Normally I would use a story like this to lead into a series but since this is the week of randomness, this isn’t going to lead me into anything but drama.  And to tell you the truth, I would have it no other way.

I recently had a doctor’s appointment that was really a consultation for a procedure that I want done.  I am going to immediately dispel some rumors right now so I can move on with the story.  I did not go to find out about…

• Plastic surgery. With my luck, I’d be on the table and they would have lost what I wanted done so they would just wing it.  And then charge me extra, cuz that’s how it always happens with me.  Not only do they get my order wrong, but then they charge me for it to boot.
• Removing warts, skin tags or wisdom teeth. I’m too old for that stuff.  You do that in your late 20’s and early 30’s when it makes a difference.  Right now I’d be afraid they’d mistake something usable on my body for that and take it off while I still need it.  And then they’d charge me for it, too.  See #1.
• Liposuction or tucking anything anywhere. There is no need for that.  I am about 5 to 8 years away from my skin sagging enough that I can do it myself for free using duct tape.  I’d never pay for that.
• Any other miscellaneous, nefarious, random, exotic thing out there. Nothing exciting over here.  Boring.

But I went to the girlie doc for this consultation and it was supposed to be a simple discussion about the possible things that could happen if I go ahead with it.  The doctor himself was the nicest guy.   A little on the awkward side but you would be too if you were a girlie doc all day long.  I’ve had 3 kids and I have yet to meet a socially acceptable male girlie doc.  He had no problem explaining all the ins and outs of the procedure to me and didn’t try to sugar coat anything he told me.

Now for me to have this consultation, I was weighed (who remembers Ginny), blood pressure measured and heart listened to all for me to sit in this office and hear about the procedure.  Not to have it done; just to hear about it.  So I get this feeling that this guy is very thorough.  I have never met him before, I only need to know him to have this done so I have no idea what he’s like and he has no idea that I’m unhinged a bit dramatic at times.  All is going well until the end when he says, “Oh.  And for me to do this, I need to give you the Depo Provera shot for at least 6 months.”  He said it like he was saying something as nonchalant as how his day went that day to his wife.   First, for what I am having done, no I don’t need to have a Depo shot.  It is completely unnecessary and it’s like he’s throwing it in there because I’ll be on the table.  It would be like me telling someone to pick up something they dropped and while they were bent over I ‘might as well do a proctology exam since I have access’.  Really right now?  Second, he would have been better off telling me that he was going to make me clean all his instruments for the day…by hand…with no gloves…in a kitchen sink…than tell me that.  I almost Lost. My. Mind.

Let me lay down some foundational information for you so you can understand why my afro grew 2 feet in the office and the doctor now will never see the original version of Clash of the Titans again (the remake was awful).  If you are new to my blog, you may not know my history.  About 7 years ago I gained a little less than 55 pounds in four months due to some heinous shenanigans on my part through bad dieting but also from the bad hormone dosing on my doctor’s part and then went through heck trying to get it off.  Not all the way there, yet, either.  The chief culprit given to me back then?  Depo Provera.  And with every round that I went through, I gained an average of 15 pounds.  By the third round I was done.  I was also sufficiently obese.  And then I got pregnant–immeditately.  OY.

So here is Johnny Come Lately with his Depo shot comment and he follows it up with, “And you may gain a pound or two but you can take that off…”  He didn’t get to finish the sentence.  Both my butt cheeks held me down to the table while the inside of me took a page from the book of Jimmy Snuka Fly and leapt onto that man’s head like a cat on a mouse.  Who can just imagine this conversation that started with, “Just 2 pounds?!!!!” and ended with something along the lines of, “You have no idea who you are talking to…?” while tufts of hair are flying around the room like disrupted feathers.  And then I cried.  Needless to say, they’ll be no Depo.

Ok.  So my point of all of this?

1)      Do not take a hormone for any reason what-so-ever unless you know without a shadow of a doubt that it is necessary.  They make you feel powerless and you are not.  You can say no.  And please do.

2)      Understand that although they are doctors, they do not always have your best interest in mind.

3)      Drug companies have a big stake in what goes in your body whether you realize that or not.

4)      Docs get paid big bucks for that and the reason why he wanted me to take the hormone was so that he could be the one who did the procedure.  It’s all based on timing and without the Depo, there’s no guarantee.  Shame.

5)      Lastly, Knot Today hair elixir mixed with Curl Assurance Fix hair gel makes my hair smell yummy.  Thinking about that in the appt calmed me down.  Felt like letting you know that.

And so the random week goes…  Woop woop!! )

I am losing my mind today.  Actually, this started sometime over the weekend and it’s spilling into Monday.  I loathe when I am like this and it is not very often, but still.  Right now, I have ants in my pants and I need to dance.  Yes, I know. You’re saying, “What the heck are you talking about?”  Only, you know what I’m talking about.  We all go through it at some time.

I have no idea what I am doing with myself.  I don’t mean career-wise—although that’s debatable—and I don’t mean with my family either seeing as they traded me in for a newer and better model.  I mean with myself workout-wise.  I’m in that dreaded place and you’ll know what I’m talking about in a minute when I describe it.  But I saw this coming slowly (as in the The Matrix kind of speed) and could do nothing about it.  And now it’s here.

I have ZERO focus.

This is not the same as “having nothing”.  This is better than that but not as good as “I’ve got sumthin”.  I have no desire to do what I am doing for workouts but I do want to workout.  And I have no desire to start something that requires a commitment, because that’s not where my head space is, so I’m not looking for the “newest and greatest” thing out right now.  This purgatory is the same as that annoying state that we enter when we want to go out to dinner with someone and for an hour or two you play the, “no really, wherever you want to go” game.  UGH!

I woke up and felt a blanket of “blah” come over me like an ugly quilt on a patterned couch.  It was terrible.  And stuff like this stinks.  In some form or another it sticks with you all day like an old mildew smell.  All day today I’ve been off my rhythm.  It’s like I’m 15 minutes late for everything even though I’m not.  If I’m not smart about this and begin to get this in check, I could start pulling out old stuff like a Billy Blanks Tae Boe original VHS tape and try and drum up some hoopla in my living room.  There’s nothing like sweating to some bad 70’s porn music playing in the background while watching some chiseled abs do what I can’t right now.  I’m seriously getting desperate today.  I don’t want this to hang around too long.

I get up at 4:00am every morning and the thing I love the most is that it is dead quiet in the house.  Typically at this time my focus is razor sharp as long as I stay awake at my desk. This morning, however, I was like a super ball let loose in a bingo ball machine.  I was all over the place.  It was like workout ADD.  Please say I am not the only one who has ever gone through this:  you know, you have 2 kb’s, one bosu, a resistance band, 2 cones and zero focus.  What is that about?

This happens at the gym, too, but we can play this off a little better and look semi focused by passing away on a piece of useless cardio (not enough focus for the step mill) or setting up a bunch of equipment for at least 20 min.  Do one set of something and then spend another 20 min. dismantling all the equipment you just set up.  It works like a charm in terms of smoke and mirrors.  If you have never done this, I’d be in shock if you haven’t at least witnessed it once.  Next time you see it, think of me.   If you’re not sure if you’re where I’m at right now, here’s your checklist:

You are in a good place with workouts if:

• Gym opens at 5:00am and you’re there at 4:55 escorting the gym staff to the door and you brought them a coffee.
• Your outfit matches your towel.
• Your outfit matches your towel and your water bottle.
• You forgot your ipod and you don’t care.  (Insert sneakers, gym clothes, whatever)
• You forgot your workout and you remember it enough to still do it.
• You sign up to work out with either Kas or Heather.  Those two are sick.

You are in a bad place with workouts if:

• The alarm goes off and you stomp it down with a shoe.
• You use your printed program as a coaster for your coffee.
• You pack your gym bag in the closet with the seasonal stuff.
• You don’t go to the gym and not only do you not care, you begin to talk others out from going.
• You pull into the Coldstone next to the gym instead going to the gym.

You are in purgatory with me with your workouts if:

• You go to work out in your basement but instead of working out you end up going up and down the stairs at least 5 times because you have to…pee, change clothes, get water, get more water, you heard a noise…
• You go to the gym and forget your stuff in the car so you go back out.  Then you go in and realize you brought everything but your sneakers so you go back.  And then you left your workout on the front seat.  And…
• You start by doing timed sets…but didn’t finish because you remembered you wanted to superset some stuff instead…but now your short on time so a complex makes sense right now…but you just did that so…
• You want to work out outside but it’s too cold.  So you find a piece of cardio next to the window in the gym and just stare outside and pine…

I pray to be out of this by the end of the week.  Feel free to share in my misery.  New series coming soon.  Hang tight!  Woop woop!

I’ve been yapping again, ladies, and I find myself saying a lot of the same things to folks who I am typically not working with.  So if you have never had a chance to ask me something, you may have been wondering something below.  Here are this month’s common questions or conversations I have had outside of my day to day stuff:

It’s not about what you don’t eat; it’s about what you do. Almost everyone at some point asks me how do you stop eating the crap.  I have been through this one a hundred times so I’ll spare you the details today and instead, remind you of the most important fact when it comes to food:  math.  You know I love it and it truly rules.  Stop worrying about what you snuck in for the day and instead focus on what you didn’t get in because it’s what you are lacking that is hurting you more. If you ate 1400 cals worth of clean protein, carb and fat and had 100 cals worth of crap (that you ate behind the couch when no one was looking…shame) all in the same day, that would mean that 7% of what you ate for the day was crap.  Or better yet…93% was darn good!  Now look at how silly that is to worry about that 7%.  You still got an A- for the day.  Really right now with the stress?  WITH THAT BEING SAID!… before you bury yourself into a jar of peanut butter or lose it on the bowl of chocolate in the office, EAT YOUR DESIGNATED FOOD FOR THAT TIME.  If you have room afterward, go for it.  You will not eat anywhere near as much and that’s the key.  But denial doesn’t work.  Trust me.

Your body has zero discernment. “Is it better if I…”  Stop asking me questions?  Yes.  Oops…did I say that?  But who knows how I am going to finish this sentence?  Is it better if I:  kettlebell train, run vs. other cardio, lift before or after cardio, take a fish oil cap and so on instead of [fill in the blank]?  Can I just be so blunt here?  Honestly?  Will you come back and read my blog again if I go here?  (I’m just wondering.)  The person who asks me this question will typically benefit from just “doing”.  Doing anything.  Run to get the phone, run to the shower, run out of gas…who cares.  Just run.  Some of us are using “getting our stuff together” as cardio in and of itself.  You’re worn out creating the perfect plan.  Just do something.  None of you are getting ready for the Olympics so just get on with it already.  Really.  And this goes back to math again:  Your body has no idea whether you lifted a barbell, dumbbell, carousel or seashell, all it knows is that it was heavy and it must respond to that.  Don’t over think it.  Unless you’re using it for avoidance…

Is it your body or is it your circumstances? Are you really gaining weight or are you stressed out?  Are your jeans really that much tighter or is a big project coming up at work?  Do you really hate that little tiny piece of your inner thigh that is jiggly or are you in a fierce battle with your sister in laws?  Are your legs bigger than normal or are your kids out of control right now?  If you “suddenly” hate your body or any aspect of it, stop and assess what’s going on in your life at that time.  We tend to try to manage our problems in life through the scale because it’s controllable.  It’s easy to manage.  And it gives us a chance to say we “suck” and we’re ALWAYS looking for a chance to say we suck.  Knock it off.  Get out of the mirror.  You were fine yesterday and you’re just as fine today.  Now that mole, though…

Fish oil is not the same as fish oil caps. Should I have fish oil caps or fish oil?  Yes.  Oh, I just answered your question.  I know you’re thinking I didn’t but I did.  The two are not the same.  You would never ask me, “Broccoli or my multivitamin?”  You would have them both.  So, fish oil= all the benefits of caps plus pretty hair, skin, teeth, nails; reduction in stretch marks and loose skin; and better body composition.  Fish oil caps=increased cognitive skills, fat loss, hormone enhancement, anti-inflammatory properties and eye health.  Stop avoiding the fish oil please.

Skip the quotes and do the work. I love quotes, I use them a lot when blogging.  They’re cool and catchy and can be quite motivating at times.  But when it comes down to the get down, go through the process.  Do the work.  Sweat it out.  I don’t mean in the gym.  I mean in life.  Whatever is getting you down.  Whatever is bothering you.  Face it.  Stop trying to throw a quote up on your desk and “power through it” like you’re some kind of machine.  Here’s the deal:  it’s the process that makes us stronger, not denial.  Acting like there isn’t a problem and using a quote to get you through does not make you stronger—it makes you harder.  Which would you rather be?  A strong woman?  Or a hard woman?  Do. The. Work.  Cry if you need to.  Own what you must.  Call it what it is.  Humble yourself when necessary.  Speak firmly when it calls for it.  But under no circumstances are you allowed to hide under your desk, throw out a quote and wait for it to pass.  Not only is that ineffective, but I am already under the desk and there is no room down here for more!  Get out.

Whether I am working with you or not, I love you.  I hope you know that.  See you tomorrow… woop woop!

Yes.  The device went dead.  Here’s the million dollar question:  What does it take to get it back?  Here is a list of things you can do to get your mojo back in no particular order:

Start all over again. I know what you’re thinking: “What is wrong with you, you pelican!  You know I’ve tried that at least 50 times and it hasn’t worked…clown.  Last time I’m reading your blog for any advice.  Sheesh.”  Thank you, I’ll take the beating.  Now shush and listen.  Starting all over again is not going back to what you know and resurrecting it, it’s about starting with something completely new.

• Do not try to eat 5 small meals with the same old chicken and broccoli.  That ain’t gonna cut it.  In fact, I would say start with 3 meals: breakfast, lunch and dinner and then have a snack here and there.
• Give up the thought of trying to eat like you did when you were on point.  Accept anything healthy.  Don’t worry if it is a carb, fruit, protein, Styrofoam—whatever.  Just eat.  If it’s unprocessed, it’s yours.
• Do NOT pick up a fad way of eating:  raw, vegan, paleo or etc. unless that’s what you truly believe in.  This needs to be mindless and easy with absolutely zero pressure.
• Do NOT put a weight loss goal on it or any other type of goal.  JUST HANG OUT FOR A WHILE.

Make 2/3 of your workouts be outside and bodyweight driven. There is something about being a kid again that gets us energized.  I’d ask you to skip to work if I thought you’d do it.  Get up, get out and have fun.

• Do NOT set up a workout to be a body part split unless lifting isn’t your issue.
• Do NOT get 2 feet near an elliptical.  In fact, burn the ones in your gym during prime time.  Although, DO get the people off of the machines first.  They didn’t do anything to you, you know.
• Don’t tell me that it’s winter and it’s cold and blah, blah, blah.  Get up, get out and have fun.
• Do NOT ride the bandwagon of the latest fitness craze.  That only perpetuates the burnout.  But DO do something completely different than what you were doing before that involves all of your bodyweight and agility:  snowshoeing, biking, skiing, hiking, trail running, CATZ and whatever else you can think of that is not lifting or stationary cardio.
• Make general goals like I need to move 4 times this week.  Avoid things like, “I need to lift 3 days and do HIIT 3X’s a week” for now.  They emotionally bog you down and immediately set you up for failure.

Go beneath the water line. You must want this for more than aesthetic reasons and realize that “proving” yourself hardcore is no longer the draw it used to be for your subconscious.  Go down into the deep recesses of your heart and soul and find out why you do this.  Make peace with your thighs.  Love your back fat.  Enjoy your cellulite.  I don’t care how you do it, but move beyond the mirror and start digging in that well spring known as your heart.  Discover other reasons as to why you exercise and eat right.  Now is the time to:

• Journal
• Meditate
• Discover
• Analyze

Now is NEVER the time to:

• Criticize
• Dump on yourself
• Bitch and moan
• Whine

You know this emotional exercise is for you if your immediate thought was, “I don’t have time for this.  I need to lose X amount of pounds.  This stuff is stupid and it’s for those who are too weak to get it done.”  Ding ding ding ding ding!!!!

Change your environment. If you are beaten down right now and trying to get your mojo back but everything that surrounds you binds you to your past, it’s time to move on.  Stop the magazine subscription, block some folks out of your feed on facebook, change gyms if you must and find new friends if need be but do something now.  Don’t let it drag you down even further before you finally cut the umbilical cord.  You are not leaving forever—just until you get healthy.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What bothers you about it?
• Did you ever do the same thing as what bothers you about it?  If so, why/how?
• How does it make you feel?  Why?  If it’s a super strong reaction, note that.
• Where is that coming from?
• What can you do about it?
• Does this feeling crop up every time you start a new program?

These are just a small sample of questions to ask yourself once you de-clutter your mind.  I have a million more but I’ll start you off here.  Last but not least…

Know your fuel source. Find the accelerant.  Remove all the charred material.  Build it again but this time make it fire proof.  Woop woop!

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I want you to envision us just sitting and chatting.  Excuse my afro; it’s a bit unruly today.  And I am still in my night clothes, I hope that’s not awkward for you.  But as we sit and talk, I want you to imagine that this conversation is taking place over several weeks, not in one sitting.  And I want you to imagine that you have told me a lot about you before this conversation is taking place.  The things that make you happy…things from your childhood…all good stuff that you remember shaping you into the woman you are today.  And then I want you to think about the some of the most prominent memories of your childhood that stick out to you instantaneously.  You don’t have to dig.  They’re just sitting there like a book on a table.  And most likely they are not positive.  Now, you’re ready to read.

Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire…

The other day I used the example of laundry as being the thing we were “all about” at the time and I used that on purpose because I wanted to make the point that it doesn’t matter what it is that we’re focusing on, it matters that we’re focused.   This is because if it wasn’t your dream that you took you down, then the fuel source that was giving it life finally burned out.  This flame could have been burning like a raging inferno since you were a kid or it could have had a fresh dose of kerosene poured on it later in life.  Regardless of when it started, it was there or you wouldn’t have been driven.  Denying you have a fuel source is futile, you have one—get over it.  The fact that you lost your mojo says that something went out.  Whether it was a tiny candle or a flame thrower is debatable, but the flame is out.  Gone.  Finito.  Zed.  Zilch.

I refer to us a lot as Type A, driven women.  I want to point out here that they are two separate things.  There are many Type A people out there who are not driven and there are many driven people who are not necessarily Type A, although, the latter is less common.  But being type A is not about a flame.  That’s personality.  Being driven, though, is about a flame and that’s what I want us to focus on.  There is something that is making you like a dog with a bone about whatever it is you want to do and if it burned out, it was not healthy.  Those that can burn for years on end without taking themselves or someone else down with them, either have a healthy fuel source or a lot of fuel to burn.  But how many of us are watching what’s going on in the world today and realizing that very few of us have a healthy fuel source?   We read of tragedy after tragedy of celebrities and every day folk self destructing because they burned themselves out.  Very few of us are pulling from a place of security when we set out to do whatever it is we want to do.

I have millions of conversations with women every week.  Seriously.  Millions.  Ok, maybe more like thousands, but that’s as low as I’m going.   I am a consummate introvert—which is hard to believe—but I am not in the least bit shy.  If you give me access to you, I will absolutely ‘go there’ and help you to find the identity of your mojo whether I am working with you or not.  Why do I tell you this?  Because what I am about to explain to you did not come from a book.  I didn’t read a good book on psychology and then come bring it to the blog.  I know what I know because I’ve been up in enough women’s butts for the past 8 years that I can now write about it.  And I only became interested in it and then convinced of it because of my own personal flame (which was a 5 alarm fire that needed 3 city fire departments to put it out—oy!) that blew out and it took all that I had to do to get it back.

There are two ways that we lose our mojo:  we kill the dream (that was yesterday) or we never really had it in the first place and we somehow discovered that in our quest for validation.  I am sure you are thinking, “You made me read all this so far to tell me that?”  Yes.  Sorry it’s not complicated.  It’s very simple.  Your drive has been fueled by something other than ‘your great discipline’.  How do I know that?  You can’t get it back.  When it comes down to it, you no longer believe in any of the reasons you had before to continue doing what you were doing.  Now, you may consciously believe, but deep down inside your inner self took a vacation to your goals.  This is why you can start a plan 35 different ways but finish it the same way:  as a fail.  You cannot muster up enough of anything to get your heart to match what your mind wants and it’s frustrating.   Self sabotage, extreme measures, rigidity, throwing in the towel, depression, jumping from plan to plan, starting a new plan every other week, vegan today—atkins tomorrow and endless excuses are symptoms of this phenomenon.   If you have ever heard yourself say, “It’s because of… that’s why I can’t… If I could just… then…”  Um…no.  You need a new mojo.  You can just [fill in the blank] all you want.  It still isn’t going to get you back to where you want to go.

Sit on this.  Think about it.  I have more…really.  And trust me when I say this, it is always something.  It’s never just because you suck or you just can’t get your act together.  And you do not need therapy.  You just need to know what it is.  Cool?  More tomorrow…woop woop!!

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My husband and I make 24 years this coming Saturday.  We have been married for almost 16 years, but we’ve been together for 24 years this Saturday.   Just to add a little to the story, we were married twice: first, by the justice of the peace in his aunt’s backyard June 23^rd, 1996 and then in a formal ceremony by our pastor at the time on March 9^th, 1997.  [Don’t ask, I’ll explain in another post at another time. Ha!]   Our second wedding was like a hometown reunion.  If you lived in our city, you were at the wedding.  It was ridiculous.  Right when the reception was in full motion and people were having a great time, the music stopped, the lights came on and everyone’s face said the same thing, “What the…??”  It was over.  Don’t know how we did it, but we totally messed up on the time of the DJ vs. the hall that we rented.  It was terrible.  We were all left wanting more.  And so it goes when you’re goal doesn’t fulfill the want you have in your gut.

There were only a handful of people here and it was awesome.  Cried through the whole thing, got the dress off the rack and delivered my Sunday newspapers that morning with him.  Those were the days.lol

There are three ways we are let down by a goal:  it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t “do it” or it isn’t what we thought it would be for us.  Out of the three, one is defeating, one is dangerous and one is depressing but all of them cause us to be aimlessly lost if not addressed properly.

When we commit to a goal, we do so not just with our minds, but we do so also with our hearts.  When I say that I am sure some of you think about integrity or finishing what we start because we believe in it and yadda, yadda, yadda.  Umm, no.  I mean the minute we commit to a goal we begin to dream about the outcome and our dreams come from the heart.  Not all of us dream in grandiose fashion so please don’t think that the dream has to be this out of control scenario of you winning American Idol or something.  The dream could be as simple as you thinking that the experience is going to be fun, or rewarding or there will be some sort of redeeming quality to it when it is all said and done.  Therefore, when the goal does not come to pass, the dream dies right there on the spot and it takes a piece of your heart with you.  This is defeating.  Or, if the dream does come to pass but it was not enough to fill that want in your heart, you want more and more and more.  This is dangerous.  Finally, if the dream does come to pass but it was not even close to what you thought it was going to be like and you leave there thinking, “What was that?” or “Why did I even want to do that?” then that is depressing.

I think the music cut out 10 min after this.  It was bad.lol  And if you hear that noise, it’s my hair piece whinnying.  I think the horse it came from wants it back. hahahaha!

How we handle each scenario depends on how deep that goal is buried in your heart and what’s the fuel source behind it.  If it is buried deep within, then it’s going to throw you off tremendously.  Getting back on track could take weeks, even months.  If it is not buried deep but the fuel source is a flame thrower (we’ll talk about this tomorrow), it will have the same effect:  devastating.  You may be asking yourself right now, “Did I have a dream?”  And you may be thinking, “I don’t remember dreaming about the outcome at all.  Not my thing.”  This line of thinking would be valid if you’re not an active day dreamer, but this does not mean that you didn’t have a dream.  Instead of trying to remember the dream, ask yourself the following questions and journal your answers:

BEFORE

• Did you have a sort of giddiness about the event that seemed almost childlike?  You may have been super motivated and organized to the nth degree.
• Did you talk about it all the time and couldn’t wait to put time to it?  Going to the gym was easy and cooking was a breeze?
• Did you tell people you were doing it for a cause?  Things like:  to prove I could do it or to “go to the next level”.
• Did you journal it or share it with others daily whether on a blog or a social network of some kind?
• Did you feel pressure to complete it?

AFTER

• Did you have a sense of emptiness after the event even if you won it or did your best ever?
• Did you even get to do the event?  If not, how did you feel?
• Did it not turn out how you wanted it to, if not, why?
• Do you feel shame, embarrassment, anger, resentment or bitterness towards the event in any capacity?

Let me tell you how this goes.  The first time you ever ask yourself these questions, you will stay strictly surface.  They will be one word answers and you most likely won’t see the need.  Or you can answer them and see the issue and because of that, now have the solution.  If either one of these things happen, get up, walk away from the table for a while and go do something mindless like watch reality TV or something.  Whatever you do, keep the mind free from real thought.  Do not be surprised if the answers start going deeper as time goes by.  When they do start coming, answer them to your best, most honest ability.  It may take you a few permutations but you will eventually get to the core.  We will put this together as to what this means soon enough.

If you do not remember a specific event that happened or you’re not exactly sure why you lost your mojo and it’s not here, hang on.  Tomorrow I talk to you about fuel sources and you’re really going to hate me then.  But I love you. J See you tomorrow.   Woop woop!!

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Emotion is a force that drives harder than a stampede of buffalo and is as secure as a tall glass of water sitting on the edge of a table…

I have wanted to do this series since the beginning of last year and have danced around the topic in a few posts since then but have never really “gone there” because this is so close to me.  Whenever I’m this close to a topic, it never really comes out the way I want because I struggle with getting the point out and making sense at the same time.  It’s like I have a conversation in my head and you’re supposed hop in at any time and figure that out. Ha!  Good luck with that.  With this series, though, I know what the hard part is going to be so why not tell you what that is beforehand so you may be prepared in case I begin to become confusing or go over your head in some way?  If you are going to successfully navigate through this series, there are 3 things you will need to recognize as you follow along all week:

There is an internal GPS device that drives us goal oriented folk, whether we acknowledge it or not.  Some of us are super aware of it and it almost seems obvious and silly to mention, sort of like, “Duh. I’m goal oriented.”  However, some of us never realize how much it is driving us until it suddenly stops working one day and then we’re left thinking, “What the heck was that?”  Everything about us operates around that GPS device.  How we treat others, how we treat ourselves, how we handle our jobs/career and even how we handle our relationships is all preprogrammed into that device that is hidden away in us somewhere way out of our view.

To be fair, the less psycho, goal oriented folk have it, too.  It’s not like they are doomed to a life of aimlessness because they are not taskmasters like us.  It’s more like they have compasses, though, or paper charts and trip-tiks than they have GPS devices.  Ours seem to be much more precise, much more focused which cause us to move with a force and speed in life that is undeniable.  This doesn’t mean that we are super successful or anything because that is not a prerequisite.  It means that if we’re hanging laundry somewhere, we’re hanging laundry somewhere.  It will be done efficiently, with fervor, purpose and zeal.  We may measure out the space or research the best place to hang our laundry.  We may hang more laundry at one time than the average woman would ever hang.  Or we work on several techniques to hang the laundry, visiting other laundromats to make sure we were doing a good job.    Then we move on to hanging laundry while folding at the same time, too.  Then we master folding.  Then we master hanging and folding in several different formats making sure that we stay current in both the hanging world and the folding world.  THEN we want people to know that we are the masters of the hanging world, the folding world *and* the hanging and folding world together.   Most importantly, we want to be recognized for it.  Make no mistake about that.  It’s not enough to do this or learn about it; someone somewhere needs to recognize it.

I use laundry as an example on purpose because the mode in which you burned yourself out has nothing to do with the fact that you burned yourself out.  You may be tempted to blow off this whole series as not pertaining to you if I used an athlete as an example and you don’t feel athletic at all.  Or if I used dieting as an example, you may think that that wasn’t what kept you from running that race so this is about someone other than you because you are the athlete.  I want to make sure I emphasize that it doesn’t matter what you were driven about or whether or not you accomplished your goal, what matters is that your drive is gone.  The GPS signal went dead and now you have no idea where you are going because you have no compass of your own, no paper map to fall back on and no drive to make it happen.

Recognition #1: It’s not about {XYZ}, it’s about my GPS device.  And the question is, “Why did it burn out?”

Once we have lost our way, the chaos and mayhem that follows can be overwhelming:  up and down eating, in and out of the gym, no type of normalcy in our eating or exercising, endless guilt, confusion, questioning our worth, countless attempts to get going again only to have them end in failure.  Each time we try to go back to where we left off but fail to make it happen, we sink deeper into a pit that may show up as anger, depression, resentment or passivity.  It’s either we’re mad at the world, beaten down by the world, sticking our middle finger up at the world or we walk away from the world.  No matter what, we cannot get back who we once were no matter how hard we try.

Recognition #2: No matter what I do, the woman who once was, is now gone and I have to own that.  However, that’s not a bad thing.

It is at this point that all of our stories begin to go in different directions.  Whether we choose to be introspective or stay more on the surface and become more task driven, the journey we take is ours and ours alone.  For me, I went so deep inside that I almost got stuck in my colon for a minute there and wasn’t sure I could get out again.  It has been awesome and hard all at the same time and I want the same thing for you.  But there is work to be done and it is more than just picking another event.  There is a bit of soul searching to do and some realizations that need to be made about ourselves if we are ever to get that drive back again to the degree that was there before AND in a healthier way.  Not everything I say is going to ring true for you, but some aspect of it will.  Take what is yours, leave all else on the screen.

Recognition #3: Ok, I get it.  This series is not “my answer” but the beginning to “my process”.  Getting my drive back is directly related to the amount of digging I am willing to do.

As always, ladies, I cannot wait to hear from you.  Email me, comment below or send a carrier pigeon to my house.  Who cares.  But let me know what you’re thinking…  Cool?  Woop woop!

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