I go to the gym Monday through Friday right after I drop my kids off at school.  (For those of you who are wondering, I finally started coming to a stop for my kids to get out of the car.  No more pushing them out as I drive by.   It’s been working well for us.  Thanks for your concern.;)  It’s a basic gym, nothing extraordinary about it and I go at that odd time of the morning where it’s the end of the early morning rush but before the mommy time starts so it’s never crowded.  Every day that I am at the gym there is a woman on the Arc Trainer—her special Arc Trainer—covered in about 2 gallons of sweat and I used to always think, ‘Work it girl!’ when I saw her doing cardio.  Then one day I got on next to her and she was covered in sweat while the display of her machine said 7 minutes.  I immediately thought, “Holy crap.  What setting could you possibly have that on if you are that sweaty after 7 minutes?!  I need to get a hook up from sister-girl on how to juice the Arc Trainer for everything it has.”  Then I got on again about a week or two later when her display read about 50 min or so (I know I wrote about this before on some post but I can’t find it right now) and while I was doing my cardio it looped at 60 min and started counting from 1 again.  What the…?  What is THAT about?  Who in this day and age has that much time to do that much cardio all week long?  Holy ticking time, Batman!

So today I just happen to be there before she was and she came in and put her stuff on the machine before going to the lockers to put her stuff away.  What she used to “hold her spot” was 7 pieces of gum neatly lined up on the machine—meanwhile she was chewing away on some already before setting up shop.  Holy intestinal fortitude!  I got the runs just knowing she was going to chew all that in that short of time.  Well short time for 7 pieces of gum, long time for useless cardio.  Thankfully I was done 5 minutes after she came back so I had enough time to stock up on Cank-Aid and warm salty water.  This brings me to some more of the basics…

I am going to start running, I need to lose some weight.

Good luck with that.  Using running to lose weight is like using a spoon to empty bathwater out of your tub; you will eventually get it done.  If you insist on running as a form of weight loss, do it the right way by incorporating speed drills and sprints into your runs and you’ll really achieve what you’re hoping for.

Can I do the weight lifting class at my gym instead of lifting?  It’s so boring and I hate it.

You mean the class that does more reps in one hour than I would ever do in one week?  I would say no simply because you cannot lift heavy enough.  And I can’t say this enough:  group fitness has its place in life but not as a primary if your desire is to look good naked.

What do you think about…{insert diet concept/book/workout technique/DVD/latest fad here}?

Who cares?  You know you don’t.  I could tell you that it causes a new arm to grow out of your neck and if you are hell bent on it enough, you’ll bring an extra sleeve for your shirt just in case.  Seriously.  And honestly, if it is going to energize you, challenge you, inspire you and so on and it is safe, I say go for it.  I hope that most of us have been around long enough to know that change matters more than the actual diet or workout itself.  Not to mention, are you new to dieting or not?  If you are new, you’ll lose weight running to the shower in the morning.  If you’re a veteran, you could scale Mount Kilimanjaro eating only a bean and a half of pear and maybe, just maybe, you’ll lose a half pound by the end of the week.

I started doing bootcamp 5 days a week.  Is that ok?

Only if they mix it up.  If you are doing 5 days of jumping/plyometrics, that is not ok.  And if it is really a glorified run club, see #1.

It is cool to see people in their “stages of readiness”.   When we first start out we just want to lose some weight.  But then we lose a few pounds and realize we look the same as before, just smaller.  Then we go to a beach and put on a bathing suit and realize we’re so crinkly that we look like we wrapped ourselves in cellophane before we left the house.  That sets us on a mission to be smaller and tighter.  The rest is history but it’s wild to watch it go down in slow motion.  This wraps up all the questions asked to me in April.  May is proving to be a slow month which is nice because I need to regenerate in my hole office after all that.  Woop woop!

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This is part two of my crazy month of April where I was accosted by some insane folks with some insane questions.

I want you to know how this really happens because when you read these it can almost sound like I’m trying to say that I’m well known or something.  Umm…that is SO far from the case.  BUT, I am well known in my very small circle of influence (that’d be 8 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats and some bunnies in my yard) by what I presently do and what I used to do.  Now those folks never ask me any questions—they know better.  After I’ve told you something 5 times, I begin to put your business out there when you ask me something you know already.  This is a great deterrent for repetitive questions from family.  It looks like this:

Repeat offender: “Jodi?”

Me: “Yayesss?”  If you have ever had me say yes to you this way, you know what this sounds like.

RO: “Do I have to measure my food?”

Me: “Nope.”

RO: “Really?  You told me before that I should?”

Me: “I did?”  Knowing full well that I did and said with a massively incredulous tone.  “Well then why are you asking me again?”  Said with full sincerity.

RO: “Because I was hoping you would say no.  And you did, but I know you’re lying.”

Me: “I’m not lying.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  Like progress (pronounced proe-gress).  Why do what you need to do to progress?  What you’re doing so far is working great for you.  Just keep doing more of that.”  At this point they’re done with me because they realized they’re not going to get anywhere (both in their dieting and the conversation with me) but I swear to you I am neither mean nor snide.  Those days are behind me (kinda;).

So if it’s not all my family and friends asking me these questions and I’m as famous as a homeless guy (although the dude in Boston who walks along Mass Ave, Roxbury, and washes your windows is pretty well known), who is asking me these questions?  Their friends!  Holy suffering survey, Batman!  My family’s friends and my friends’ friends can keep me busy for a long time.  Since I’ve never met most of them before, I do not mind.  It is funny to watch someone who knows me run and hide, though, when they ask me a question they know is a no-no.  But they don’t realize that I just do that to them.  Sillies.

Here’s Part 2.

Do I have to measure my food?

Yes.  Think about it this way.  You’re on a side street doing a good clip.  Not sure how much but a bit on the fast side.  A cop standing on the side of the road for a detail pulls you over.  He didn’t clock you.  He saw you.  He’s been on the force for 25 years, though.  He “knows” speeding when he sees it.  He gives you a ticket and tells you to slow down.  Is he right?  Yes.  But the ticket he gives you is dependent on *exactly* how fast you were going.  He claims 43mph.  Your speedometer said 40.  Three extra mph adds $30 to the ticket in Ma.  When you contest this by going to the judge and say, “I can’t accept this. He didn’t measure this accurately. I should not be stuck with this fine.”  The judge is going to say, “You’re right.”  Think of this when you step on the scale.  You’re using an accurate measuring tool to measure an inaccurate way of dieting.  Must be frustrating to accept those extra 3 pounds.

When can I stop measuring my food?

First time dieting:  after 5 weeks.  Veteran:  after 3 weeks and you are on a roll.

Do I have to have a cheat meal?  I’ve been doing great without one.

Yes.  Because you haven’t gone anywhere yet that has your favorite food.  You’re locked up in a cell known as your house.  As soon as you leave the compound, though, and go to a real function with real food laid out in front you, I have ten dollars that says you’ll forsake utensils and you will defy gravity with some of the eating techniques you will use when you get around that PB/chocolate/ice cream/starchy food/dessert that you’ve been missing.  No snortling please.

Sometimes the things that I get are not actually questions, but declarations.  It’s as if they want me to say to them, “You are so amazing and so on track!  What you’re doing is fabulous.  You’ll be Heidi Klum in no time.”   However, it’s usually something that will send me into a two hour rant.  See below:

• “I don’t eat salt.” Who is scarred from the salt rant?  Don’t make me go here again.  I can only say “huge” so many times.

• “I don’t eat fruit.” Now that’s just sad.  Fruit is nature’s candy and definitely not the reason you haven’t reached goal.

• “I don’t eat starch.” This is a BIG mistake.  There are a ton of Atkins/South Beach sufferers from back in the day who can tell you how much this hurts you as you get older in life.  This is cool if you never ever gain any weight back.  BUT, if you gain even just 5 pounds back, you’re done for.

• “My trainer says…” Good.  Why are you talking to me about this?  Follow what they say and stop fact checking them.  This is some sick game people like to play pitting trainer against trainer like they’ve been hanging out with Michael Vick or something.  Knock it off and go with your trainer.  You’re paying them.

You know there’s more.  I had lock jaw by the end of the month.  Hang tight.  Woop woop!

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First, let me just say I love that saying.  There’s something about that phrase that makes me feel like I’m saying a naughty word when I am really not.  I love it—and that’s sad that something like that makes my day.  Wow…  Second, there really is something that’s sticking in my craw (mind you, craw means the stomach of an animal.  Ewww).  I am in the middle of doing research for a new series coming up (and a few other things that I am writing that you’ll know about soon enough) and it has forced me to have to have to read a bunch of studies.  If you have never done this, let me help you through wondering whether this is a good thing or a really mundane and awful thing:

• Studies are crap. Very few studies are done now as truly sanctioned studies.  Back in the day they used to segregate people from the world and force them to do maniacal acts all for the sake of science.  Ok.  Sorry.  That’s not true…but they did follow them very closely and more often than not, provide them with the food necessary for the study.  Nowadays, you’re on your own and instead they “ask” you how felt or what you ate and when and how much and etc.  That’s about as factual as me calling you up right now and asking you what you ate last Tuesday for lunch, what you wore 2 weeks ago to the gym and then drawing a conclusion from that.  What the…??
• They are all rigged. Now, truth be told, that’s an exaggeration.  But for the sake of this post and the fact that I am now annoyed from going through as many as I have, they are all rigged.  What I mean by this statement is there are very few government grants out there for studies of things that matter.  The people who are paying for studies are typically the people who will benefit from the information coming out of the study.  If they won’t benefit from the information, you won’t see the study.  Ask Monsanto.  They’re sitting on a stock pile of studies you will never see.
• They are misleading. The conclusions that come from studies are dangerous simply because they are interpreting them from shady data.  See number 1 and then think about some of the bad things that can come from that.  If I ask you if your headache medication made you feel better a week after you took it, you could say anything in response to that and I will then use that info to *rate* the headache medication.  What happens when you don’t remember all that well?  Or, if you forgot you took something else right after because it didn’t work great.  Now I go and post that info that that medicine wasn’t good or that it was great and it really wasn’t.  This is what many people are using nowadays as their litmus for decisions.  Frightening.  Think of how many butter vs. margarine studies there are and then shudder.
• They are suppressed. There are a whole bunch of studies out there you will never see.  That stresses me out the more I think about it.  Big industries like dairy and beef or megalomaniacs like Monsanto suppress so much information that would benefit the public it is awful.  They either distort it or suppress it.  Either way, it’s terrible.

I do want to say that the ones done like the good ole days are very valuable to us and those are the ones that I am trying to sift through and save.  As much as I love a good study, I love experience even more.  If I can round up some good pics for you, I have a good series coming on body types.  Y’alls need to know what your potential is.  As always, hang tight for more!  And put down that chocolate! Woop woop!:o)

We have some bad habits.  It’s true.  Beyond our bad habits, though, lie some disturbing and tortuous habits that have been born out of survival and strange Greek mythology.  I’m not sure where some of them came from, but we’re going to talk about these things because they affect us long term and erode our dieting process.   We’re also going to talk about how we eat our food, what kind of food we eat, what we put on it and how all of these things can sometimes set us up for:

The Big Binge

Although this sounds like a lot of food, for many of us it usually isn’t.  All we need is a jar of peanut butter, a few slices of toast and 2 bananas and we have ourselves a Big Binge.   This does not happen regularly and we’re not always sure of what brings it on so diving into this series may help.  One thing is for sure, though, we feel like crap right after and we throw out all peanut butter for at least 3 days.  Then we go shopping and somehow it miraculously ends up in the cart again.  Very strange.

The Endless Cheat Meal

This is the meal that starts on Saturday night and ends some time Monday morning when we feel it’s safe to start dieting again.  This isn’t an all out gorge, it’s more like an unstructured hodge podge of “little bit of this, little bit of that” because our oatmeal and egg whites are about as appealing as our mates worn underwear.   If left unchecked, it can easily become…

The Behind Closed Doors Scoffing

“Monday” has come and gone and we still do not have full focus but we’re not way off track either.  No, we have some restraint but it’s interrupted daily with some kind of cookie, chip, nibble or sneak that no one else sees (so we don’t have to acknowledge or own it).  Not only do we conveniently ‘forget’ that we had those nibbles, but we will vehemently deny them to our spouse/boyfriend/mate if they catch us behind the door in the act.  Shameful.

The Que Sera Sera Menu

My heart goes out to any woman who has this menu right now.  I have a tendency to run into people in various places and inevitably someone will attack me and say, “Could you please just make me a diet?  Just tell me what to eat.  Don’t make me have to choose.  PLEASE!”  You know my answer is always, “NO.”  But why are they there?  Because they are eating ‘whatever will be, will be’ every day of the week.  They’ve been eating the same menu since the last solar eclipse and they are ready to take an eyeball out for it.  I can’t say this enough, though…giving you a menu will not solve this so you’ll have to keep up with the series.  Sorry.

The Militant Madness

Here’s where we all want to be because we think this is nirvana.  Tupperware containers stacked in the fridge with just the right amount of food in each ready to go for the next few days.  No fuss, no muss.  However, we’re not eating it.  We’ll “forget” in the fridge and run out to work or we’ll bring it but someone will ask us to go to lunch and we ditch it.  We’re eating anything and everything other than our perfectly packed Tupperware.  What’s up with that?

As always, before l launch into this series I need to remind you real quick of how I use the term diet.  I am not referring to it as something that you go on for a particular amount of time that restricts food, life and all enjoyment of anything worthwhile.  Rather, I use it as a verb and it describes the act of you eating clean food but not necessarily in a restrictive, bland sort of tortuous sense.  At all times we are ‘dieting’ because, in essence, we are different than the general population that eats whatever they want whenever they want since we choose to eat only unprocessed foods in a ‘small meal all day long’ fashion.  This is important for you to remember because when I start harping on (because you know I’m good for a rant albeit mild compared to my old self) the types of foods we eat, you won’t be thinking silly thoughts like “I can’t have that while ‘dieting’” because I’ll come and give you a noogie through the computer.

Meet me here over the next few days while I talk about the crazy neurotransmitters that make us do what we do as well as our own destructive behavior that only exacerbates the issue.  We’re not talking about any of the above scenarios for the next few days; those are just manifestations of the real problem.  We’re going to focus on taste, texture, smell and so on because they’re the real culprits.  Hang tight. Woop woop!:o)

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So you know that I have been to the doctor’s office this week, but what you may not know is that I have now been 4 times in less than a week for various other things.  I don’t know if you do this but I tend to group my appointments all at the same time.  So I have found myself sitting in the back area of the offices—not in a waiting room but not in an individual office either—getting a peek at other patients being oriented for their visits.  This includes watching other women getting “weighed in” for their visits.  This got me thinking…

We have various reactions to the number on the scale and depending on what’s going on in our lives it can change our reaction.  Here are some things that we do in response to the scale:

WEIGHING OURSELVES IN THE MORNING

If we get up in a good mood and we like how we feel, we’ll step on the scale.

At this point the scale is either going to agree with how we feel (i.e. give us a good number) and in that case we can get dressed and go to work with no hassle.  We may pick out something a bit on the body hugging side because—hey, the scale said we can.  So bright colors abound and difficult material like khaki on us somewhere, we’re living on the edge.  If the scale disagrees with what we were feeling (i.e. it’s mysteriously up 2 to 4 pounds without cause), we are now suddenly dressing for a funeral.  You can pretty much figure out when someone else has done this when they come into work wearing black pants, a black camisole covered by a black sweater and a pair of easy spirit type black shoes on.  Short of her singing an Amish hymn, you know something’s up.

If we get up in a bad mood and we hate how we feel, we’ll step on the scale.

Why do we do this?  To punish ourselves, of course.  So if the scale disagrees with us and is actually down a pound or two we have 1 of 2 reactions:  a) we’ll think that’s bull crap because we know we look like junk so now all of a sudden the scale is not an accurate litmus wheras the day before we were using it to validate life on Mars or b) we’ll accept it but find ourselves an hour later buying something we so don’t need to eat because we’re in a bad mood thinking to ourselves that ‘we have a pound to spare so who cares’.  No matter what, though, we hate how we feel so we cannot celebrate the number.  It’s lying.  But if the scale agrees with the way we are feeling and is up a pound or two, we are bringing the Wrath of Khan to work that day.  If we can unleash the Crackin’ we will.  If we could make it rain outside, we’d do whatever dance we could because now…heading into our closet, it’s not about funeral—it’s about frump!  If it is too big, baggy, ugly, plain, banned in modern civilization or found on the floor that morning—it’s going on.  Nothing can save this day other than winning the lottery or finding out something vindicating about someone else.  Other than that, the day is shot.

WEIGHING OURSELVES LATER IN THE DAY

This in and of itself is an anomaly so when it happens there’s always a reason:

• We are on a losing streak so essentially we want to brag to ourselves by seeing the number late in the day with our clothes on, after eating still be lower than whatever our litmus number was.
• We don’t want to know how much we really weigh so if we weigh ourselves during the day with our clothes on after eating all day, we know it is better than whatever that number was.
• We had a bad day and what better way to top it off than weigh ourselves midday so we can further dump on the day.
• We want to weigh ourselves in the morning and convince ourselves we lost X amount of pounds overnight because we didn’t eat something we passed on that day.

PUBLIC WEIGHING

Whether this is done in a doctor’s office or in the bathroom of your gym, the reaction is the thing we try to suppress:

ABSORPTION This is when there is no reaction to the number on the scale but there is slight delay in her movement.  Silently she just screamed and you were allowed to witness it.

MUTTERING She’s pissed but she can’t hide it although she’s not one to cut up in public.  So she just told that scale where to go in a not-so-aggressive sort of way.

SHOCK This is the girl who steps on and off the scale at least 4 times before coming back to the scale with a dumbbell of known weight to check the accuracy.  Trust me, after verification she’ll move on to MUTTERING or HATRED.

EXCITEMENT Much like shock but with less tension.  She’ll get on and off the scale more times than a cured ham at a deli counter just to make sure.  If she is really happy and totally self absorbed, she may have a friend hop on to verify who may be the opposite and head into SHOCK followed by MUTTERING.  That’s a good time to get out of the bathroom.

UNBELIEF Just like shock but is now followed by EXCITEMENT.  This may bring on HATRED (see below) if the girl in her naiveté says something dumb like, “And I’m not even trying.”  Or worse… “And after all that I ate this weekend.”  Run.  Get out fast.  Could be a brawl by the showers.

HATRED If this is in the doctor’s office, the patient will say she weighed herself that morning and tell the NP what it was in an abrupt tone.  This is a polite way of saying, “Bug off! You’re not messing up MY day.”  If this is in the gym, when the EXCITEMENT or UNBELIEF girl steps off the scale, this woman will come along and say that the scale reads low and she needs to add a few pounds to her reading to be accurate.  Nasty stuff right there.

What a nuisance that box is.  Have you done any of these?  I’ve done a few.  Let me know below!  More to come…  Woop woop!!

Normally I would use a story like this to lead into a series but since this is the week of randomness, this isn’t going to lead me into anything but drama.  And to tell you the truth, I would have it no other way.

I recently had a doctor’s appointment that was really a consultation for a procedure that I want done.  I am going to immediately dispel some rumors right now so I can move on with the story.  I did not go to find out about…

• Plastic surgery. With my luck, I’d be on the table and they would have lost what I wanted done so they would just wing it.  And then charge me extra, cuz that’s how it always happens with me.  Not only do they get my order wrong, but then they charge me for it to boot.
• Removing warts, skin tags or wisdom teeth. I’m too old for that stuff.  You do that in your late 20’s and early 30’s when it makes a difference.  Right now I’d be afraid they’d mistake something usable on my body for that and take it off while I still need it.  And then they’d charge me for it, too.  See #1.
• Liposuction or tucking anything anywhere. There is no need for that.  I am about 5 to 8 years away from my skin sagging enough that I can do it myself for free using duct tape.  I’d never pay for that.
• Any other miscellaneous, nefarious, random, exotic thing out there. Nothing exciting over here.  Boring.

But I went to the girlie doc for this consultation and it was supposed to be a simple discussion about the possible things that could happen if I go ahead with it.  The doctor himself was the nicest guy.   A little on the awkward side but you would be too if you were a girlie doc all day long.  I’ve had 3 kids and I have yet to meet a socially acceptable male girlie doc.  He had no problem explaining all the ins and outs of the procedure to me and didn’t try to sugar coat anything he told me.

Now for me to have this consultation, I was weighed (who remembers Ginny), blood pressure measured and heart listened to all for me to sit in this office and hear about the procedure.  Not to have it done; just to hear about it.  So I get this feeling that this guy is very thorough.  I have never met him before, I only need to know him to have this done so I have no idea what he’s like and he has no idea that I’m unhinged a bit dramatic at times.  All is going well until the end when he says, “Oh.  And for me to do this, I need to give you the Depo Provera shot for at least 6 months.”  He said it like he was saying something as nonchalant as how his day went that day to his wife.   First, for what I am having done, no I don’t need to have a Depo shot.  It is completely unnecessary and it’s like he’s throwing it in there because I’ll be on the table.  It would be like me telling someone to pick up something they dropped and while they were bent over I ‘might as well do a proctology exam since I have access’.  Really right now?  Second, he would have been better off telling me that he was going to make me clean all his instruments for the day…by hand…with no gloves…in a kitchen sink…than tell me that.  I almost Lost. My. Mind.

Let me lay down some foundational information for you so you can understand why my afro grew 2 feet in the office and the doctor now will never see the original version of Clash of the Titans again (the remake was awful).  If you are new to my blog, you may not know my history.  About 7 years ago I gained a little less than 55 pounds in four months due to some heinous shenanigans on my part through bad dieting but also from the bad hormone dosing on my doctor’s part and then went through heck trying to get it off.  Not all the way there, yet, either.  The chief culprit given to me back then?  Depo Provera.  And with every round that I went through, I gained an average of 15 pounds.  By the third round I was done.  I was also sufficiently obese.  And then I got pregnant–immeditately.  OY.

So here is Johnny Come Lately with his Depo shot comment and he follows it up with, “And you may gain a pound or two but you can take that off…”  He didn’t get to finish the sentence.  Both my butt cheeks held me down to the table while the inside of me took a page from the book of Jimmy Snuka Fly and leapt onto that man’s head like a cat on a mouse.  Who can just imagine this conversation that started with, “Just 2 pounds?!!!!” and ended with something along the lines of, “You have no idea who you are talking to…?” while tufts of hair are flying around the room like disrupted feathers.  And then I cried.  Needless to say, they’ll be no Depo.

Ok.  So my point of all of this?

1)      Do not take a hormone for any reason what-so-ever unless you know without a shadow of a doubt that it is necessary.  They make you feel powerless and you are not.  You can say no.  And please do.

2)      Understand that although they are doctors, they do not always have your best interest in mind.

3)      Drug companies have a big stake in what goes in your body whether you realize that or not.

4)      Docs get paid big bucks for that and the reason why he wanted me to take the hormone was so that he could be the one who did the procedure.  It’s all based on timing and without the Depo, there’s no guarantee.  Shame.

5)      Lastly, Knot Today hair elixir mixed with Curl Assurance Fix hair gel makes my hair smell yummy.  Thinking about that in the appt calmed me down.  Felt like letting you know that.

And so the random week goes…  Woop woop!! )

I am losing my mind today.  Actually, this started sometime over the weekend and it’s spilling into Monday.  I loathe when I am like this and it is not very often, but still.  Right now, I have ants in my pants and I need to dance.  Yes, I know. You’re saying, “What the heck are you talking about?”  Only, you know what I’m talking about.  We all go through it at some time.

I have no idea what I am doing with myself.  I don’t mean career-wise—although that’s debatable—and I don’t mean with my family either seeing as they traded me in for a newer and better model.  I mean with myself workout-wise.  I’m in that dreaded place and you’ll know what I’m talking about in a minute when I describe it.  But I saw this coming slowly (as in the The Matrix kind of speed) and could do nothing about it.  And now it’s here.

I have ZERO focus.

This is not the same as “having nothing”.  This is better than that but not as good as “I’ve got sumthin”.  I have no desire to do what I am doing for workouts but I do want to workout.  And I have no desire to start something that requires a commitment, because that’s not where my head space is, so I’m not looking for the “newest and greatest” thing out right now.  This purgatory is the same as that annoying state that we enter when we want to go out to dinner with someone and for an hour or two you play the, “no really, wherever you want to go” game.  UGH!

I woke up and felt a blanket of “blah” come over me like an ugly quilt on a patterned couch.  It was terrible.  And stuff like this stinks.  In some form or another it sticks with you all day like an old mildew smell.  All day today I’ve been off my rhythm.  It’s like I’m 15 minutes late for everything even though I’m not.  If I’m not smart about this and begin to get this in check, I could start pulling out old stuff like a Billy Blanks Tae Boe original VHS tape and try and drum up some hoopla in my living room.  There’s nothing like sweating to some bad 70’s porn music playing in the background while watching some chiseled abs do what I can’t right now.  I’m seriously getting desperate today.  I don’t want this to hang around too long.

I get up at 4:00am every morning and the thing I love the most is that it is dead quiet in the house.  Typically at this time my focus is razor sharp as long as I stay awake at my desk. This morning, however, I was like a super ball let loose in a bingo ball machine.  I was all over the place.  It was like workout ADD.  Please say I am not the only one who has ever gone through this:  you know, you have 2 kb’s, one bosu, a resistance band, 2 cones and zero focus.  What is that about?

This happens at the gym, too, but we can play this off a little better and look semi focused by passing away on a piece of useless cardio (not enough focus for the step mill) or setting up a bunch of equipment for at least 20 min.  Do one set of something and then spend another 20 min. dismantling all the equipment you just set up.  It works like a charm in terms of smoke and mirrors.  If you have never done this, I’d be in shock if you haven’t at least witnessed it once.  Next time you see it, think of me.   If you’re not sure if you’re where I’m at right now, here’s your checklist:

You are in a good place with workouts if:

• Gym opens at 5:00am and you’re there at 4:55 escorting the gym staff to the door and you brought them a coffee.
• Your outfit matches your towel.
• Your outfit matches your towel and your water bottle.
• You forgot your ipod and you don’t care.  (Insert sneakers, gym clothes, whatever)
• You forgot your workout and you remember it enough to still do it.
• You sign up to work out with either Kas or Heather.  Those two are sick.

You are in a bad place with workouts if:

• The alarm goes off and you stomp it down with a shoe.
• You use your printed program as a coaster for your coffee.
• You pack your gym bag in the closet with the seasonal stuff.
• You don’t go to the gym and not only do you not care, you begin to talk others out from going.
• You pull into the Coldstone next to the gym instead going to the gym.

You are in purgatory with me with your workouts if:

• You go to work out in your basement but instead of working out you end up going up and down the stairs at least 5 times because you have to…pee, change clothes, get water, get more water, you heard a noise…
• You go to the gym and forget your stuff in the car so you go back out.  Then you go in and realize you brought everything but your sneakers so you go back.  And then you left your workout on the front seat.  And…
• You start by doing timed sets…but didn’t finish because you remembered you wanted to superset some stuff instead…but now your short on time so a complex makes sense right now…but you just did that so…
• You want to work out outside but it’s too cold.  So you find a piece of cardio next to the window in the gym and just stare outside and pine…

I pray to be out of this by the end of the week.  Feel free to share in my misery.  New series coming soon.  Hang tight!  Woop woop!

I’ve been yapping again, ladies, and I find myself saying a lot of the same things to folks who I am typically not working with.  So if you have never had a chance to ask me something, you may have been wondering something below.  Here are this month’s common questions or conversations I have had outside of my day to day stuff:

It’s not about what you don’t eat; it’s about what you do. Almost everyone at some point asks me how do you stop eating the crap.  I have been through this one a hundred times so I’ll spare you the details today and instead, remind you of the most important fact when it comes to food:  math.  You know I love it and it truly rules.  Stop worrying about what you snuck in for the day and instead focus on what you didn’t get in because it’s what you are lacking that is hurting you more. If you ate 1400 cals worth of clean protein, carb and fat and had 100 cals worth of crap (that you ate behind the couch when no one was looking…shame) all in the same day, that would mean that 7% of what you ate for the day was crap.  Or better yet…93% was darn good!  Now look at how silly that is to worry about that 7%.  You still got an A- for the day.  Really right now with the stress?  WITH THAT BEING SAID!… before you bury yourself into a jar of peanut butter or lose it on the bowl of chocolate in the office, EAT YOUR DESIGNATED FOOD FOR THAT TIME.  If you have room afterward, go for it.  You will not eat anywhere near as much and that’s the key.  But denial doesn’t work.  Trust me.

Your body has zero discernment. “Is it better if I…”  Stop asking me questions?  Yes.  Oops…did I say that?  But who knows how I am going to finish this sentence?  Is it better if I:  kettlebell train, run vs. other cardio, lift before or after cardio, take a fish oil cap and so on instead of [fill in the blank]?  Can I just be so blunt here?  Honestly?  Will you come back and read my blog again if I go here?  (I’m just wondering.)  The person who asks me this question will typically benefit from just “doing”.  Doing anything.  Run to get the phone, run to the shower, run out of gas…who cares.  Just run.  Some of us are using “getting our stuff together” as cardio in and of itself.  You’re worn out creating the perfect plan.  Just do something.  None of you are getting ready for the Olympics so just get on with it already.  Really.  And this goes back to math again:  Your body has no idea whether you lifted a barbell, dumbbell, carousel or seashell, all it knows is that it was heavy and it must respond to that.  Don’t over think it.  Unless you’re using it for avoidance…

Is it your body or is it your circumstances? Are you really gaining weight or are you stressed out?  Are your jeans really that much tighter or is a big project coming up at work?  Do you really hate that little tiny piece of your inner thigh that is jiggly or are you in a fierce battle with your sister in laws?  Are your legs bigger than normal or are your kids out of control right now?  If you “suddenly” hate your body or any aspect of it, stop and assess what’s going on in your life at that time.  We tend to try to manage our problems in life through the scale because it’s controllable.  It’s easy to manage.  And it gives us a chance to say we “suck” and we’re ALWAYS looking for a chance to say we suck.  Knock it off.  Get out of the mirror.  You were fine yesterday and you’re just as fine today.  Now that mole, though…

Fish oil is not the same as fish oil caps. Should I have fish oil caps or fish oil?  Yes.  Oh, I just answered your question.  I know you’re thinking I didn’t but I did.  The two are not the same.  You would never ask me, “Broccoli or my multivitamin?”  You would have them both.  So, fish oil= all the benefits of caps plus pretty hair, skin, teeth, nails; reduction in stretch marks and loose skin; and better body composition.  Fish oil caps=increased cognitive skills, fat loss, hormone enhancement, anti-inflammatory properties and eye health.  Stop avoiding the fish oil please.

Skip the quotes and do the work. I love quotes, I use them a lot when blogging.  They’re cool and catchy and can be quite motivating at times.  But when it comes down to the get down, go through the process.  Do the work.  Sweat it out.  I don’t mean in the gym.  I mean in life.  Whatever is getting you down.  Whatever is bothering you.  Face it.  Stop trying to throw a quote up on your desk and “power through it” like you’re some kind of machine.  Here’s the deal:  it’s the process that makes us stronger, not denial.  Acting like there isn’t a problem and using a quote to get you through does not make you stronger—it makes you harder.  Which would you rather be?  A strong woman?  Or a hard woman?  Do. The. Work.  Cry if you need to.  Own what you must.  Call it what it is.  Humble yourself when necessary.  Speak firmly when it calls for it.  But under no circumstances are you allowed to hide under your desk, throw out a quote and wait for it to pass.  Not only is that ineffective, but I am already under the desk and there is no room down here for more!  Get out.

Whether I am working with you or not, I love you.  I hope you know that.  See you tomorrow… woop woop!

Last week’s series was great because I had a ton of you asking me a ton of questions (which is always a good thing).  It’s good mainly because I love to answer questions…unless you’re one of my children…and I just got on the phone.  Let me focus.

The number one question asked was,  “Am I skinny fat?”  Or basically, what constitutes being skinny fat?  And the way it was asked was like I had some big book on the side of my desk about the size of an almanac that had all kinds of guidelines and questions in it like what’s in “other natural flavors” and “do bananas have seeds”.  It was quite interesting and quite telling.

First, you should know by now you can’t ask me a question like that because I’m just going to go into a ten minute over the top diatribe about fat levels and our perception of ourselves vs. gaining muscle and so on that in the end is tragic and hard to listen to.  I think in a polite way I am referring to myself as a blowhard.  Whatever.  If the shoe fits…

Second, what you’re really asking me is, “I know you can’t see me right now, cuz this is just through email an’all, but…is the small farm animal hanging off my backside…fat?  Or is it just displaced muscle?  Because I have been ignoring it for months and I was hoping you would alleviate my fears by telling me I’m ok.”  Honestly, you know I won’t get on board with any of that so stop asking me to call you fat.  Personally, I am not a fan of the term but seeing as ‘thin body wrapped in strategically placed insulation to keep the woman warm’ wasn’t a big hit, I’m going with skinny fat for now.

Third, it is just too hard to put into words what it is because as soon as you do that, the exception walks into the room.  (Who can guess how much I people watch and observe body types?)

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not “fat”, unattractive, useless and whatever other negative word you may want to put in there because you have extra body fat.  What you are, though, is unhealthy and that concerns me more.  Weight is an indicator that something is wrong in Dodge but when it is absent, what’s left is undetected illness.  Stay on top of your healthy habits.  Cool?

So I am not going to give you a hard and fast rule, but I will give you some ideas by telling you that skinny fat girls:

Put NASA on alert

One of the things about being SF (makes me feel better about the term) is that they are smooshy.  They look good in clothing but when they are not in clothing much more is revealed about their current eating habits.  In other words, if you can take a size 4 body and shove it into a size 2 pair of pants in such a way that when you take them off a sonic boom is released into the atmosphere from the expansion, you may be on your way to SF.  Now you would think that about *any* size girl, but not so!  With SF girls, they still *look* good in those size 2’s.

Are Off the Charts

Most of us have no idea what is an appropriate amount of body fat to have once we have entered into the clean eating zone.  We start out looking ok/good—basically, not bad per se—at about 22% body fat.  We fully invest ourselves into the eating and lifting regimen for a season or so and can get down to as low as 11-14% body fat.  We realize we need a break from killing ourselves and ease up to about 16 -17%, which is awesome but now we think we’re obese.  Really right now?!  So our idea of what’s an acceptable body fat level is not exactly what I would call a ‘good litmus’.  BUT, if you are a grown woman and fit into your doctor’s weight chart as an acceptable weight for your age (because let’s face it, those charts are biased toward prepubescent nymphs that live in a fairy land somewhere) and your body fat % is 24% or over, you may be skinny fat.  So if you’re 5’9”, weigh 125 pounds and are 25% body fat…you would be…really SF.

Are Like Cockroaches and Taxes

…they have just always “been”.  Almost all SF girls have been just that—SF—all their lives.  Yeah they may fluctuate a few pounds here and there (as much as 15 and then qualify for NASA) but for the most part, dey small gurls.  Small.  Real small.    And not much is changing that other than hardcore prayers from some haters and maybe a bad, bad, bad break up.  But other than that, that’s who they are.  So…if you dieted down to that small of size but also, that high of body fat level—that’s not SF.  That’s bad dieting.  You need to knock your coach upside his/her head and hope that your weight doesn’t bounce back up like a superball dropped from the roof of your house.

So there you have it.  If I met you and assessed you and you had any of these things, the only thing that I would think is:

• You need to clean up your diet.
• You need to lift heavy and smart.
• Cardio is not the answer.
• Watch out for alcohol, it’s not your friend.

That’s it.  Nothing more.  So no more asking me questions phrased in a way that I can hear the fear coming through the email.  You, like the rest of us, just have some bad habits that need attention but you are still worthy and gorgeous as far as we are concerned.  Cool?  Woop woop!!