym now.  I need to find a new gym.”

There’s a chance of bitterness and resentment from erroneous conclusions about friends and loved ones:

“I knew my boyfriend wasn’t looking out for my best interest.”

“This is all my mother’s fault.  She would always…”

“My so called friends are jerks.”

All of the thoughts introduce risk; not on the level of therapy—just on the level of pride.  Has your pride been damaged because if it has, I’m going down the next time I press in your ten digits.  And I am sure you are wondering, and I will answer the question for you now, yes, I have been eaten for breakfast by some folks but it is always temporary (because ultimately they get their breakthrough) and I have never ended on a sour note but I have had a few frosty phone calls that were not exactly fun.

Now that you know that I do this, how do I write about it?  You can’t hear love in my tone if you’re reading this.  I know I can soften it up but then it loses the effect.  I want you to wake up and smell the coffee:  He is NOT the best guy for you, yes he IS cheating on you and that IS why you just ate that bag of chocolate and I meant to say that, but reading it would come off harsh.  And if I am writing about it, then it most likely would not be that specific.  It would be more general which would mean that for me to make my point, the word I deliver would really have to be a major scud missile and then I just worry about hurting people’s feelings because you may not know me enough in this way now to understand where I’m coming from and you will read it wrong.  Sigh…

Again, I will figure it out and get back to the task at hand.  But you can see where I have been for the past few months in that I have been metamorphosing in the confines of my basement.  Did that sound sort of creepy to anyone else besides me?  What I mean is, a lot has been going on on this side of the computer.

Tomorrow I share where I am headed.  It’s not a mystery if you have been reading the last 4 days but I lay it out in black and white because the site is changing.  Normally, a blog would just sort of change and not make too big of a deal of it in terms of saying why.  It would just happen.  But back to my original point, this is “not just a blog” and I feel you should know where I am headed and decide whether you want to come, as well.  We finish up tomorrow!  Woop woop!!

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You have to read this series as if it was one long blog post because…well…it was.  But it was way too long to post as one day so I chopped it in five…keep reading…

Flash forward to now.  Now…I don’t say a word.  Why?  Because personal revelation is far more effective and long lasting than me *telling* you about yourself (and boy can I tell you about yourself if given the chance. OY!)  Understand what I am saying here: I am not saying that I will let you walk around endlessly with a ‘kick me’ sign on your back because I thoroughly recognize that I have a moral obligation to tell you that you are smoking crack and you need to back away from the pipe.  What I am saying is that there is a huge element of timing that is involved in breakthrough and a certain level of risk on my part that I have to be willing to accept (i.e. you getting angry at me that the scale isn’t moving fast enough) if I really want to get you to a true place of success.  I am so done with ordering people around for 12 weeks only to have them back 6 months later because they didn’t learn a thing about themselves the first time around.  It is time for breakthrough but breakthrough requires patience and an element of looking like I don’t know what I’m doing for a while and back in the day, I was not willing to take that risk.  It is not always fun for me at first, but it is so worth it in the end when you are a whole new woman not controlled by your moods thereby not controlled by your eating.

Let me tell you what this looks like because you may still be thinking, “I don’t care, Jodi, I don’t ever want a ‘kick me’ sign on my back.”  I understand that fully but guess what, if you do, it will still be there after you lose whatever weight you would want to lose.  The only thing that would change is that you would be 10 pounds lighter with that sign on you only your friends and family won’t come along and take it off your back because they know you will need it again in 9 months when you gain all the weight back and start the crap all over again.  With that being said, hold on to your sign while I tell you what it looks like to take it off for good:

Most of us (in fact I can go out on a limb and say if you are reading Jodiojo then you have definitely at one time or another done what I am about to say) have struggled losing weight at some time or another in our lives and at the end of that struggle we may have found something that “worked” at that time.  Be it low carb, high carb, no carb, extra fat, no fat, certain types of fat, eating while standing up vs. eating while being upside down, the cute trainer in the gym vs. the old guy with the hairy mole at the boxing ring, whatever it was, we automatically thought, “that was it” and then we erroneously set our lives up around that food, food plan, gym, trainer or what have you.  May I be so bold as to tell you that it is never “them”?  If it was the first time that you had to lose weight, then yes, it could have been “them”.  But if you have worn a tread around the Mulberry bush losing the same 5 to 10 pounds every year—it’s never “them”.  Let’s flash back, then, to the days of my depravity.  I would have to beat you into submission/understanding that the root of your problem was not “them”.  I would tell you the truth and what I said was right, but I would say it in a way that just shut you down and never gave you the chance to experience it for yourself.  What’s so bad about that is you never got to see where you had gone wrong in your thinking so you could not appreciate/grasp the concept/understand what part of your thinking was holding you back in the first place.  Not one of you lack diet knowledge—not one.  There is not a shortage of brain power with the readers of this site.  However, all of us still walk around the Mulberry bush ‘over thinking’ our issue thinking that it is the glycemic index in relation to the mitochondrial influence on our Thyroid that has caused us to mysteriously put on 10 pounds while we were getting our hair done because we just learned on Dr Oz that if we don’t control the surge of ghrelin in our guts, we will surely release too much insulin!!  WHAT??  Really???  Heavens to Murgatroyd!  Say isn’t so, Sam!  You want to watch my afro grow 45 feet in 3 minutes flat?  Come to me with some nonsense like that and I could seriously launch out of my skin into your head and stomp on your thinking for about 10 minutes before I even realized that I had invaded your mind like that.  I know some of you are laughing right now because you are still picking out remnants from the bottom of my shoes out of your frontal lobes so you know what I am saying is true.  Please…whatever you do…don’t come to me with craziness like that.  It makes me psycho…and you wouldn’t like me when I’m psycho.

Now this is some bull right here!

After all of this, though, I still have not told you what this looks like so here it goes:  First, let me start by saying that this is not anyone in particular so please do not email me and say that that’s you.  One, get over yourself; two, we ALL do this.  ALL of us!  You are not a freak—you’re normal!  Seriously.  This means that no one can email me and say that I put their business out there because it is EVERYBODY’S business!  Get your hands off the keyboard now.  Thank you.  What was I saying?  Oh yes, you decide you cannot take the extra ten pounds anymore and so you hunt me down for a “diet”.  The conversation may go a little something like this:

Girl: “Jodi!  Where have you been?  I miss you!”

Who knows I haven’t been ‘anywhere’?  What they’re really saying is, “Why weren’t you here last week when I stuck my face in my refrigerator on Friday and then didn’t bring it back out again until Sunday night?  You slackard!  Now I’m up 10 and it’s all your fault for not making your voice loud enough in my head. Grrr.”

Me: “Uh…I’ve been right here.  I miss you, too.  What’s up?”

Completely said with that voice that says “I’m so onto where you’re going and I’m not going with you.  However, I’ll entertain you for a minute because I love you.”  Compassion in action.

Girl: “I need you to put a diet together for me.  I need to take this extra weight off.”

Me: “Really?  What happened to the last 4 I put together?”

Who can hear me saying that to you?  Again…no shortage of knowledge on this site!

Girl: “They worked awesome!!  I just need to get it together again.  I need a jumpstart/energizer/refresher/focused plan/structured type of thing to get me back on track/serious/in line again/all about health/where I was before.”

Me: “That’s what you said before.  What happened?”

Girl: “Nothing.  It was awesome actually.  I hit goal.  But then…work/husband/kids/life/high school reunion/alien life forces/alignment of the stars got in the way and I’m back to square one.  Please Jodi.  Can you just make me a diet/make me hot/make me like my job/make me not want to hit my relative/make me look good naked just this one/two/three/four times again?”

Me: “I’ll tell you what…”

Right away you should know something is coming down the pike at you that is going to cost you something and I don’t mean money.

Me: “I’ll give you a new plan—we’ll start this Friday.  You have it for 4 weeks.  If you can’t stick with it, then can we talk?”

Girl: “Absolutely!!  I’m so excited!  Thank you!”

Said Girl (thank you, Norman) gets the diet.  She’s good for the first 2 weeks like it is her job! Then week 3 comes along and there’s a bit of a falter and by week 4 she’s bordering on being a mess (mind you, the whole time she was losing weight so this isn’t about lack of progress!):

Me: “Ok girl, what’s going on?  You know there’s no pressure from me but you’re not going to make the goal that you wanted to make if you keep falling apart like this.”

In other words, do you see what I see? Go ahead, sing it in your head.

Girl: “Nothing is going on.  I’m super focused…it’s just that my food is so boring/life is so hectic/I really want to be able to eat [insert here]/I hate cardio/I’m so tired from work/I need someone to cook my food…so I haven’t been on track lately.”

Me: Total dead pan tone, “Really.”

I get blamed for everything. Sigh.

Here is where back in the day I would have lambasted you, got you in a head lock and ate you for breakfast.  Now?  Not so much.  Instead, I wait…it  may take a few more weeks…but I wait…hear every word you say, we talk about your progress, we put minor solutions into operation…and then I wait again…drop little hints here and there…ask questions…and wait…chat with you like I know nothing….celebrate your achievements…and wait…til it hits you like a ton of bricks that it’s not the carbs/insulin/wheat/gluten/beef vs. vegetarianism issue that you have been plagued with and if someone had cooked your food/hand delivered your food/heck, ate your food for you, you STILL wouldn’t have stayed on track.  Instead, the issue lies with you!  Now if I had told you that, you would not have believed me.  You would have blamed the diet/republicans/democrats/gun laws/innocent wombats/webkinz and so on because you were not in a place to see what I was seeing.   But for some reason, the lights have been turned on and all our patience has paid off because THAT’s where the success lies.  When you tell it back to me like I had zero idea and honestly, I most likely didn’t, but I knew something was up then we are truly cooking with gas.  But you needed to figure that out—not me.  Me knowing does you no good.

This has been my last 2 years and it has impacted my writing tremendously because I can no longer write about what I used to I see things so differently now.  Hence my disappearance.  I’m not done, though.  There’s more.  Not much, but enough that I couldn’t shove it in today.  See you tomorrow.  Woop woop!

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It’s so good to be back and the story continues…make sure you read all week to see where I’m at…

Honestly, I would never get you in a headlock on the first meeting.  I always wait a few months.  For real.

Another significant change is that I’m much more compassionate.  Five years ago if you had asked me ‘do these jeans make me look fat?’ I would have told you, “No, you make you look fat.  In fact, if you got your head out of your behind and focused, maybe you could fit in your jeans.  Not for nuthin’, but I have better things to do with my time like floss my teeth than have this conversation with you.  Anytime you’re ready and you can stop wishing the weight off, I’m here for you.”  Now, I know what you’re thinking:  ‘You just told me that last week!  More compassionate my behind!’  And you may have a point there, but now instead of saying that snarkily, I would say that with full love and compassion in my heart.  It would probably come out more like this:  “No.  You do not “look” fat. And you are NOT fat.  Are you where you want to be?  No.  But you know why and there’s no reason to go over this again and beat the tar out of you with it.  However, don’t ask questions you know the answer to that somehow prove you suck, because I’m not on board with that.  But do take off those jeans cuz they ain’t workin’ for ya!”  See?  Much better.  And then I’d give you “the look”.  You know what the look is because even those who only talk to me on the phone say, “I know you have that look on your face.”  Cracks me up when y’alls say that to me.

All joking aside, I have been having this ongoing revelation that on the other side of every diet question is a woman looking for someone to tell her she’s either beautiful, worthy or loved and I can no longer be party to being a soul “krusher”.  I have been transforming bodies for a long, long time now and no matter how many bodies I’ve changed the thing I remember most and what counts more to me than anything else is the woman who has allowed me to watch her heart be transformed more than her outer shell.  The ultimate privilege/honor/desire for me is to be there when the lights turn on in your head and you realize that that little box on the floor that you step on is a liar, or that you do not need to eat half a cabinet because your Aunt Betty Anne did not invite you AGAIN to the cookout or that your girlfriend who you think is the most-put-together-hot-chic-this-side-of-the-Mississippi is really a holy hot mess who is one Prozac pill away from losing it all and you’ve been worshipping her why????  THAT, my dear, is glory to me!!  Because on the other side of that is freedom!  And isn’t that what it’s all about?  What good is a great body if you are only a prisoner in it and not a landowner?

So am I now going to be writing sappy material that says ‘you can do it’ when you are much more intelligent than that?  Mmm..no…but I may not chew you up and spit you out like I did before…well…at least not in a harsh way…keep reading…

I know you THINK that’s why you want a new diet but let’s really get to the matter at hand.

Another thing that I have noticed is that I am much more perceptive of motives, driving forces, bull crap, excuses, superstitions, myths, crutches and bold faced lies than I ever have been before and at the same time I am much more comfortable in my own skin.  This has created an interesting combination.  Back in the day, I would have to call someone on their crap right away—not because it was to their benefit, no…that would be noble.  I did it mainly because I did not want them to think that I did not know—when I actually did–or have them blame me for something that was not “my fault”.  Awful—I know!  And honestly, it hurts my heart to even type that!  It was all about me and I was NOT going down with the ship.  I will try to illustrate this more in terms of training in a minute but for the sake of just getting where I am going, think about a girlfriend that you have that says stuff to you about herself that you know is not true.  She does not do it maliciously, she is honestly delusional or in obvious self denial.  The normal response is to not say a thing but to call another girlfriend that knows her and ask her if you are crazy because so and so just said such and such and you were dumbfounded.  I, of course, am not condoning gossip but let’s face it—we have all made that call once in our lives:  “Girl, I just got off the phone with Aunt Betty Anne.  What in Heaven’s name is she smoking??  She just said—no, I’m serious when I say this—she just said that she doesn’t understand why she gained 5 pounds over the weekend AFTER she just said she went to the Phantom Gourmet Food Festival and sampled EVERYTHING there while having 2 beers and a glass of wine—but wait for it…–she said she didn’t understand because they were all healthy choices!  WHAT????  I didn’t know what to say.”  If it happens and she is your girlfriend, that is ok.  If it happens and she is your client, that is called a-disaster-waiting-to-happen.  Should you lie to this person?  NO!  Absolutely not.  But are there ways to handle this without “krushing” a soul?  Yes.  Read on.

Although your girlfriend tried to convince you that it means “hot body”, deep down you know it means “kick me” with an arrow saying where.

Then I got to a point where I’d be a little more patient about it, but I still had to let you know that I knew or let someone else know that I knew (see call above) and I still refused to go down with the ship.  Again, back then it was never about their welfare or their progress, because if it was it would have been handled very differently.  Unfortunately, it was all about me not taking the blame for their delusion and me being right and me, me, me…UGH!  Right about now you may be thinking, “But wait!! Jodi, I WANT you to tell me I’m delusional.  I don’t EVER want to be that girl who is walking around with the ‘kick me’ sign on my back and I have no idea.”  I hear you but if you are thinking that or even thinking that it is my moral obligation to tell her as her nutritionist and you do not see the problem with this, keep reading and it will begin to make sense.

Yes…the heat is about to get hotter…see you tomorrow morning for more…woop woop!!

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I’ve changed.  Yet again, I have changed.  I know, I know…I disappeared last summer and I am resurfacing today because this current series was nagging my fingers to type (and because about 20 of you called/texted/emailed/sent smoke signals saying ‘write or else you die’ but that’s neither here nor there) so here I am typing away but I have to tell you…I’m different.  At first I didn’t think that it made a difference that I’m not the same person anymore but how many of you already know how silly that statement is?  Then I thought that I would just throw out a few series here and there and I would figure it out as I went along.  Well, that didn’t happen either since I have now had the longest writing gap to date in the life of Jodiojo.  Now I am at the point of simply fessin’ up to the fact that I am not the same person but I have no idea how to package all that rattles around in my brain and get it to you in a way that makes sense so that I don’t come off like some kind of internet troll with an ax to grind.  Please bear with me over the next five days as I tell you how my metamorphosis affects the information that comes out of this blog.

There I am.  Eighty five and still talking someone off a Dr. Mercola ledge.

First, let’s talk about the fact that I’m older—and I don’t mean my age–I mean in my worldview, the way I think and process information–I’m like an old lady.  I am much older in the way that I view things but in my everyday life I feel like a kid again.  I describe it in that manner because I feel like I’m getting younger everyday (I’m so much happier, life really is awesome and if I could, I’d skip around my house a few times) but my professional disposition is that of an 85 year old woman.  I have no interest in the ‘latest happening’.  If it’s on TV, it’s not on my radar.  Period.  If you saw it in a magazine and want to know what I think, you’ll have a better chance of getting me to tell you that you can drink alcohol for the next 3 weekends in a row—and good luck with that.  So I’ve become this sort of…curmudgeon.  It’s terrible.  Yes, I know…you already thought I was one.  But if you can believe it, I’m worse!  No kidding.

What is worse is that I no longer have a passion for the nutrition and training industry.  It’s gone.  Dead as a doornail.  Sigh.  ALRIGHT!  That’s a little dramatic and far be it from me to be dramatic but the passion has severely waned.  The thing is, losing any part of my heart for the industry on a whole is monumental because I have lived nutrition and training for the past 16 years (and seeing that I just turned 21…haha!) and I cannot even imagine doing anything else since I “get” it and I can do it in my sleep.  It’s almost frightening.  Most of you know that I started out as both an engineer and group fitness instructor, dropped the engineering to stay home with my kids and voila! my career began.   It was fun, new to me and a perfect fit seeing as I had a biology concentration alongside my engineering degree from college.  However, the industry of old is not the industry of new and I can no longer stomach where it is going.  It’s a shame.  At one point there seemed to be dignity to the craft and people honestly gave a crap but now, not so much.  There’s a trainer on every corner but they are less and less interested in being educated, never mind certified; there’s a new diet on the market every month; and there’s a ‘new reason’ every ten minutes as to why the country is obese/dying of cancer/leprous/you-name-it and typically it’s wheat/gluten/dairy/meat/starch/sugar…whatever—gimme a break!  So much of it is fear mongering and whatever is truth is so massaged in favor of whoever is presenting it that it is hard to believe it for face value.

But it is more than just the charlatans that have moved in and set up camp on the internet or the latest fads on the market, it is the overall mindset of the consumer, too, because we are the ones giving these folks a voice.    If you do not have a gimmick, if you are not pushing the latest craze or if you refuse to put a gratuitous butt shot on your site, you might as well give it up in terms of being heard.  Please let me say, I do not mean being “heard” is about being “liked” by everyone on FB or having a super popular website because that’s not even in my vocabulary.  If I cared about that, I would be on Twitter, FB, Pinterest, Instagram and so on vying for attention like everyone else.  I am nowhere near that stuff; I am too busy sitting in my basement office loving life.  No, what I mean is you are not heard by the people you are working with simply because they themselves are drowning in life. The enemies are typical:  the news, the internet, the hot chic on FB, the latest myth in Oxygen, Oprah, Dr. Oz and so on.  The more I think about it, they are actually not enemies but more distractions.  The real enemy is what’s going on in our minds, and getting someone to see that takes time and patience that I no longer have in that capacity.  If you want me to sit with you one on one and walk you through a nutrition concept, I have endless patience.  If you want me to argue with you about why someone else can do something that you can’t (like lose 5 pounds while eating junk), I’m going to have to bow out on that one—I am fresh out of patience.  In terms of other trainers, you have to be willing to argue with whatever camp that may be out there pushing whatever the latest and greatest discovery is and if you notice one thing about Jodiojo—I am not into that at all.  I refuse to argue.  I’d rather pluck the tiny hairs on my toes with an old pair of pliers before I’d ever waste my time arguing over the metabolic impact of eating a sleeve of Oreos versus the slow response of serotonin when doing a squat. (I so just pulled all that out of my butt–with those pliers.  Thank you for humoring me.)  You get my point, though.

You know those aren’t my toes right? The question is: did I pluck my toe hairs first or pull that out of my butt? Hmmm….

When did the industry change like this?  I feel like I was on a deserted island for 10 years and this is what I have come back to.  ACK!!  However, the real question is:  How does this affect Jodiojo?  I’m getting there…  There’s more…lots more…hang tight.  So glad to be back.  Woop woop!

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I go to the gym Monday through Friday right after I drop my kids off at school.  (For those of you who are wondering, I finally started coming to a stop for my kids to get out of the car.  No more pushing them out as I drive by.   It’s been working well for us.  Thanks for your concern.;)  It’s a basic gym, nothing extraordinary about it and I go at that odd time of the morning where it’s the end of the early morning rush but before the mommy time starts so it’s never crowded.  Every day that I am at the gym there is a woman on the Arc Trainer—her special Arc Trainer—covered in about 2 gallons of sweat and I used to always think, ‘Work it girl!’ when I saw her doing cardio.  Then one day I got on next to her and she was covered in sweat while the display of her machine said 7 minutes.  I immediately thought, “Holy crap.  What setting could you possibly have that on if you are that sweaty after 7 minutes?!  I need to get a hook up from sister-girl on how to juice the Arc Trainer for everything it has.”  Then I got on again about a week or two later when her display read about 50 min or so (I know I wrote about this before on some post but I can’t find it right now) and while I was doing my cardio it looped at 60 min and started counting from 1 again.  What the…?  What is THAT about?  Who in this day and age has that much time to do that much cardio all week long?  Holy ticking time, Batman!

So today I just happen to be there before she was and she came in and put her stuff on the machine before going to the lockers to put her stuff away.  What she used to “hold her spot” was 7 pieces of gum neatly lined up on the machine—meanwhile she was chewing away on some already before setting up shop.  Holy intestinal fortitude!  I got the runs just knowing she was going to chew all that in that short of time.  Well short time for 7 pieces of gum, long time for useless cardio.  Thankfully I was done 5 minutes after she came back so I had enough time to stock up on Cank-Aid and warm salty water.  This brings me to some more of the basics…

I am going to start running, I need to lose some weight.

Good luck with that.  Using running to lose weight is like using a spoon to empty bathwater out of your tub; you will eventually get it done.  If you insist on running as a form of weight loss, do it the right way by incorporating speed drills and sprints into your runs and you’ll really achieve what you’re hoping for.

Can I do the weight lifting class at my gym instead of lifting?  It’s so boring and I hate it.

You mean the class that does more reps in one hour than I would ever do in one week?  I would say no simply because you cannot lift heavy enough.  And I can’t say this enough:  group fitness has its place in life but not as a primary if your desire is to look good naked.

What do you think about…{insert diet concept/book/workout technique/DVD/latest fad here}?

Who cares?  You know you don’t.  I could tell you that it causes a new arm to grow out of your neck and if you are hell bent on it enough, you’ll bring an extra sleeve for your shirt just in case.  Seriously.  And honestly, if it is going to energize you, challenge you, inspire you and so on and it is safe, I say go for it.  I hope that most of us have been around long enough to know that change matters more than the actual diet or workout itself.  Not to mention, are you new to dieting or not?  If you are new, you’ll lose weight running to the shower in the morning.  If you’re a veteran, you could scale Mount Kilimanjaro eating only a bean and a half of pear and maybe, just maybe, you’ll lose a half pound by the end of the week.

I started doing bootcamp 5 days a week.  Is that ok?

Only if they mix it up.  If you are doing 5 days of jumping/plyometrics, that is not ok.  And if it is really a glorified run club, see #1.

It is cool to see people in their “stages of readiness”.   When we first start out we just want to lose some weight.  But then we lose a few pounds and realize we look the same as before, just smaller.  Then we go to a beach and put on a bathing suit and realize we’re so crinkly that we look like we wrapped ourselves in cellophane before we left the house.  That sets us on a mission to be smaller and tighter.  The rest is history but it’s wild to watch it go down in slow motion.  This wraps up all the questions asked to me in April.  May is proving to be a slow month which is nice because I need to regenerate in my hole office after all that.  Woop woop!

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This is part two of my crazy month of April where I was accosted by some insane folks with some insane questions.

I want you to know how this really happens because when you read these it can almost sound like I’m trying to say that I’m well known or something.  Umm…that is SO far from the case.  BUT, I am well known in my very small circle of influence (that’d be 8 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats and some bunnies in my yard) by what I presently do and what I used to do.  Now those folks never ask me any questions—they know better.  After I’ve told you something 5 times, I begin to put your business out there when you ask me something you know already.  This is a great deterrent for repetitive questions from family.  It looks like this:

Repeat offender: “Jodi?”

Me: “Yayesss?”  If you have ever had me say yes to you this way, you know what this sounds like.

RO: “Do I have to measure my food?”

Me: “Nope.”

RO: “Really?  You told me before that I should?”

Me: “I did?”  Knowing full well that I did and said with a massively incredulous tone.  “Well then why are you asking me again?”  Said with full sincerity.

RO: “Because I was hoping you would say no.  And you did, but I know you’re lying.”

Me: “I’m not lying.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  Like progress (pronounced proe-gress).  Why do what you need to do to progress?  What you’re doing so far is working great for you.  Just keep doing more of that.”  At this point they’re done with me because they realized they’re not going to get anywhere (both in their dieting and the conversation with me) but I swear to you I am neither mean nor snide.  Those days are behind me (kinda;).

So if it’s not all my family and friends asking me these questions and I’m as famous as a homeless guy (although the dude in Boston who walks along Mass Ave, Roxbury, and washes your windows is pretty well known), who is asking me these questions?  Their friends!  Holy suffering survey, Batman!  My family’s friends and my friends’ friends can keep me busy for a long time.  Since I’ve never met most of them before, I do not mind.  It is funny to watch someone who knows me run and hide, though, when they ask me a question they know is a no-no.  But they don’t realize that I just do that to them.  Sillies.

Here’s Part 2.

Do I have to measure my food?

Yes.  Think about it this way.  You’re on a side street doing a good clip.  Not sure how much but a bit on the fast side.  A cop standing on the side of the road for a detail pulls you over.  He didn’t clock you.  He saw you.  He’s been on the force for 25 years, though.  He “knows” speeding when he sees it.  He gives you a ticket and tells you to slow down.  Is he right?  Yes.  But the ticket he gives you is dependent on *exactly* how fast you were going.  He claims 43mph.  Your speedometer said 40.  Three extra mph adds $30 to the ticket in Ma.  When you contest this by going to the judge and say, “I can’t accept this. He didn’t measure this accurately. I should not be stuck with this fine.”  The judge is going to say, “You’re right.”  Think of this when you step on the scale.  You’re using an accurate measuring tool to measure an inaccurate way of dieting.  Must be frustrating to accept those extra 3 pounds.

When can I stop measuring my food?

First time dieting:  after 5 weeks.  Veteran:  after 3 weeks and you are on a roll.

Do I have to have a cheat meal?  I’ve been doing great without one.

Yes.  Because you haven’t gone anywhere yet that has your favorite food.  You’re locked up in a cell known as your house.  As soon as you leave the compound, though, and go to a real function with real food laid out in front you, I have ten dollars that says you’ll forsake utensils and you will defy gravity with some of the eating techniques you will use when you get around that PB/chocolate/ice cream/starchy food/dessert that you’ve been missing.  No snortling please.

Sometimes the things that I get are not actually questions, but declarations.  It’s as if they want me to say to them, “You are so amazing and so on track!  What you’re doing is fabulous.  You’ll be Heidi Klum in no time.”   However, it’s usually something that will send me into a two hour rant.  See below:

• “I don’t eat salt.” Who is scarred from the salt rant?  Don’t make me go here again.  I can only say “huge” so many times.

• “I don’t eat fruit.” Now that’s just sad.  Fruit is nature’s candy and definitely not the reason you haven’t reached goal.

• “I don’t eat starch.” This is a BIG mistake.  There are a ton of Atkins/South Beach sufferers from back in the day who can tell you how much this hurts you as you get older in life.  This is cool if you never ever gain any weight back.  BUT, if you gain even just 5 pounds back, you’re done for.

• “My trainer says…” Good.  Why are you talking to me about this?  Follow what they say and stop fact checking them.  This is some sick game people like to play pitting trainer against trainer like they’ve been hanging out with Michael Vick or something.  Knock it off and go with your trainer.  You’re paying them.

You know there’s more.  I had lock jaw by the end of the month.  Hang tight.  Woop woop!

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